knowing - matt 7

it's easy to toss around. "stop judging me!" "I like it when ppl don't judge me, when they just accept me for who i am."

blah blah blah

as a former co-worker said (loose paraphrase), "stop whining about ppl judging you. sometimes you're just wrong and that's that!"

so here i am at 1:30 tuesday afternoon. 3 months into a new job. i've done a LOAD of judging. for me it's really simple. "to form an opinion or conclusion about." nothing wrong with that stuff. what IS wrong is when i keep going beyond a basic opinion or conclusion, when i move from, "that was unkind" to "that was unkind, he should know better, he's clearly incompetent, he doesn't deserve xyz." oooo. now that's not cool. check out my plank!

now here's another side to the basic judgment issue, the issue of knowing.

when i discover that he or she is unkind, i'm not going to readily embrace. now my guard is up. i'm going to try to give the benefit of the doubt...perhaps there's something else the person was dealing with that caused them to be unkind to me. i'll try not to take it personally. but if it was really really bad and if it's consistent, my guard is definitely up.

i refuse to act blindly. i refuse to throw pearls to pigs. using my brain is quite biblical.

belief

i often begin thinking about work 5 minutes after i become fully conscious in the morning. it's a great reminder that i actually care about my job. on the other hand, it's often a reminder that i'm overwhelmed as my job's various realities crash into my personal need to simply adjust to my new life. this morning is a crash morning. and as my head becomes clouded by stress i tell myself to stop yet find some sort of terrible satisfaction in attempting to control the cloud.

and then i read Matthew 6:25-34--do not worry.

i could conclude that i'm just supposed to live in the moment. but no. i should still plan for tomorrow but not get caught up in the uncertainties of tomorrow. that's where the crash occurs. if i knew exactly what would happen i like to think i'd be okay. but i'd probably still experience this crazy worried state. so i've just got to get into the habit of asking God for direction, doing my part and leaving the rest alone.

leave the rest alone. stop trying to control the future. stop it. stop. God's got this. the consequences of unbelief will drive me mad.

the day i stopped crying

i'll have to start getting all my facts straight then write them down...be intentional about healing. who knew you could feel so deeply at 11? at that age, you're supposed to be fighting the drab effects of puberty not vowing to never return to a country that had become your home, your family, your life. i've always been a bit of a drama queen on the inside, creating false realities with my penchant for romantic tales. there is nothing romantic about civil war in your back yard. yet leaving isn't easy.


19 years later and still unable to feel positively toward Liberia, i need to return. go home. because the day i vowed never to return is probably the day i stopped crying.


it's not a good way to live.

treasure

these days i read my Bible without the guilt of "thou shalt read your Bible" that i grew up nurturing and with the true desire to read b/c i know it's essential. i'm finally in Matthew, unable to complete a chapter each day b/c there's so much goodness in a section. take Matthew 6:19-24 for example. yeah, yeah, yeah. treasure. i shouldn't focus on money. money and evil go hand in hand. i should focus on heaven. yeah. yeah. yeah.


no.


i'm too old to take such a brash approach that's not even biblical but has become my interpretation of this passage and feeds guilt. why don't i enjoy focusing on heaven? why does this passage seem like an unattainable ideal? b/c my interpretation isn't biblical. if it were, it would be accessible and applicable.


so.


today i read it much differently. i've been spending a lot of money lately. start-up costs. and i'm basically tired now of spending but i still have basic things to buy. like a bed. and i've grown tired of thinking about quality, quantity, style, color, size, etc. i just want to finish setting up my apartment before i reach the 6th month mark.


so today, my head really got excited when i read that it's better to store up treasures in a place where there's no theft or decay. no renter's insurance needed. and everything there will be the best quality ever. but i'm not interested in the aesthetics of heaven, anyway. i'm interested in meeting God and asking many questions. i'm interested in experiencing corporate worship in heaven b/c i think it's such a vital part of our God-connection. and since heaven is a place of peace, it helps me realize that in all my shopping, earth can become even more chaotic than it already is. too many decisions. not enough time. plus i'd really like to be saving more.


conclusion? create a spreadsheet of all the things i still need to purchase. need to. not want to. price them. think about wear and tear and be sensible not cheap. think about being the minimalist i so desire to be (and currently am based on my apt's present holdings), then finish expending all this money energy. b/c what's really making the process a pain is that i'm unable to focus all my energy on the things i really treasure as the shopping list becomes a sort of treasure when i become tied to a particular item that i really don't need to purchase.


yes, this post may be a bit confusing. no worries. it's for me more than it is for you. =)


thank you God for the time to work through this and the amazing way your Word continues to be real to our lives. and the more often we read it, the more applicable it becomes. interesting. so true.