This Is the Stuff just popped into my head as I clicked "new post."
Been up since 3 and moved from "I should be able to go back to sleep" to "it ain't happnin" as all the stuff that I have yet to complete at work flooded my brain and then my knee pain kicked in, reminding me that work expectations must shift and I should never have tried to waterski. (I keep thinking my ACLs are shot. Will do a self-diagnosis via webmd later.)
Oh work. You grow up believing that after a load of education you'll get into a job you love and you'll wake up each morning excited to do it. Well when you wake up at 3am and become more stressed out by the minute, you wonder who fed you lies--especially when the 3am stuff has happened before...
From fundraising for renovations to wondering how in the world the ministry house can be all things to all people, I'm already spent and I haven't even checked my to do list. I really want to aspire to live a life of service instead of counting the days until I get to do something that I'm not responsible for. That "r" word is kicking my tail. And I never should have told anyone that I'm a recovering perfectionist coz now I get reminders that they're watching, seeing if I'm really recovering. And in the meantime, I'm struggling to find a great balance, struggling to fulfill all my responsibilities to my job and to myself.
And in my introspection, I respond with, "Well, you should be seeking God's will and if you do that, everything will line up properly." And then I want to smack myself. Thank you all-knowing introspection. How timely are your words...[insert rolling eyes]
Then again, I'm not praying half as much as I should. The amount of sarcastic thoughts that fly through my brain each day make that quite clear. Unfortunately, I'm not used to praying so much. I don't think I've ever had to.
Increase Responsibility + More Prayer = Uncharted Waters...
Friday, July 8
Saturday, July 2
Rejection
Here's a terrible "freshman essay" first line for you:
Rejection is something we're all afraid of.
Oh really? You're kidding? Well I'll be!
So seriously, it's true and I admit that it's true for me. I recently had an "ah ha!" moment that wasn't quite as Oprah-exciting as the moment sounds. I was thinking through my relationship with a couple of my students or my lack of relationship (however you may want to term it). I started chaplaining with the realistic expectation that not everything would be a heel clicker, not everyone would fall in love with me or I with them, and I was okay with that in theory. But as the reality has played out I've found myself equating a lack of relationship with a job gone bad. Surely if I were worth my salt, I wouldn't be experiencing negatives. Yeah right.
And as thought about how things have transpired (or not transpired) I've realized two things: 1. all relationship trouble is two-sided & 2. I don't like to feel rejected.
Yuck. Blegh. #2 sounds gross, like I've got self-esteem issues. Me? No! Never... Well, yeah actually. I do often equate my worth with how others respond to me. I need to stop. And before you offer up random counsel on the matter, be assured that I've gotten much healthier in this respect. These (almost) 2 years have been such a character builder (to say the least!). I'm not as emotionally healthy as I'd like to be and just because I've got a load of awareness doesn't mean I've arrived.
#1 is easier somehow, allows me to not take responsibility for everything. Yet it also reminds me to take stock of my stuff, my yuck, grow, get better.
Still striving for better. Better = finding my worth ONLY in the One who made me...only.
**Now I don't often speak in 2nd person on here but I think I have to insert the following in response to the last 2 sentences....**
Feel free to groan at the cliche. And when you're done groaning and wallowing in your self-righteousness, buck up and get better... And that, my friend, is free advice. Take it or leave it but don't complain when getting better starts breaking your bank.
Don't you just love these uncharted waters? : )
Rejection is something we're all afraid of.
Oh really? You're kidding? Well I'll be!
So seriously, it's true and I admit that it's true for me. I recently had an "ah ha!" moment that wasn't quite as Oprah-exciting as the moment sounds. I was thinking through my relationship with a couple of my students or my lack of relationship (however you may want to term it). I started chaplaining with the realistic expectation that not everything would be a heel clicker, not everyone would fall in love with me or I with them, and I was okay with that in theory. But as the reality has played out I've found myself equating a lack of relationship with a job gone bad. Surely if I were worth my salt, I wouldn't be experiencing negatives. Yeah right.
And as thought about how things have transpired (or not transpired) I've realized two things: 1. all relationship trouble is two-sided & 2. I don't like to feel rejected.
Yuck. Blegh. #2 sounds gross, like I've got self-esteem issues. Me? No! Never... Well, yeah actually. I do often equate my worth with how others respond to me. I need to stop. And before you offer up random counsel on the matter, be assured that I've gotten much healthier in this respect. These (almost) 2 years have been such a character builder (to say the least!). I'm not as emotionally healthy as I'd like to be and just because I've got a load of awareness doesn't mean I've arrived.
#1 is easier somehow, allows me to not take responsibility for everything. Yet it also reminds me to take stock of my stuff, my yuck, grow, get better.
Still striving for better. Better = finding my worth ONLY in the One who made me...only.
**Now I don't often speak in 2nd person on here but I think I have to insert the following in response to the last 2 sentences....**
Feel free to groan at the cliche. And when you're done groaning and wallowing in your self-righteousness, buck up and get better... And that, my friend, is free advice. Take it or leave it but don't complain when getting better starts breaking your bank.
Don't you just love these uncharted waters? : )
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