so i just decided, as i watch restaurant makover on HGTV, that when it comes to my post seminary life i've got to think far outside the box coz that's what God's doing...that's what he's been doing all along, creating one of those huge puzzles that you never take apart. you glue, frame, and mount above the big couch.
all i can see right now are puzzle pieces sprawled out on a living room floor. singing. teaching. writing. helping. training. encouraging. supporting. scarf knitting. leaf raking. varnish stripping. couch sitting with friends. creating food. creating cards. playing with paper. playing with design. playing with wood. poetry readings. cafe musings. people watching. flute playing. eating. painting. collaborating. dreaming.
i enjoy it all...and more. i don't do it all well. i want time to do so much better. i want money to afford me the time. i want God to be happy with it all.
a lot of people have been asking me what i'm doing with my seminary degree. (this is why you don't go home for the holidays. ha!) i think from now on i'll just say, something really good and big, and then change the subject--ask them what they think about global warming and healthcare.
all of us who exist in what my Justin refers to as this 20-something fuzz have got to believe that when the fuzz clears we'll be doing something really good and big. and we'll enjoy it. and we'll get frustrated by it. but we'll know its what God wants if we listen.
so i'm listening now for what's beyond. coz it's really good. and big. and it's more than i could ever dream up. and i want it.
Monday, December 31
weddings.beginnings.endings.
they're minutia in the grand scheme of marriage. i attended such minutia today and both my mother and another mother were telling me to elope. however, they quickly added that they didn't really mean it coz they want to experience all the madness.
weddings symbolize the beginning of an end. and end to singlehood, an end to self-centeredness, and end to whatever privacy you thought you had...and other such loveliness. but all these endings begin long before the ceremony, ideally.
and now, as we begin to end 2007, i think of all that ended this year, all that maybe should have ended, all i'm thankful didn't end. and i'm just hoping for another year in which i can find so much to be thankful for.
so much happened this year that i never could have dreamt up, and i'm quite the dreamer...Joseph and i are cousins 3000 times removed. because of all that's happened, i'm a tad bit wiser, a whole lot happier, a bit more cautious, somewhat anxious, periodically really, really confident, and quite content. and i'm not sure how it all works except that i definitely see the need for more faith in order to keep on going.
God has a plan for my life. it's not just preacher talk--it's real stuff, good stuff. and i want to know and live that plan. i've done a fair bit of doubting this year. that's gotta go. coz in the words of the Carpenters that i've taken out of context, we've only just begun to live.
so here i go...
weddings symbolize the beginning of an end. and end to singlehood, an end to self-centeredness, and end to whatever privacy you thought you had...and other such loveliness. but all these endings begin long before the ceremony, ideally.
and now, as we begin to end 2007, i think of all that ended this year, all that maybe should have ended, all i'm thankful didn't end. and i'm just hoping for another year in which i can find so much to be thankful for.
so much happened this year that i never could have dreamt up, and i'm quite the dreamer...Joseph and i are cousins 3000 times removed. because of all that's happened, i'm a tad bit wiser, a whole lot happier, a bit more cautious, somewhat anxious, periodically really, really confident, and quite content. and i'm not sure how it all works except that i definitely see the need for more faith in order to keep on going.
God has a plan for my life. it's not just preacher talk--it's real stuff, good stuff. and i want to know and live that plan. i've done a fair bit of doubting this year. that's gotta go. coz in the words of the Carpenters that i've taken out of context, we've only just begun to live.
so here i go...
