5 Reasons Your Introverted Pastor Does NOT Hate You

This post is adapted from this post. It's so freeing for me to read. I encourage you to read on it too...

Does your pastor seem to:
- think more than talk
- have no backbone regarding conflict
- avoid you
- only share personal information with a select few
- prefer writing over talking
- dislike or even hate you

Allow me to be preemptively forthright: Your pastor does not dislike or hate you.
Here are 5 things which may help you understand your introverted pastor and trust that she does not hate you.

1. IT’S NOT YOU, ITS HER.
This is a part of her personality. The disconnection is not because of you. This is not an excuse; it is a simple statement of reality. The quiet reservedness is part of the way she is wired. It is not a reflection of how she thinks of you.

2. SHE IS NOT A BOUNCER (prone to DEPTH; not frequency)
Your introverted pastor is not going to be the type to bounce around from conversation to conversation on a Saturday (or whenever your main gathering is). Outgoing introverts have to work at it in large groups, but the depth of a face-to-face conversation with an introvert may be one of the deepest and most intentional conversations you’ve had.

3. THERE IS ALWAYS A “WHY” (processes)
An introvert, especially an introverted leader, is ALWAYS internally processing things. When an introverted leader enacts a change, which makes no sense to you, you can be assured that she has been over and over and over that decision in her mind for days, weeks, or months.  Introverted pastors make no flippant changes. Ask for the “why”, and she will likely have a well-thought out answer for you.

4. SHE IS AWARE OF MORE THAN YOU THINK (she observes and reads people…constantly)
Never assume your pastor knows nothing about you. A part of the internal processing mentioned above also applies to people watching. Your introverted pastor observes and reads people…constantly. Introverts have an uncanny ability to read people below the surface. She may not expose what she perceives verbally, but rest assured she knows you exist and…

5. SHE LOVES YOU DEARLY…BUT SHE IS DRAINED BY YOU
Introverted ≠ shy. Extroverted ≠ outgoing. The two words are references to how the person is energized. Extroverted people are energized by people, and are bored to tears when alone for too long. Introverted people are energized by time alone and are drained by extended exposure to large groups of people. Your introverted pastor is likely an outgoing introvert, but ‘outgoing’ is a mode she has to put herself into. It drains her energy level. It is NOT a reflection of you…it is the way she is wired.

[BONUS]: She IS aware of the disconnection…and she hates it
The downside of the internal processing is that your introverted pastor internalizes EVERYTHING, which includes the negative things. She very much desires to be connected to everyone at the appropriate depths a pastor SHOULD, but the very personality that makes her who she is makes it difficult to attain and sustain frequent connection.

She constantly thinks about the disconnection you feel, but she takes every bit of it personally. What seems like an oddity to an extrovert is a thorn in the flesh of an introvert.
Be mindful of these things next time you feel your introverted pastor dislikes you or intentionally distances herself from you.

consolidation

I just did something that's been years in the making and surely a step in the right and proper direction. I consolidated almost all of my blogs. Almost all because a couple need to stay separate. But the other four didn't need to be four. Yes, I've had 6 blogs. I'm winning in compartmentalization. Trust me, it all made sense when each blog began. They served different purposes. Separation was the right thing to do. Until it wasn't. And now four have become one.

I've been blogging since 2005. That's pretty cool. I've had a lot to say. Apparently.

Now to get on with the rest of my unpacking.

definitions

i'm in a pretty lengthy process of redefining how i live my life. i say it's lengthy as a sort of precautionary measure. i want to give myself as much time as i need and i have no clue what that'll be so "lengthy" seems a good choice.

the first step i've taken with regard to this blog is to remove what i do from the subtitle. after all, the thing that i do each weekday and often weekend that puts money in the bank account that i share with my husband is not the sum total of who i am. and "sum total" is one of those phrases i've never used out loud but sounds right. so i cross my fingers and hope i've used it correctly. and if not, i'll wait patiently for that one person who must be the rod of correction to fill me in in that oh so loving way in which correction rods do their thing.

yes, i am a campus minister. i am a pastor. i am a wife. i am a sweater lover. i am a load of things. and typically, this collection of labels makes for a pretty good day, week, month, year. but this year has been different and i feel as if the days leading into it were a sort of premonition. life will get crazy. prepare. be ware. but i had no idea just how crazy it would be.

