letting go of God?

(caution: it's best to read ALL the way through, ponder, then comment. thank you.)


oh NPR... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh NPR...

in the midst of it's fund drive and my personal desire to not sleep (even though i should) i listened to an encore presentation of Terry Gross interviewing Julia Sweeney. Sweeney talked about her journey from Catholicism to Atheism. in her words, she has "let go of God." she's even written a song about it. it plays on her website and really captures a sense of relief.

while listening to the interview, my skeptical mind immediately said "oh please, Julia! you can't let go of God coz believe it or not, you never had God..." or did she and what does it mean to "have God" anyway?

but before i got skeptical about Julia, i let out an "oh Terry" sigh for the renowned interviewer who seems to love talking about not being or no longer being Christian. i just don't get it. i know that we're all entitled to our opinions but Terry, what's your deal?

but i must stop myself from all this negative backlash...at least for a minute. because there's a bigger question to be asked. what causes people to move from yes God to no God? i'm no philosopher but i'll venture a guess and my guess is that you can only move from yes to no if your yes is based on something faulty. (and yes, i'm an idealist. bare with me.) i don't quite understand how anyone can not believe in God and not desire all that God has for them after years of belief. i don't easily get that. i understand doubt in and wrestling with God but a total peace out? the fact that you once believed in what you now think is nonsensical goes to show the amount of faith necessary for belief and somehow or another you had that faith. so what really happened? yeah, i think something was faulty. coz if God is really that nonsensical, your adult mind wouldn't have had enough faith in God to begin with, would it? or was that the time in your life when you were searching and unstable and needed to hold on to something that sounded good and God was that something, or that notion of God that you'd heard so much about, therefore the fact that your belief was momentary is okay....?

excuse my boldness but i dare to suppose that what you've let go of isn't God so you're not really an Atheist after all. whew! that was a close call Julia! you had me worried there. i was about to pray for you and everything. coz i know what's what. you see, i know God and God is the real deal and you obviously didn't experience the real deal or you would have never left. oh yeah! once you get all wrapped up in Eternity, you don't peace out. you just don't...i mean, that wouldn't make any sense. how could it?

or could it?

Julia, i'll admit it. i'm not comfortable with you being an Atheist. in fact, i'd rather spell it with a lowercase "a"...atheist...so as to diminish its significance against my uppercase "G"...God. i'm not comfortable with you being an atheist for 3 reasons (coz that's all that's come to mind, not coz 3 has some sort of intrinsic power):

1st...what i said before is completely true. i think God is the real deal, so real that i don't EVER want to live without God. i can give you one experience after another to explain my belief (though "explain" probably isn't even the right word). but i'll spare you coz i don't think you need my story. but if you're curious, please feel free to ask. i won't hold back. you may have to schedule five 1/2 hour sessions to prevent overload. it's not that i've rehearsed a monologue (no offense) but i'm so sure of God's presence in my life and in the lives of others. i'm so sure that God literally walks with me and talks with me. i believe...YES, i BELIEVE that God loves me with ALL God's heart. and i've questioned. a lot. and i'm still believing. (and i'm sorry that the "b" word trips you up. i wish it were a simple case of semantics but i know it's more.)

2nd...i'm afraid that somewhere down the line, you were given the wrong picture of God, one that forced you to decide between reason and faith. you chose the former, not realizing that God never divorces the two coz God made the two and works in both arenas all the time. i'm afraid that you were given the wrong picture of God because someone wasn't patient enough with your questions, and like me in their idealism, they wanted to fix the picture according to their "expert" knowledge and faith journey instead of giving you the time and space and encouragement to seek God and wait for God's reply.

3rd...i don't think you want to believe, afraid that you'll lose something if you do.