Friday, December 28
blessed
it has been a tremendously busy 4 months of school, work, activity...life. i'm entering the new year with lessons learned and battles still to fight and i'm not afraid.
that sounds horribly rehearsed. sorry. i'll do more reading, expand my expression bank. and while i'm at it, i'll also try to figure out the relationship between bible reading and continuous conversion. i know. that seems a bit random. but it's a real query. last week i was without a bible for four days and i actually missed it. i had to simply reflect on what was already in my head but i wasn't satisfied with that. i wanted to actually read the book. the experience made me appreciate all the bibles i own a lot more, helped me recognize my privileged state.
it all began probably 4 or 5 years ago when in my desire to be a salvation conduit i bought a slim black bible that i just knew i'd have the opportunity to give away one day. i always took it to church or had it in my bag just in case some unconverted traveller expressed a need for the Word. i was happy for the change to say, "i've got a bible just for you!" but my intentions were marred with pride, self-righteousness, etc.
no one has ever asked me for a bible until last wednesday, december 19, '07. and even then the request was indirect. it was a dreary day in Belize city. our mission team was tired and frustrated, unable to work outside because of the constant rain. i walked somewhat aimlessly from one tourist store to another, each money trap causing me to wonder how to make the best of this situation. as i passed by one store, two girls stepped out. "Michaela, do you have a bible to give away?" i remembered taking it out of my bag that morning believing that i wouldn't need it. after all, i was part of the "city beautification" team. the chances of me needing to find a verse while we picked up trash was slim. but i'd also been talking to God as i packed my bag. my gut reaction to the girls' request was "no" but that lovely Still Small Voice told me to open my backpack. so i did and there it was, the salvation conduit bible that i thought i'd left behind.
i could have made it a really proud moment for myself and handed it to the lady directly but the same voice that told me to open my bag, assured me that i should stay out of the picture. yes, i bought the bible and yes, it was in my bag. but that's where my "glory" had to end. i gave it to the girls to give to the shop keeper.
so what does this have to do with the relationship between bible reading and continuous conversion? i don't know. i just started typing and all of this came out. so let's see...
devotional time this morning reminded me that conversion is a daily thing. we can't experience one conversion and expect it to last eternally. that's like eating one egg on sunday and believing you have enough protein for the week--we all know that's ridiculous. but it's easy to forget our constant need for conversion. it's coupled with our constant sin issue. with every sin we need forgiveness. with every sin we need conversion. Lord change me.
if i don't read the bible, i tend to forget my need. last night i read psalm 1: 1-2. i was feeling a bit nerdy so i read it in the hebrew-english interlinear my dad has. but i'm not really a nerd so i read mostly the english translation. yet somehow the visual structure helped me pause, really reflect on what i was reading. that's why i only got to verse 2, the part that talks about meditating on God's law day and night. and in that moment i remembered a discussion in pentatuech class this last semester about God's law and the freedom found in it, just like the freedom found in God's judgement. but freedom is only found if we're on the right side. if we're fighting God, there's no freedom. i want freedom but i can't experience it unless my surrender is continuous, unless my conversion is a daily sacrifice.
i just picked up a book called "On Happiness" by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. the english translation tells me that happiness is "subordination of our own life to a life which is greater than ours." unless i'm reflecting on examples of this subordination and God's reaction to it, i'm probably not going to do much growing. i want to be free and happy even if i'll only get them in their truest forms when we get to heaven. they're worth the sacrifice, worth the wait. not many things are worth waiting for.
i think i've written enough for one day. till later...
that sounds horribly rehearsed. sorry. i'll do more reading, expand my expression bank. and while i'm at it, i'll also try to figure out the relationship between bible reading and continuous conversion. i know. that seems a bit random. but it's a real query. last week i was without a bible for four days and i actually missed it. i had to simply reflect on what was already in my head but i wasn't satisfied with that. i wanted to actually read the book. the experience made me appreciate all the bibles i own a lot more, helped me recognize my privileged state.
it all began probably 4 or 5 years ago when in my desire to be a salvation conduit i bought a slim black bible that i just knew i'd have the opportunity to give away one day. i always took it to church or had it in my bag just in case some unconverted traveller expressed a need for the Word. i was happy for the change to say, "i've got a bible just for you!" but my intentions were marred with pride, self-righteousness, etc.