2013 has been a beast. there are a few known-to-me reasons why that's so. and as i unpack each one, i'm sure i'll recognize even more and i hope that i never get anxious along the way as i heal and cry and laugh and pray. i have to pray. it's nonnegotiable.

check back in for more on this redefining journey. the mapper in me wants to have it all planned out perfectly so that there's a post at a very specific time over a very specific period of days. i think that's unrealistic at the moment. i'll post when i post. truth is, i have to get it out so it'll come. it'll come because stuff has started to collide.

collide

and i will try       to fix you
(quickly insert rich transition music) 
tears stream...

yeah, it's quite the emotive song. i'd listen to it now were it not for the fact that i'd have to first search for it and secondly, essentially permit myself to bawl my eyes out. i want neither. and so i remain on my blue-green seat cover, the one i bought from Pier One many moons ago because i thought it to be a simple floor cushion. i was later corrected. it was too late. i was too deeply "in like" to say goodbye and much too frugal to purchase the wicker/rattan bench that gets paired with it.

so yes, i'm sitting, laptop appropriately placed on my lap. it was initially cold but has since warmed up on my legs. i should go to bed. i cannot. i've got too much swarming my head. they have all collided.

they are the things i usually keep apart, be it by denying their concurrent existence or by creating separate blogs for each. my personal life. my professional life. my personally private-ish life....and the list would go on if i let it. i've often remembered the thought i processed a few years back. you should really combine everything. just make a website and call it good. It's clearly time; they have all collided.

and i need time to unpack each one, individually, and then see how it's impacting the others and how that collective confusion is driving me nuts. i'm supposed to be a pastor/chaplain person. Perhaps I'll start my unpacking there.

Psalm 23

Do we believe?

A Letter

At a periodic gathering that I'm part of, one of our latest activities was to write a letter to ourselves, stating what we'd like God to do in our lives. The facilitator for that activity, took our self-addressed envelopes, stamped them, and mailed them to us several days later. Mine came in the mail a couple of days ago.

May 1, 2013

Dear Self, 

I want God to renew in me a right spirit, to give me a clean heart that's receptive to all He has for me. When I think of that "all" I think about the students who have been entrusted to my care and the love that I need to develop for them, a deeper unconditional love that provides them with space and encouragement to grow both individually and collectively. Another aspect of this "all" is an ability to slow down and prayerfully move according to God's timing. And lastly (though I'm aware that this isn't an exhaustive list) is that I can develop a stronger foundation of support from those around me so that the expectations I have are clear and realistic. 

God, help me! 

-MLJ-

I meant every word. I still do. But these waters take a long time to navigate. I'm in, though. I'm in.

Psalm 23 (a personalized account)

You, Lord, are my Shepherd
I will not lack anything
You make it possible for me to lie down in green pastures
You lead me (what grace!) beside still waters
You restore my soul
You lead me in paths of righteousness for the sake of Your name
Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (and not every valley has death...don't let me exaggerate), I will have no reason to fear because You are with me
Your rod and your staff (directional cues) comfort me
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies (even the enemies that I've created?)
You anoint my head with oil (I'm so unworthy...), my cup overflows
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life (I'm keeping that hope alive)
And I will live in Your house, my Lord, forever

And because I live in your house, Lord, I will live by your house rules.

Love is rule #1.

Oh boy...

Now What?

So Sex Week ended yesterday...(I'm actually writing this on Friday so that I don't have to think about it tomorrow...not because sex is bad to think about on Saturday but because this practice of blogging every day of the week has been exhausting and that's not how I wish to spend Sabbath.)

The other day I wondered, "What will the students do once Sex Week ends?" It's not that I think something negative will erupt but that I wonder how well the conversation will continue and whether or not I should play an active part in that.

This week it has been very difficult for me not to feel self-righteous, judgmental, and the like. With almost every post I felt as though someone, somewhere was reading my words and glaring at me, hoping for an opportunity to publicly shame me for speaking against something they value or do. This week I often wondered if entering the conversation in this way was helpful especially as someone who has never written 7 blog posts in a row and who has never written or spoken this much about sex.

Sure, I can see that people are reading the posts via the stats log but in the end was this just me exercising freedom of speech for the sake of a few high fives?

And I wonder if any of the organizers and supporters of Sex Week have any such feelings themselves. From the meetings I attended, they clearly went to great lengths to not only promote the week but expose students to a variety of perspectives, some of which I found very helpful. The week wasn't just about having sex but about notions of sexuality and sexual practice. Health professionals were on hand to talk with students, professors moderated healthy discussions. This was no small effort.

But now what? What happens next? Will this become an annual event? Will it become just an event? Has sex become just an event? Is it worth fighting for change?

