Thursday, May 16

collide

and i will try       to fix you
(quickly insert rich transition music) 
tears stream...

yeah, it's quite the emotive song. i'd listen to it now were it not for the fact that i'd have to first search for it and secondly, essentially permit myself to bawl my eyes out. i want neither. and so i remain on my blue-green seat cover, the one i bought from Pier One many moons ago because i thought it to be a simple floor cushion. i was later corrected. it was too late. i was too deeply "in like" to say goodbye and much too frugal to purchase the wicker/rattan bench that gets paired with it.

so yes, i'm sitting, laptop appropriately placed on my lap. it was initially cold but has since warmed up on my legs. i should go to bed. i cannot. i've got too much swarming my head. they have all collided.

they are the things i usually keep apart, be it by denying their concurrent existence or by creating separate blogs for each. my personal life. my professional life. my personally private-ish life....and the list would go on if i let it. i've often remembered the thought i processed a few years back. you should really combine everything. just make a website and call it good. It's clearly time; they have all collided.

and i need time to unpack each one, individually, and then see how it's impacting the others and how that collective confusion is driving me nuts. i'm supposed to be a pastor/chaplain person. Perhaps I'll start my unpacking there.




Psalm 23

Do we believe?


Friday, May 10

A Letter

At a periodic gathering that I'm part of, one of our latest activities was to write a letter to ourselves, stating what we'd like God to do in our lives. The facilitator for that activity, took our self-addressed envelopes, stamped them, and mailed them to us several days later. Mine came in the mail a couple of days ago.

May 1, 2013

Dear Self, 
I want God to renew in me a right spirit, to give me a clean heart that's receptive to all He has for me. When I think of that "all" I think about the students who have been entrusted to my care and the love that I need to develop for them, a deeper unconditional love that provides them with space and encouragement to grow both individually and collectively. Another aspect of this "all" is an ability to slow down and prayerfully move according to God's timing. And lastly (though I'm aware that this isn't an exhaustive list) is that I can develop a stronger foundation of support from those around me so that the expectations I have are clear and realistic. 
God, help me! 
-MLJ-

I meant every word. I still do. But these waters take a long time to navigate. I'm in, though. I'm in.