prayers answered

they announced this morning that the rules have changed for all. we can audition for both solo and group. so that's happening this evening. i'm going to eat lunch quickly then practice a bit before afternoon classes begin.

my stomach doesn't feel good (too much info?) maybe it's a combo of nervousness, fatigue and too much sugar. when i first got here, i was eating well balanced meals. the last couple of days have been filled with a bit too much sweet stuff. for breakfast i had 3 biscuits with jelly and a cup of tea. yesterday i had 3 biscuits with jelly, a cup of tea, and a bowl of frosted flakes.

but don't worry mum, i'm doing fine.

:)

thank You

God!

tonight was better. i began by taking a 10 minute breather in a building i'd never entered here before. i sat in the foyer that was lovingly quiet except for the young man locking things up. it's okay; you can stay. so i did. i just sat there as my stomach tried to untie its knots. all my anxiety and frustration had landed there. they discussed the pros and cons of their new home. as i walked through my thoughts, they slowly took up residence outside of me.

i took stephen's advice. every time you open you sing you must mean it. sing like your life depends on it.

i suppose i'll just keep on popping ibuprofen (sp?) for my swollen vocal chords, hoping it has no crazy side effects.

i don't know if i want to audition for friday night's program as a solo act. the quartet is sounding good. we're going with plan "a". food for thought: don't get too many opinions. one seasoned voice is enough. three seasoned voices are like crows squawking to protect their children: you understand their noise but you could do without it. (okay, maybe that wasn't the best of analogies...)

my reason for hesitating to audition boils down to politics. i see it. i understand who favours who. i'm not mad about the favouritism. i'm mad about the rules that are bent or reworked as a result. i don't know if they'll bend the rules for me. i don't know that i'm that special. i do know that ben speer knows my name :) but anyway...even if i can sing, i'm just here to minister through music, not to show off my great chops, not to drive the crowd crazy, not to get a million dollar deal.

yes, this is my fear speaking. let me break it down for you. in the past, singers can only perform once for the friday night program. so if you're in a group, you can't do a solo. however, i was told our quartet was an exception. i don't want to get caught up in the mess. i don't want to be looked upon as one of those who gets to break the rules. i don't want the politics to interfere with the ministry. i'm afraid of being ineffective. but i also know that many are expecting me to sing...do i do it just because i believe my song will be a blessing?

i'm praying about it. i told God to let me know what to do in the morning. i know that regardless of rules and public opinion, His word can and will get out. i'm just making sure i'm the right vessel for friday night.

please pray for me.

goodnight.

what's the plan?

i came here to learn. i came to be a student, to sit at the feet of knowledge for two weeks. the weekend was my break. now i just want to keep on treading through all the theory and all the groups singing, etc.

but some folks are here to make a name. and yes, i must admit, it's nice to be recognized, to be told a lot of positive things. and i enjoy every opportunity i have to share the mercy of God. so yes, i enjoy performance times.

however, i didn't come here to be a superstar and give up time i should be eating to practice. i guess i'm not that hard chore at this moment, not for now. i have a particular agenda and now find myself wrapped in another agenda. i'm singing in a quartet for the final program. somehow we're already on the program without auditioning. politics. it's who you know and who likes their knowledge of you. so where in. and we've been spending a whole lot of time practicing. which is why i'm a bit of a grouch. i'd rather make sure i've eaten and had enough sleep than practice.

here's the lesson in this. make sure, when working with a group, that the rest of your members have the same vision you do. make sure they have the same drive you do. make sure they have the same idea of sacrifice. i didn't form the group. i'm not on the same wavelength as the others. i don't have the desire to skip lunch in order to get something sounding good. it's not that deep to me. maybe it should be. i know my part and those that don't know theirs know what to work on. i got mad 'cause i missed part of theory class as a result of all the practice. i didn't come here to get recognition. when i get it i consider it a blessing, the sprinkles on top. i came here to be a student.

and wouldn't you know it, i'm learning more than i want to. i'm learning more of what it takes to be a team player. i don't want to play. i have an agenda. i want theory, ear training, sight seeing.

i'll write more later.