There are a lot of things we try to do in our various spheres of influence, be they big or small. Sometimes we make a great impact. Sometimes we fail miserably. Sometimes we hear crickets. Whatever the case, I hope you'll take this last thing to heart. I learned it on Thursday, a day that's been the most peaceful day of the week thus far. I've been stressed about a lot of things, processing a lot of thoughts from the moment I wake up to the moment I finally fall asleep. It has been a week. And by Thursday morning I'd had it.

I prayed. I'd been praying all week but I reached the point of, "I'm so done with this."And at that point, God clearly brought these words to my mind:

What have I asked you to do? Do it faithfully. 

And that's what's now.

***

Thank you for reading, for joining the conversation and sharing it with others. Hopefully we'll each be faithful with what we've been asked to do. Hopefully we'll each stick to what we've been asked to do. Now to take a blogging break.

Shalom.

The Non-Sex Stuff that Affects Sex

We often hear the question, "How far is too far?" and it's asked within the context of having sex.

Well, there's another question that we should, perhaps, be a bit more concerned about. It goes like this: What's that stuff that isn't sex that will impact my decision to have sex and the actual act of having sex in a negative way?

I got the "guard the avenues to your heart" talk when I was young. I'm not sure who gave me that talk but I know I got it. What I didn't get was, "What are your thoughts about how sex will/can be and where have those thoughts come from?" Had these questions been posed, followed by an in-depth exploration of the root of my ideas on sex, it would have increased my awareness and wisdom tenfold. And these are conversations that should have, ideally, been ongoing. Instead of one sex-ed class in 8th grade, adding more conversations sprinkled across high school and college would have been golden because we are maturing. Even though I maintained a stance that I wouldn't have sex till marriage, my ideas about sex were changing because my encounters with sexuality were growing and becoming more complex. And it's not that I had questions, necessarily, that weren't being answered. There are many things I've never questioned not because I was afraid to but because I didn't know there was a question.

So I'm an example of the type of person who's benefited tremendously from random people taking it upon themselves to educate those around them about the complexities and sometimes the ridiculous surprises of sex. Here are two things that may help you unpack...

Chick Flick Ideation
In good stereotypical woman fashion, I love a love story. But when I realized that many of these love stories were creating in me a very unrealistic view of not only sex but dating, communication, marriage, men's roles, women's roles, and more, I began cutting back. This was before I was even dating the man who's now my husband. Even now that I'm married, I sometimes see how the ideas I picked up from film are affecting how I view my husband's actions. How awful is that? Comparing my husband to a conglomeration of fictional male characters who are underdeveloped and unrealistic? Note to self: if it can happen in and hour and 50 minutes, it probably can't happen in real life.

And it's not just the chick flicks, the pornography...it's not just media. There are a variety of misinformed sources that plague us in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Yet instead of simply saying, "Be careful what you let into your head," we also need to ask, "What is in your head?" and unpack things from there.

Time Spent
The more time we spend together, the closer we become, the more we feel like we should be together...even if the relationship isn't the healthiest and even if we're not yet having sex.

Who we spend our time with and how we spend that time when we're with them will, inevitably, affect how we view a lot of life. Ignoring problem points that come up between you instead of learning to communicate properly and argue well? So excited to be together so you give in to what the other person wants just to keep the relationship? These are just a couple of the things that affect sex, even if you're not having it. How so?

A couple needs to be able to speak clearly about sexual expectations: what kind, how often, etc. If you don't know how to communicate well in other areas of your relationship, it'll hurt your communication about sex. You can't ignore that. Even if you don't have sex till years from now, start practicing healthy communication now.

And giving in just to keep the relationship will set you up for sex failure. Sex is supposed to pleasure both people. You'll only be able to acquiesce for a little while when it comes to sex. Eventually your frustrations will overwhelm the relationship.

So how are you spending your time?

That's all for now...

***

Now What?: That's our final topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

WWPD--What Would Paul Do?

Today I'm definitely speaking specifically to people who use the term Christian to define their faith journey. I'm also clearly making (as I always do) a few assumptions about what that means based on what I've learned and believe about God. We can't get away from that. So if you find yourself responding with, "That's ridiculous!" please ask yourself and spend time replying to this wonderfully layered question: What's my faith framework? 

***

As Christians, we often try to make decisions based on what the Bible has to say. This is a normal process, something we consider a good part of faith and practice.

