on a cloudy day.
loads of it.
amen.
thank You God!
Wednesday, October 31
Tuesday, October 30
consistency
the quick flip of emotions, like factory line pancakes, take me from a calm "ah, the breeze is so lovely" to an irritated "why are you talking right now?"
a classmate said she loves my personality--i'm so nice. i told her she must not know me well. of course, i don't totally mean that. but she obviously doesn't see me all the time. and her personality brings out the good in me so she's bound to see much good. hmmm...
my schizophrenic moments--i don't understand them. on the list of things i enjoy, consistency is high. selfishness must be higher. but where's the line drawn between selfishness and consistency? coz sometimes if my need for consistency is denied me, my emotions become pancakes and my life becomes a factory.
flip.
flip.
flip.
a classmate took my seat once. i was immediately unnerved. i told him he had to move. he thought i was joking. i wasn't mean about it but i explained my need for consistency. he finally moved.
i could dismiss this all as a sign of "older" age. but i've been this way for as long as i know. i need habits. i have expectations and i need them met. i know i can be selfish sometimes...i work on not being selfish sometimes...sometimes i just want things my way. but sometimes i really need things my way.
how on earth do i have friends? consistency.
oh botheration!
a classmate said she loves my personality--i'm so nice. i told her she must not know me well. of course, i don't totally mean that. but she obviously doesn't see me all the time. and her personality brings out the good in me so she's bound to see much good. hmmm...
my schizophrenic moments--i don't understand them. on the list of things i enjoy, consistency is high. selfishness must be higher. but where's the line drawn between selfishness and consistency? coz sometimes if my need for consistency is denied me, my emotions become pancakes and my life becomes a factory.
flip.
flip.
flip.
a classmate took my seat once. i was immediately unnerved. i told him he had to move. he thought i was joking. i wasn't mean about it but i explained my need for consistency. he finally moved.
i could dismiss this all as a sign of "older" age. but i've been this way for as long as i know. i need habits. i have expectations and i need them met. i know i can be selfish sometimes...i work on not being selfish sometimes...sometimes i just want things my way. but sometimes i really need things my way.
how on earth do i have friends? consistency.
oh botheration!
Sunday, October 21
late night
it was 10:30pm and i was ready to call it quits, throw in the towel, cliche, cliche, cliche...
then, as i braided my hair and read over "indirect aggression," i got inspired. and now it's 11:24 and i have a better sense of how i'm going to teach tomorrow, a sense i'm grateful for.
what would i do right now if i weren't teaching? sleep more perhaps...or procrastinate more.
this second year of MDiv is like the second year of my english MA--i'm more settled in my surroundings, enjoying more in life yet restless, knowing this isn't all there is, afraid of what more there is, dreaming of more, knowing i shouldn't quit, wanting to quit...
when i'd rather cook a full meal and grade papers than do homework, you know something's up!
then, as i braided my hair and read over "indirect aggression," i got inspired. and now it's 11:24 and i have a better sense of how i'm going to teach tomorrow, a sense i'm grateful for.
what would i do right now if i weren't teaching? sleep more perhaps...or procrastinate more.
this second year of MDiv is like the second year of my english MA--i'm more settled in my surroundings, enjoying more in life yet restless, knowing this isn't all there is, afraid of what more there is, dreaming of more, knowing i shouldn't quit, wanting to quit...
when i'd rather cook a full meal and grade papers than do homework, you know something's up!
Tuesday, October 16
metabolic frolic
it's the name of a tea.
...that's all i wanted to say...well, not really. it's all i have time for. now to run my panera bread company food off.
=wordhabit=
...that's all i wanted to say...well, not really. it's all i have time for. now to run my panera bread company food off.
=wordhabit=
Tuesday, October 9
saying goodbye
i've said goodbye a lot in life--to people, to places, to things...even inanimate things like fear. but that kind of farewell so often needs repeating.