Dear Julia, i want to paint what i believe to be a more accurate picture of your disbelief in order to make me more comfortable with it. i'm sorry. please forgive my swift kicks. i'll try to believe you. yes, you've let go of God for some reason...a reason i may never properly qualify. a reason i may never properly understand. i promise not to write an essay/book or preach a sermon against you or others like you. i won't pretend to know. and i sincerely, sincerely hope that one day you take a few intentional moments to ask God for just one more glimpse of Eternity. and when you wait patiently for it and get it i pray you'll hold it close forever.

yes Julia. i'm praying for you. it feels weird to write, sort of like saying that i'll pray for President Obama or other world leaders. i know you're not on that level of worldly significance but there's always a weird feeling attached to saying that i'll pray for someone who's so far removed from me. there's always a little voice in my head saying, "really? you're really going to pray for that person? and you think your little prayer is going to do something?"

see, that's 90% of the problem. somehow i grew up with the notion that my prayers work like a magic trick. poof! snap! stuff happens just like that! but lately i've started thinking of prayer as simply me talking to God and then listening to what God has to say. God sometimes replies right away sort of like when i say hello to someone as i walk by and they respond in kind. but then there are other times when God answers through other people or through the Bible. i'll talk to God at 6:15am and i'll get a reply at 2:55pm. it's similar to a child asking, "mum, can i go out to play?" she often waits, not because she wants to torture her child but because she's hoping the child will think things through a bit more, weigh the pros and cons like she's taught the child to do, and do some research on the weather conditions...what are the ramifications of this desire and will you use your brain or just wait for the handwriting on the wall?

so i'll talk to God about you. and maybe God will direct me to some concrete answers and maybe God will help me figure out how to be even more useful to you. and just maybe these conversations will disrupt things in the spiritual realm and cause Gods enemies to retreat and give you the space you need to believe again, to hold on again. (and yes, i believe that happens but there's not enough time to discuss it now.)

whatever the case, i'll pray. and i'll hope. and i'll keep on asking bold questions and tossing around bold answers. and hey Julie...if you want to reply, i'm all eyes...

till then,
Michaela

soggy cereal

i'm about to eat some soggy cereal. why? coz it's across the room and i haven't wanted to move to pick it up and bring it over here. so it's been sitting...flakes in soy...getting soggy.

i'm looking for the lesson, the deep truth bound up in my present lazy being...

suggestions anyone?

beauty

Reminder number one:
walk slowly. Steps matter
Smoke rises to greet the sky
afraid. Is it enough?

I sat on the floor today
Carpet circa 1995
Tough grey-brown, bland #11
Comfortless reliability stretched for meters around my exhausted frame
Lean brown-skinned girl, twisted locks set ponytail-like
Legs crossed. Elbows propping head in hands

What now?
Two words linger in the mulberry scented apartment air of unanswered questions
While the winter wind carries the tear-filled scream of an
ill-mannered child through my non-storm windows
Shut up dad!
Children these days. When did they get so…so…

Reminder number two:
quiet. This, a holy
sacrificial moment...
wait. Come one at a time.

The last yellow-orange teardrop quickly dies
Another offering accepted, grey haze hovering lightly above what once had
Breath in
Breath out
Now in sacred posture, hushed tones.

I’ve grown accustomed to this rhythm
Become familiar with this daily walk through what’s gone wrong
Never perfect except when perfectly not what He asked for…
again
A clear picture of blood disconnected from Life

Reminder number three:
apologize. Honest workers needed
apologize for unplugging yourself
for not dwelling in the present

I said sorry
Did He hear me?
I know…bible + prayer = growth
a kindergarten special that I stopped singing when I outgrew action songs
long legged stretch marks begat skepticism and skepticism begat an unconscious desire to shrink

but I’m different now
And I said I’m sorry
Did He hear me?
No thunder
No feeling
Everything sits still
Even time

Did he hear my confession?
The words “I don’t want to live like this anymore”
The prayer “Help me!”
I call but hear no response

Reminder number four:
no veil. no distance.
approach boldly…because you can.

I said, did You hear me?
Did you take my apology seriously, noting the head bowed and eyes closed, knees connecting with ground for what seemed like hours?
Did you feel my sincerity even though we’ve been through this before—me the altar call addict, You the Ever Patient?
Do you (really) accept me as I am, too broken to ever be
whole, too selfish to ever bring a complete sacrifice?