The trouble is that we often take it too far, attempting to find a literal "thus saith the Lord" for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. and refusing to take responsibility for what we've already been told. And then, as a Christian, there's this thing called faith. So we know that we're not supposed to have a litteral "thus said the Lord" for everything and we've been taught to surrender to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Yet we often find ourselves right back in a fear-driven space that's void of commitment. 

Well, in talking with a ministry colleague the other day, I learned a new way to read the Bible. The pastor said something like, "Don't say WWJD to students; say WWPD because Paul is seemingly so much more radical." We laughed. I can imagine the reaction now: "It's better to be celibate???? That's the higher calling?"

So what would Paul do or, perhaps, what would Paul first say to us about our current sex culture and specifically about the having of sex?

I'm not sure but from what Paul did say and do, I'm quite sure he'd take the hard road no matter what it looks like. First he might begin his letter with something about how much he values us, how much he prays for us. Then he'd call us, his congregation, to pursue a lifestyle that's extremely counter-cultural and uncomfortable. Perhaps he'd name it a thorn and implore us to persevere, reminding us that this struggle is bigger than us and that God is with us. Eventually he'd wrap things up with the grace of Jesus Christ and we'd be left feeling pumped to pursue the written will of God. That is, until someone uttered the word, "Huh?" And someone would, because today we don't take words from "on high" to heart nearly as readily as people have done in times passed. And regardless of times, there's always at least one person, it seems, who'll bravely speak from their hip when the topic is hard to hear.

I guess, from what I've been able to imagine, I don't think Paul would have anything to say that would satisfy us. And even if we go back to our WWJD position, we probably won't find anything there that satisfies, either.

But what if we're not looking for literals? What if we're willing to look at the big salvation picture, the reality that what God has wanted since He created is to commune with us, His creations. And with the entrance of sin, we've not been able to do that well at all. So the sacrifice of Jesus gives us an opportunity to enter into a life-giving relationship that, if we surrender to, will transform us and one day get us back to face-to-face communion with God. The sex questions we struggle with now, the decisions we make about sex, all of that should be guided by this overarching narrative within which God says,

I made you and want to spend time with you (Genesis 1& 2) yet not everyone agrees (Genesis 3-Revelation 20). So I've been doing all I can (Whole Thing) to have a relationship with you. Please commune with Me, stay with Me (John 15) and help others do the same (Matthew 28; Micah 6:8) so that one day all who are with Me can move on with Me to perfect times (Revelation 21, 22).*

If you're reading the Bible, searching for direction, then read on; read it all. And as you read and after you read, if Jesus is Lord to you then ask the Holy Spirit to lead you to what you should know and what you should do. Then listen. And listen. And listen some more. Then, when you know that you've heard and what you've heard, follow. Respect it. I know that's hard to do yet we must.

***

The Non-Sex Stuff that Affects Sex: That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

*Don't worry. I know these passages don't represent everything.

Abstinence Isn't Enough

We've come to day 4.

From comments like "keep your legs closed" to "keep yourself pure" to "this is a moral standard," I get a clear sense that we don't talk about abstinence in enough detail. The first comment suggests that you're able to simply shut off hormones, desires, thoughts... The second comment suggests that purity is something you can achieve on your own. The third, often used in organizational contexts, suggests policy over people. And I'm sure there are various other conclusions you can also draw from these and other words that we seem to toss over our shoulder in passing or yell out from a position of power expecting that folks will just get it.

But it's not enough to say, "do this" or "don't do this" and it has never been enough. Fortunately, so to speak, there was a time when more people questioned authority less. My parents told me what to do and I did it. I didn't often ask why. That way of being is now antiquated. We need to answer, properly answer, the question, "Why?"

Why isn't it enough to say that we should abstain from sexual activity? It's not enough because the consequences aren't simple. We've talked about some of those in the last two days, the good and the bad results of having sex. You can read those here and here.

Part of the "more" we should be saying has to do with viewing ourselves holistically. Everything I do impacts everything I do which impacts how I am with others and even how I am with the earth. That's not some strange idea. The peppermint tea I'm currently drinking is positively impacting the yucky way my throat felt from getting up very early this morning. This has, in turn, helped my yucky frustrations dissipate and I'm in a better frame of mind to write and to interact with others--true story. And as I go on with my day, I'm sure I'll be able to talk more about how all these various dots connect for better...and for worse.

So if my life is filled with these sorts of ripple effects, shouldn't I be thinking carefully about the various things I'm doing? I suppose that matters most if I'm thinking beyond this moment and beyond myself, part of what's lacking from discussions on sexuality.