(i know i've already had this "conversation"...this repetition simply shows how much this is on my mind as of late)
there are 3 things i love: music, teaching, writing...not always in that order. i'm doing the firt two on a somewhat regular basis right now. school is taking the place of creative prose...that's my excuse anyway.
well, in an effort to stick with what i love, i've recently said goodbye to one commitment which has freed me up a bit...but i still don't write. i simply waste more time...sometimes.
yet more than ever i understand what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. "supposed to." it sounds incredibly set in stone...i know. let me put it this way. more than ever i realize that God wants us to use what He's talented us with for His glory. and i'm not doing that near as much as i could. and as much as i enjoy learning, school just isn't cutting it for me.
many of the people i go to school with talk about having run from God's call to ministry. they believe that they are finally answering that call by being here. today i got this overwhelming sense that i'm still running from my call coz my call has nothing to do with hebrew and church history and everything to do with notes...sung...over...and over...new songs written...old songs revamped...music...over...and over.
so i come home and instead of finishing pages of assigned reading, i cook. it's called "avoidance." most of the time i find a reason to clean or reorganize something. today it was supper creation. i came home without a clue. i just knew i had to enjoy what i put into my mouth. bread alone wouldn't cut it. so i made biscuits with a twist--green onions and basil. and i fried up some vegetable dumplings. i made a garbanzo bean salad. and a mushroom sauce sort of thing. and after washing all the dishes i'd used, i sat and ate just enough...no stuffed belly for me. (and i realize that i'm switching between present and past tense somewhat haphazardly and i'm too lazy to fix it. hopefully none of my students see this.)
so back to saying goodbye to fear. if i want something so badly that i'm afraid i'll mess up, i stay away. that needs to go. i need to live. i need to live with music. and i'm so tired right now coz i've been awake since 3:54. i should go to bed. i will go to bed.
goodbye
(i know i've already had this "conversation"...this repetition simply shows how much this is on my mind as of late)
there are 3 things i love: music, teaching, writing...not always in that order. i'm doing the firt two on a somewhat regular basis right now. school is taking the place of creative prose...that's my excuse anyway.
well, in an effort to stick with what i love, i've recently said goodbye to one commitment which has freed me up a bit...but i still don't write. i simply waste more time...sometimes.
yet more than ever i understand what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. "supposed to." it sounds incredibly set in stone...i know. let me put it this way. more than ever i realize that God wants us to use what He's talented us with for His glory. and i'm not doing that near as much as i could. and as much as i enjoy learning, school just isn't cutting it for me.
many of the people i go to school with talk about having run from God's call to ministry. they believe that they are finally answering that call by being here. today i got this overwhelming sense that i'm still running from my call coz my call has nothing to do with hebrew and church history and everything to do with notes...sung...over...and over...new songs written...old songs revamped...music...over...and over.
so i come home and instead of finishing pages of assigned reading, i cook. it's called "avoidance." most of the time i find a reason to clean or reorganize something. today it was supper creation. i came home without a clue. i just knew i had to enjoy what i put into my mouth. bread alone wouldn't cut it. so i made biscuits with a twist--green onions and basil. and i fried up some vegetable dumplings. i made a garbanzo bean salad. and a mushroom sauce sort of thing. and after washing all the dishes i'd used, i sat and ate just enough...no stuffed belly for me. (and i realize that i'm switching between present and past tense somewhat haphazardly and i'm too lazy to fix it. hopefully none of my students see this.)
so back to saying goodbye to fear. if i want something so badly that i'm afraid i'll mess up, i stay away. that needs to go. i need to live. i need to live with music. and i'm so tired right now coz i've been awake since 3:54. i should go to bed. i will go to bed.
goodbye
Monday, October 8
i promise
i promise not to be perfect
i promise not to always make you smile
i promise to have you all confused
but hopefully not all of the time
coz i promise to try to be helpful
and i promise to try to be kind
and i promise that even when you're a bit salty
i'll stick around, i'll stay by
i promise
i promise not to always make you smile
i promise to have you all confused
but hopefully not all of the time
coz i promise to try to be helpful
and i promise to try to be kind
and i promise that even when you're a bit salty
i'll stick around, i'll stay by
i promise
Tuesday, October 2
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