today i didn't get much work done because i was frustrated with a couple of things...my hair was one of those things. i made the executive decision to stop wasting time working (i really wasn't accomplishing anything) and tackle my frustrations. so i did. and praise the Lord! victory!! well, not completely. but i'm definitely on the path to recovery.
i know, recovery is such a big word...you'd think i'd been on drugs or something. but perhaps some effective parallels can be drawn here. any addiction has major consequences and what i'm realizing more and more is how much i've allowed my hair to be an addiction. i'm addicted to making sure it's not status quo. i'm addicted to making sure my hair is a symbol of rebellion against mainstream beauty standards. i'm addicted to.....and i'm sure i could add some more.
what i thought was a simple desire to care for my hair is soooooooooo much more, all of which i don't have time to get into at the moment. i'll end by saying this: i can't continue to allow my hair to define me the way it has....as some sort of poster child/adult for natural strength, beauty, and a "real" sense of self. the last time i was this frustrated with my hair, i cut it off. that was 1998 and i was part of a radical natural hair movement among black girls at my school (even though i'd never had a relaxer. somehow my short fro gave women with relaxed hair encouragement to "go for the gold"....yeah, i thought naturalhood was gold. now i understand it to be simply another hair style. anyway...)
i'm loving this day, these strides. now i must sleep, get physical strength for tomorrow, rest my emotions from the rollercoaster.
thank you Jesus!
Wednesday, March 15
Monday, March 6
hair
it's helping me see my need for Jesus. yes, to some of you that's really really strange. but it's real.
baby steps.
Thursday, March 2
body.shape.size
a highly profound thought just crossed my mind, one i'm sure you're dying to read! so here you go....
it's nice to live in a region of north america in which shapely white women reside. and i'm not talking about 50 yr old white women who've "let themselves go"....no, i'm talking about 25, 28, 33 yr olds who exercise, eat well, sleep well, and wake up shapely and confident.
it's nice because it has relaxed me subconsciously. i've never been obsessed about whether or not my body is the shape and size of models or celebs. but i've had my share of body concern, not wanting to be skinny but being afraid to be too much more than lean. i've known for years that my ideas of beauty are more often than not socially constructed. i've known that the typical white, blonde, blue-eyed, model size female has been the standard i'll never be able to rise to and shouldn't have to. i'm quite alright being black-skinned, black-haired, brown-eyed, etc....my hair has long been the one thing that's set me apart from women both white and black.
but with all this knowledge, it's not till now that i'm most comfortable being me, not until my environment's changed to not reflect city strutters. and because i'm not in school, i'm not bombarded by wannabe, mimicky, insecure, false-representations-of self-via-fashion chicks...well, not usually.
all that is to say this: it's a shame that i'm still being defined by what i'm not. it has taken the presence of white shapely girls to make me feel comfortable in my black shapely skin....maybe one day i'll just be me, comfortably me....
it's nice to live in a region of north america in which shapely white women reside. and i'm not talking about 50 yr old white women who've "let themselves go"....no, i'm talking about 25, 28, 33 yr olds who exercise, eat well, sleep well, and wake up shapely and confident.
it's nice because it has relaxed me subconsciously. i've never been obsessed about whether or not my body is the shape and size of models or celebs. but i've had my share of body concern, not wanting to be skinny but being afraid to be too much more than lean. i've known for years that my ideas of beauty are more often than not socially constructed. i've known that the typical white, blonde, blue-eyed, model size female has been the standard i'll never be able to rise to and shouldn't have to. i'm quite alright being black-skinned, black-haired, brown-eyed, etc....my hair has long been the one thing that's set me apart from women both white and black.
but with all this knowledge, it's not till now that i'm most comfortable being me, not until my environment's changed to not reflect city strutters. and because i'm not in school, i'm not bombarded by wannabe, mimicky, insecure, false-representations-of self-via-fashion chicks...well, not usually.
all that is to say this: it's a shame that i'm still being defined by what i'm not. it has taken the presence of white shapely girls to make me feel comfortable in my black shapely skin....maybe one day i'll just be me, comfortably me....
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