Here and Now
I just heard about an app geared toward gay, bisexual and bi-curious men and enabling them to find each other via GPS. This app makes it easier for men to find other men who fit their profile and they can quickly connect wherever they are. It's known as a hookup app. There's a related app by the same creator that's geared toward people who are straight. It functions in a similar manner to the first and helps men and women meet. It's a way to make friends, hangout, etc.

Both apps speak, in part, to our desire to have things as quickly as possible. My parents used to talk about the benefits of group dating at church social events, taking time to check people out and see how they interact with others before spending time alone. In 2013 this takes a whole lot more effort than it did in 1963 and church culture isn't quite what it used to be. In addition, not everyone ascribes to church culture anyway. So we want and need new ways of connecting and we want ways that don't take so long even if we don't want to have sex right away. But the bottom line is that we're very easily more focused on here and now than on there and later, the time when a lot of what we've done here and now may kick us in the rear.

But that all depends on what the present time involves. Are we willing to wrestle with the fact that we may live for a while and that it'll be really great to be old and healthy and that some of the things we're doing now don't have "old and healthy" in mind? Healthy refers not just to physical health but emotional health. Look around. Some of the crazy norms we possess and our friends posses are the result of what our parents and grandparents did. Our norms are part of the ripple effect.

Beyond Me
And that's a perfect segway to talking about how what I do impacts other people. Family is an easy space within which to see good and bad thought patterns and behaviors passed along from generation to generation. It's also interesting to look at how "chick flicks" develop various expectations in women regarding how men should treat them.

Now, to think about how everything we say and do is received by other people can be a bit overwhelming. "How will person X respond to my consumption of peppermint tea? What if they know I haven't yet had breakfast, how will that impact their feelings about food?" Yeah, it's not the most practical approach to life all the time. I'm actually not trying to suggest that we become ridiculous but that we honor each other by not knowingly saying and doing things that taint another person's future.

And maybe that's part of the problem Maybe we don't know that what we're doing sexually will negatively impact someone else. Maybe we've been modeled "what's in it for me?" so much that our first thought is "me" all the time and to think of "you" first would not be natural. Maybe that's so.

But the sex we have, whatever kind it is, will always impact someone else and sometimes the impact will be bad because we've been selfish. The sex we have helps form our ideas about ourselves which, in turn, affects how we relate to others. If the sex we have causes us to think of ourselves as conquerors in sex then we will think of the person we're having sex with as the conquered and we will potentially pursue them as prey. No one who has been preyed upon feels like a champion after they've been captured. No one. I know that sounds like a dramatic scenario but it's not uncommon especially in a hookup culture and it reveals a bit more of the ripple effect.

Conclusions?
It's not enough to just tell people to practice abstinence and it's not enough to celebrate your virgin status. We have to think longterm and we have to think about others. You can close your legs for a lifetime and become the most self-centered person who's of no use to the community around you if you don't get out of your navel. And sorry, having sex won't automatically heal and free you.

***

WWPD--What Would Paul Do? That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

Consequences Part 2

When I think of people I know who aren't experiencing sex (or intimacy of any kind) in a healthy, committed way, I see insecurity. It's sad, really. I want people to be secure in who they are and in who their with and I want that security to come from a really healthy space, one that doesn't clutter their world with more baggage. And that's what happens outside of healthy commitment.

Now here's an expanded version of the positive in addition to the negative consequences.

      1. Intimacy increases/decreases
Intimacy is related to privacy which is why we're not intimate with everyone we meet. We're not interested in everyone knowing everything about us. That's normal, healthy behavior and it doesn't mean you're not being vulnerable (something that's' quite healthy, also). Vulnerability is another topic for another week.

We need privacy. We need for people not to know us physically in a random manner. This level of knowing, of revealing, makes us more vulnerable to STDs and parenthood that we aren't mature enough to commit to (old news, I'm sure.) In time, it also reduces what was private. We should be fighting harder for sexual privacy (as in not sharing who we are so freely) than we do for privacy from the government.

And as what was private becomes public, intimacy decreases. The mystery is gone. The depth is lost. And it's likely that we'll become less trusting.