no one has ever asked me for a bible until last wednesday, december 19, '07. and even then the request was indirect. it was a dreary day in Belize city. our mission team was tired and frustrated, unable to work outside because of the constant rain. i walked somewhat aimlessly from one tourist store to another, each money trap causing me to wonder how to make the best of this situation. as i passed by one store, two girls stepped out. "Michaela, do you have a bible to give away?" i remembered taking it out of my bag that morning believing that i wouldn't need it. after all, i was part of the "city beautification" team. the chances of me needing to find a verse while we picked up trash was slim. but i'd also been talking to God as i packed my bag. my gut reaction to the girls' request was "no" but that lovely Still Small Voice told me to open my backpack. so i did and there it was, the salvation conduit bible that i thought i'd left behind.
i could have made it a really proud moment for myself and handed it to the lady directly but the same voice that told me to open my bag, assured me that i should stay out of the picture. yes, i bought the bible and yes, it was in my bag. but that's where my "glory" had to end. i gave it to the girls to give to the shop keeper.
so what does this have to do with the relationship between bible reading and continuous conversion? i don't know. i just started typing and all of this came out. so let's see...
devotional time this morning reminded me that conversion is a daily thing. we can't experience one conversion and expect it to last eternally. that's like eating one egg on sunday and believing you have enough protein for the week--we all know that's ridiculous. but it's easy to forget our constant need for conversion. it's coupled with our constant sin issue. with every sin we need forgiveness. with every sin we need conversion. Lord change me.
if i don't read the bible, i tend to forget my need. last night i read psalm 1: 1-2. i was feeling a bit nerdy so i read it in the hebrew-english interlinear my dad has. but i'm not really a nerd so i read mostly the english translation. yet somehow the visual structure helped me pause, really reflect on what i was reading. that's why i only got to verse 2, the part that talks about meditating on God's law day and night. and in that moment i remembered a discussion in pentatuech class this last semester about God's law and the freedom found in it, just like the freedom found in God's judgement. but freedom is only found if we're on the right side. if we're fighting God, there's no freedom. i want freedom but i can't experience it unless my surrender is continuous, unless my conversion is a daily sacrifice.
i just picked up a book called "On Happiness" by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. the english translation tells me that happiness is "subordination of our own life to a life which is greater than ours." unless i'm reflecting on examples of this subordination and God's reaction to it, i'm probably not going to do much growing. i want to be free and happy even if i'll only get them in their truest forms when we get to heaven. they're worth the sacrifice, worth the wait. not many things are worth waiting for.
i think i've written enough for one day. till later...
Tuesday, December 25
sleep.cwm.thankful
i just want to stay up, do stuff, clean, sort. all of last week was non-stop and now i don't know what to do with my time. it's december 25 now. i should be fast asleep.
the trip was great. i miss the sun. that's really all i have the energy to say right now. there are so many details i could enter!
now i'm sitting on my couch pondering life, thankful for time, thankful for so much that i can't even express.
the trip was great. i miss the sun. that's really all i have the energy to say right now. there are so many details i could enter!
now i'm sitting on my couch pondering life, thankful for time, thankful for so much that i can't even express.
Monday, December 24
gifts
so i'm not the best at buying gifts but this year i thought i did well...until i found out that just a few days ago, while i was away, he bought what i was waiting to put a bow on.
next time we'll have to make lists.
...what's that lyric again? you live, you learn! thanks alanis.
next time we'll have to make lists.
...what's that lyric again? you live, you learn! thanks alanis.
Sunday, December 16
on the water
i'm about to get on a big ship to do mission work...yet...the main thing on my mind right now is all what i'll miss such as the free wireless connection that enables me to see the face of the man who makes me smile for days on end.
yes. it's official. i'm cheesy, mushy, blah blah blah. this is MY blog!
so, anyway, water here i come. please be kind to me. please have affordable wireless. and please have a gym and a low calorie buffet. please have a firm mattress and please don't charge me crazy hidden fees.
thank you.
yes. it's official. i'm cheesy, mushy, blah blah blah. this is MY blog!
so, anyway, water here i come. please be kind to me. please have affordable wireless. and please have a gym and a low calorie buffet. please have a firm mattress and please don't charge me crazy hidden fees.
thank you.
Sunday, December 9
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