Reminder number five:
Assurance
You take this lifeless form
Breathe in
Breathe out
daily praying, interceding
Father forgive her…she just doesn’t know…yet

Then you press rewind
head back
daily revealing
Angels see…my grace has been sufficient

Reminder number six:
Great is Your faithfulness
God, You’re my Father
Mine

You’ve done all you can so that I’ll talk with You
and walk with You
so that I’ll never think to stop
Eden will be home forever

You’re always reminding me to listen, to really hear You
not just throw words at You
expecting white rabbits and plastic roses in return
imitators have been banished

Reminder number seven:
No need to be afraid
It is finished
I can be saved if I choose…
If I choose to stay your child
If I choose to worship
If I choose to believe

it’s 4% intellectual ascent. 104% faith…or thereabouts…so it seems
Just to believe that you want me, here, now
Dark glass and all
Cross-burnt hatred and all
Simmering rage and all
Perfection is a lost coin
I’ve just commenced the search

Meanwhile You’ve found me
Dusty at best
And You want to keep me
and I think You’re crazy
but if crazy saves
If crazy saves
I’ll take it…

Chapel-Goers and Mongolian Grill

“Did you go to Chapel today?” one friend asked another.

“I didn’t have to—I’ve reached the max,” she replied, relieved at her success and the even more satisfying-sounding fact that she’s one worship moment away from the dorm requirement.

And she’s not alone. A slew of us can relate to the sigh of relief that escapes, uncontrolled, from our hearts as we check our attendance record and realize that our required presence is almost over. A…men. And it’s not that we don’t love God. We’re not necessarily fighting to be freed from Christianity, either. It’s just that we haven’t leaned to fully appreciate this 50-minute block that seems to invade our busy schedule. We may even like many of the experiences we have during that time but the knowledge that we must go or else reap unwanted consequences in the form of fines or reports just gets under our skin.

So those of us who really despise the consequences go ahead and do our time, so to speak. For those of us who are likely worship participants, we hope that people will ask us to participate early in the semester. That way, we’re possibly more likely to enjoy the whole experience and it’ll be harder to fall behind the attendance limit.

So what’s the solution? Don’t require Chapel? Whatever! Let’s be honest folks. I’m not going regularly if it’s not required and most of you aren’t either. Some of you will never go. It doesn’t mean our spiritual walk is a failure but what does it mean?

I’m afraid to throw out suggestions, afraid to point fingers. So I’ll stay away from giving the popular answer that the people in charge need to do a better job and I’ll say this: how about we, the students, be the change we want to see?

I compare it to Sabbath services. I typically don’t enjoy sitting down for a couple of hours on a regular basis—I fall asleep. (Yes, even in class. It’s terrible, I know!) The more involved I am in that service, the better for all of us. The pastor won’t think s/he is boring as they watch my head hit the pew in front of me and I’ll walk away remembering the depth of what I’ve experienced. So it’s really helpful if even if I’m not singing upfront, that I’m asked to be an active participant in an intentional, Christ-centered worship experience. And I challenge myself beforehand to go into worship expecting to give just as I expect to receive. Of course I want to hear good music and a good sermon. Of course I want smooth transitions and friendly ushers. I’ve been raised to believe that all of that is normal. But I can’t put all the pressure on the people in charge. Worship isn’t a TV show. It’s much more like going out to eat at Mongolian Grill. The food is there, the cooks are ready but you’ve got to gather the ingredients. And they’ve got helpful tips but if you just want to try your luck and the end product is a bit too crazy for your taste buds, you can’t sue the restaurant.

So what do you do?

It’s Thursday morning (or some other morning depending on your campus area). You enter with a great appetite coupled with an openness to direction. Whether or not people smile at you or sound “authentic,” and whether or not it’s just as your friend said it would be, you determine to be blessed and be a blessing. You grab that bowl or that Bible and you soak up all the yummy goodness that time will afford. And even though it’s a “forced” encounter, you remind yourself that God is present as has something to show you. It may be new, it may be old. Either way, it’s good stuff. And in the end, you’ll say A…men!