      2. Trust increases/decreases
Building trust is something we need and want to be able to do. Like privacy, it's normal and healthy. When you lack sexual privacy, you make yourself and the people you're allowing to know you sexually, less capable of being able to identify people who are filled with integrity and want the best for you sexually. Sexual "freedom" perpetuates skepticism about the world because the more sex you have with different people, the more you expose yourself to people who don't actually care for you sexually or otherwise. These are people who aren't interested in you, personally, before they're interested in you sexually. That opens you up to more hurt, to more sexual frustration. People have different sexual expectations so if you're always looking for sexual pleasure, you're going to experience disappointment which will lead to frustration--in yourself (feeling you're not performing well) in others (because you don't think your sexual partners are performing well). You will increasing feel as though they're selfish because they're not trying to do more for you and the feeling will be mutual. This frustration yields more distrust.

This doesn't mean that all you need is to say you're in a committed relationship so, therefore, you can start having sex. This also doesn't mean that just because a couple is married means they should be having sex, either. In an age where commitment in marriage is waining, the key is commitment. And it's one of the keys to sexual openness. Committing to someone is much more than saying we love each other. It's committing to growing together and if you're committed to growing with someone then you're committing to understanding who they are, how you fit into that picture and how you can commit to helping them experience not just sexual fulfillment but fulfillment in every other area of life.

So yes, there's this privacy clause that's part of having sex and if you open yourself up and allow yourself to experience the lack of privacy, then you're allowing yourself to experience the lack of trust, the lack of safety.

So let's talk more about safety by talking about commitment.

      3. Commitment increases/decreases
Commitment is always for a period of time. Your job may send you oversees for 2 years. That's a form of commitment. Another form could be some sort of topical small group gathering that lasts for 6 weeks.

Friendship* is similar except that we don't go into any relationship thinking that it'll only last a certain amount of weeks or months or years. We unconsciously think lifetime, permanent not temporary. Temporary friendships are typically caused by a breakdown in trust and we experience frustration/hurt/sadness when that happens...unless we're so emotionally broken that we're able to seemingly distance ourselves from it all.

If this is the way we are naturally--inclined to want something that stays--then when we think about committing to someone sexually, why don't we think permanently? Whether you want to call that marriage or partnership, there is this real aspect of being together permanently.

Commitment is deep, it's hard, it's layered. It's wonderful to know when you have a committed relationship, to know that even when you're a jerk, you're going to work through stuff. That's huge like an orgasm. An orgasm is no simple thing. You shouldn't be sharing that mystifying act with everyone.

There's another negative consequence related to sex and commitment. Having sex can also cause you to commit to someone you shouldn't commit to. Many people have become "free" with their sexuality and have allowed themselves to move from one partner to the next. But there are others who still believe in commitment and as a result of having sex with that person, they start believing that they should commit. That's normal, it's healthy. Except that the person you feel you should commit to isn't necessarily the person you should commit to.

Whatever we believe, we want to commit to something. We don't like committing to something we can't be proud of, something we're only 40% convinced about. So with a human being, with friendships, we're not going to grow with someone who we only like spending 40% of our energy on. Sex has a way of connecting people  and if we're not wiling to recognize that for what it is, to surrender to what that is, then we're prone to experience a lot of pain and cause others a lot of pain also. Sooner or later you realize the person, outside of the sex that could be great, isn't what you want. But the guilt that's grown (which you could say is the consequence of a particular faith upbringing but I'd argue is there in spite of that) is not what you want to experience.

There's intimacy, this opening up of a private space by partaking in a very private act. There's trust that deepens as intimacy is shared repeatedly. And there's commitment, the desire to stay together, to grow together. They are all good consequences of sexual activity but outside of an already committed space, one that says, "I'm here for you even if we can never have sex" these consequences turn negative and it takes a while to heal from the damage they cause.

To have sex is not simply to have sex...no matter what kind of sex it is.

***

Abstinence Isn't Enough: That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

*By friendship, I mean friendship, not acquaintanceship. Wikipedia spells it out more clearly.

Consequences Part 1

There are many. I'll just focus on a few. Remember, we're talking about the having of sex.

Why focus on consequences? The hook-up culture, especially on college campuses, reveals our decreased focus on consequences, on long-term costs/benefits. In addition, we're more focused on "what's in it for me?" than "what's in it for us?" which goes hand in hand with our self-centered approach to life on many levels.

Another reason to focus on consequences is our growing desire to make everything permissive--"you be you, I'll be me...no judgment" when in reality, we can't all be "free to be me" at all times. This sort of freedom within the context of having sex is frightening.

So here we go. We'll focus first on the positive consequences of having sex.

1. Intimacy increases because you reveal to each other something that is very private 
2. Trust increases as this private revelation increases and you both honor what's been revealed
3. Commitment increase because as trust increases, you have good reason to believe that you should stay together...and you want to.

***

Consequences Part 2. That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

Yes, it matters. But of course!

I'm talking about sex...the having of it.

It's not simply a topic, an expression, a choice. It's this deep, layered, and somewhat mystifying act even if you don't believe in God. And it's this way regardless of any other thing you can think of that creates an "us/them" sort of separation: class, race, gender, ethnicity, sexual preference...you get the picture. No matter what you believe about anything, no matter who you are, sex matters.

The act of sex isn't something you stumble into. There's no "oops" in it, no "how did we get here?" Unless the sex you've had is the result of abuse, unless you've been drugged or are somehow otherwise unconscious (all subjects I will not enter into here), you're making a very conscious choice. And with that very conscious choice, you're entering into a world of emotions and consequences that cannot be undone, for better or for worse. When it's your first time, you probably don't know quite how all the mechanics of it work (unless your partner is experienced and can instruct you) but you're still making a conscious decision. And that decision matters.

I'll never forget being an undergrad at a small liberal arts college and having a seminarian talk to a group of us in a rec room about what happens when people have sex. I was probably there to shoot pool or just hang out with friends. There was no planned talk. I suppose the seminarian knew his audience, one he had a relationship with, and boldly walked where many (regretfully) fear to tread.

He discussed the implications of a man entering into a woman. and how once one man has entered into a woman consistently, the two fit each other physically. So for another man to enter into that same woman would be like putting on an incorrectly sized sock. The new man doesn't belong. A physical connection forms with the first, an emotional connection that cannot be undone. The two have become one.*

Something in my head said, "This sex-ed is out of control." And something else said, "Listen carefully." and I did. It stuck, clearly. (At least 17 years have passed since that moment.) I came away knowing that even if all the details the seminarian shared weren't 100% accurate, his main point was crystal clear. Sex matters--don't take it lightly.

Are you taking it lightly?

It's not a pair of shoes that have a 30-day return policy, one that says, "Use the shoes as much as you like and if within 30 days you decide they're not for you, send them back and we'll refund your money. No questions asked." In that scenario, a bad fit may cause some soreness. You may need to see a podiatrist. But when you have a money-back guarantee on shoes, you probably won't punish yourself by wearing a pair that don't fit; therefore, the consequences (other than processing time) will be minimal.

And it's not this thing you just do to let the person you love know that you're committed to them. It's not that simplistic.

Why do I care so much? In university contexts, the hook-up culture is growing and in our wider culture context, sex has become further and further detached from commitment...and that's very likely partly due to our inability or unwillingness to admit that sex is more than a pleasure that I have the right to freely partake it. There are consequences, negative ones that we shouldn't have to put ourselves and others through. Those consequences reveal the complex nature of sex. It's deep, it's layered and it's somewhat mystifying. We've got to respect it.

Do I sound like a broken record yet?

***

Consequences Part 1. That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

*And by the way, I am very aware that sexual intercourse isn't the only part of sex. There's oral sex. There are sexual acts I don't even want to speak of. Yes, sex is a large discussion. Regardless of which part you take part in, sex isn't something to be toyed with.

sex...a 7-day series.

It's time for another series. This one will span the next 7 days. Why? Because it's Sex Week* at University of Tennessee, Knoxville (UT) so how college students view and practice sex is on my mind in a particularly special way.

Sex is deep. It's layered. It's somewhat mystifying. Let's take it seriously. And let's talk about it.

Day 1: Yes, it matters. But of course!

Day 2: Consequences Part 1

Day 3: Consequences Part 2

Day 4: Abstinence Isn't Enough

Day 5: WWPD--What Would Paul Do?

Day 6: The Non-Sex Stuff that Affects Sex

Day 7: Now What?


*Sex Week is the initiative of UT students in collaboration with several other people/entities. As far as I know, though part of its funding comes through student fees, UT is not in charge of the week. Just a point of clarification in case you're wondering.

job description: part 1

roughly two months ago, i confessed to a group of colleagues that i used to think i was a good listener until i realized that i just didn't talk.

my confession elicited major laughter. it surprised me. i wasn't trying to be funny and then i experienced the joy of being naturally funny. i tried not to pride myself in the moment but simply move on. as you can tell, i still pride myself in the moment.

anyway, yes, not talking is not the same as listening well. listening well is something i've experienced improvement in since january. honestly. it's this interesting thing where you actually pay attention not just to what someone's saying but to what they're not saying and how they're saying what they're not saying. and it's really not that complex when it transpires. one of the trickiest parts is not saying anything in response. i know right? *mind blown* how in the world do you not respond? that's like not participating in the conversation. well, you see, it's not really a conversation that we're used to. it's not the sort where i hear what you're saying long enough to figure out what i'm going to say and how to slip it in nicely so that it seems as if i truly care to make that transition to my own point.

this listening is new and selfless...that's why it's so new. in order to do it well, i have to remove my "fix it" hat, the one not only known by men, btw. i take that off because if i don't, i get frustrated which hinders listening all the more. you see, a great percentage of these true listening conversations involve issues that i can't fix, stuff i have zero answers for. my childhood world of B&W is no longer helpful because the answers enclosed in that packet don't always get at the core.

the answer is not, "do this, " but "unpack this" and unpacking during one's adult years is multilayered. some of what you unpack must inevitably be laundered and that's a process all its own. perhaps some are dry clean only. other pieces may need to be thrown away--they've seen better days. still other items need to be returned to their rightful owner, emptied of tissue, refilled, wrapped up...unpacking is a necessary chore.

one should really unpack before heading out on another trip.

i've been asked not to save you but to help you unpack. oy.


***

this is part of a series on being savior. find more like it here.

on being a savior

The following posts are all dedicated to the students I've worked with through the years, from Lacombe, Alberta, to Knoxville, Tennessee and every other place in between.

#1: spare an angel

#2: eye of the tiger

#3: if i could

#4: doubting thomas

#5: fix you

job description: part 1

#5

I used to think I had to save you.

It was the standard setup. You came to me with your stuff and I, the "all-knowing," would listen and advise. It's the stuff of movies and ministry fairytales. But you were already aware enough to know the answers and to tell me when my answers were off base.

So I often wondered why you came, why you kept making the time for me to hear you, if I couldn't heal you. And I wanted to dig deeper, to pry off more layers. But I didn't. Because I was sure I wouldn't be able to fix you. And somewhere in all that messiness of insecurity, I stopped taking time to make time so that we could talk. I got scared. If only I had let you be. If only I had...


***

this is part of a series on being savior. find more like it here.

#4

I used to think I had to save you.

And then we had an unexpected meeting. The hug, the joy that ensued reminded me that we're on equal footing. Yes, we occupy different roles and yes, our responsibilities to each other differ. Yet we walk together.

If only I'd experienced more joy with you. We did experience grief together. Yours was the first hug to greet me, the first revelation of our equal footing or, rather, the first within the context of our chaplain-student context. Your hug let me know that I could feel, too. But I was too busy making sure everyone else was alright...from a distance...at that stage I was still too jaded to get any closer.


***

this is part of a series on being savior. find more like it here.

#3

I used to think I had to save you.

I made absolutely zero progress. I quit early on you. Wish I could remember how freeing that is each time I get back to this unhealthy space. But with you things were different. I'd already grown up a lot by the time you came along. By the time we hashed it out, I could more readily recall this truth: I shouldn't spend time defending myself. If I have to do that then I've got other, bigger, fish to fry. And over the years, I've been frying away bit by bit. Frying away my insecurities, my need to be validated by you.

So today I'm not so needy, not so quick to play savior. Because all lower-case saving is simply a play.


***

this is part of a series on being savior. find more like it here.

#2

I used to think I had to save you.

So when you walked into my office and invited me out for a late night coffee shop run, I became unsure of my place. I never knew exactly how to respond to your maturity and to your love. You had a much stronger hold on your emotions than I did. That didn't intimidate me. I was grateful. I knew you could be a safe space. And you were.

So I sat in your apartment one evening and almost cried. If we could go back to that moment, I'd bawl my eyes out. The release would have been so good. I allowed myself to be there for you on the pedestrian walkway but I didn't know how to let you be there for me.

***

this is part of a series on being savior. find more like it here.

#1

I used to think I had to save you.

Perhaps that began the morning your basketball coaches knocked on our classroom door, asking to speak with me.

Was this normal? I didn't know quite how to respond. They were tall, the senior of which wore a dark velour sweatsuit.

That afternoon I asked Tom for an "off the record conversation." Taking his backpack off a chair, he gave me permission to begin. I somewhat vented and almost cried. Was that morning's visit a threat to do all I can to help your bad grades so that you, star player, could keep scoring? And was that when I began my savior complex? Is that when the tears began to flow at night as I wondered what more I could do to make your life better?

***

this is part of a series on being savior. find more like it here.