this week's "remedy"

i've been trying to make a habit of taking out a certain notebook at 1pm each friday and reflecting on the week. i call it "remedy" b/c that's the local coffee shop in which this idea first took shape. and the remedy of this cathartic process is it's ability to not necessarily fix anything that's gone wrong during the week but rather to force me to think about the good--not as a way to ignore the bad but as a way to enter into Sabbath rest at peace. for far too long, Sabbath has become a chore. it's rushed. it begins right after my internal whine session that typically begins with, "i should have been able to...but i didn't and that's going to force me to....and...and..."

a load of regret & frustration smacks up against what should be 24 hours of aaaaaahhhhhhhhh. so now i write the good and i sometimes sit for a while until a truly good memory, void of disclaimers & regret, makes it to my consciousness and onto the page. (fyi, i use Moleskine notebooks. good products elicit better prose. the only reason why i'm typing it here today is b/c my notebook is in my car which is outside and up a flight of stairs. i'm lazy.)

so now that you know part of my "remedy" history, here's to some reflections from the week gone by.

though i know i shouldn't be so focused on production i am quite thrilled by the knowledge that i've accomplished much this week. yes, Evernote would beg to differ. BUT i'm content. truly. each box may not be checked but what's done is done and what's done is enough. it's 1:22pm and i'm not anxious, not flustered, not steaming with regret. the week has been full and good.

i've made progress in work stuff. i've also remembered how the student part of my job (as opposed to the administrative-paperwork part) is wonderfully dynamic and meaningful. as the house gradually quieted down this week after student departures, i suddenly felt more mentally/emotionally available for conversation, for connection and i'd love to discover a way to make 2012 less paper/laptop focused and more student focused.

another plus of the week occurred yesterday when a roofer gave his estimate and i was able to look at the estimate and confidently ask questions, questions that i never would have even thought of just a few months ago. this job is teaching me so much about buildings and even though it sometimes stresses me out, yesterday reminded me that i'm learning...and that's good stuff. one day you'll call me Mrs. Pastor, General Contractor Jeffery. watch out world!

wednesday brought sad news--the death of another dean at my former school (that's 2 in 2 months, both unexpected). i know, not a positive thought, but one i share b/c it forced me to be honest about death. yes, i have positive memories to look back on and the confidence that she died in Christ. and yet...death frustrates the mess out of me. and being able to admit that versus attempting to come up with a nicely packaged answer is a plus. sometimes things don't make sense and sometimes it's okay to stop there.

last thing. i said goodbye to one of my student-residents today. she's all graduated so she packed up her stuff and moved out. we've been gym buddies and this past semester yielded our most stellar gym attendance to date! we're quite proud of ourselves : ) i'll miss her. this is the part of student life that's bitter-sweat...they don't stay forever (which is good--clearly, they need to move on). and it's been good having her here. cheers to the interweb!

and on that note, i'm off. i don't generally proofread my notebook so you're stuck with imperfect prose. *sigh* & Merry Christmas.

the good stuff

i'm trying to spend more time focussing on the the good stuff of ministry, the stuff that creates smiles, positive vibes, amens, hallelujahs...that sort of stuff (as opposed to the other stuff that's so much easier to focus on.) and this good stuff isn't about fantastic programming; it's about God showing me His love and care as i try to be a healthier minister and administrator.

i was away last week. after saying farewell to a great friend (funeral) and then ministering to a women's residence hall through nightly talks, i wasn't sure how well i'd fare coming back go the reality of work and campus life.

once monday was over, i experienced a great sigh of relief. i'd made it through day 1 of 5 and it was actually a really good day. miracle of miracles! and now, as day 5 trucks on, i'm also counting the blessings of great conversations, great spiritual awakenings, and the confirmation that i am where i should be: God's will.

so even though i'm really happy for some sabbath rest, i'm not racing toward it anxiously. another good week. another reflection on how God makes things beautiful in His time.

these are uncharted waters...

a love that compels

all the frustrations I've ever faced don't seem to compare to the emotional pain I'm currently in as I think about my friend, now dead, and the hundreds of women she ministered to in the dorm that I must now face for the next five days. sadly, I know what it's like to have death hit close to home and be the one in charge of keeping things moving (or at least trying). this time is different. I'm not in charge of the ministry but I'm in charge of sumbitting to the Spirit so deeply that what I say and do will bless these women...both students and staff. I'm not on my home turf and yet I feel at home with friends and former colleagues...I know I'll be alright.

you never dream of these moments. you don't wonder what it'd be like to step into a grieving space while grieving yourself and have to speak life. but by the power of God I will, each night, starting tonight.

I must.

uncharted waters...

the ideal persona

i sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be bubbly/sanguine...and how that would manifest in my work.

but i'm not bubbly/sanguine so spending time in wonderland is of no use. i'm mellow/melancholy. i think deeply and critically and i don't always have a smile (and smiling, unfortunately, is how some ppl indicate happiness/approachability. the bubbly/sanguine smile and are, therefore, considered happy.)

so knowing what i am and what i'm not, i take what i am and (without making too many excuses to the tune of "i can't change/that's just how i am/this is my personality/wah wah wah") minister to the needs of students as best i know how, constantly growing, forever improving, eternally challenged by what is perceived i should be.

what adds to the challenge is the non-student side of my work, the stuff that doesn't impact them immediately or directly yet matters to the life of the ministry. balance? nope. there's no such thing. just the daily, "God, what would you have me do?" and doing it come what may.

oh yeah. uncharted waters. 

together

sometimes my students confirm my struggles, not because they're causing them but because they're experiencing them, too. more often than not, it's unexpected. our age, experience, cultural norms, and basic preferences are typically different. so i'm surprised to recognize their pain, their anxiety, their frustration...as my own. and no, this isn't the pain, anxiety and frustration of my 1999-2000 senior year in college. it's the stuff of today as i'm two years into a career and they're in the last couple years of university life.

i'm thankful for these times. i don't have to wish that i could remember what it was like to be in their shoes 10+ years ago. our shoes differ but they hit the same pavement. we can grow together...

these are uncharted waters.

Celebrate

I'm supposed to take some time each Friday and celebrate my accomplishments, or should I say, the things that I've seen happen that I'm glad have happened this week.


So here goes:


I should first say that this is a hard exercise when I have a huge list I want to get through by 3pm...So maybe I should reschedule this exercise for 2pm.


Okay. Done

reflections

[everything in brackets can be skipped over for a more fluid reading experience.]

it started out as a grand idea: I'll go to a retreat center for 24 hours!

it became a simple and beautiful reality after not making the time to reserve a spot at a retreat center and achieving desperation the night before my scheduled retreat day. i hopefully facebooked a few fellow campus minister friends and went to bed confident that somehow God would help me figure it all out in the morning. 

[don't be like me; plan ahead!]

thursday dawned and with it came facebook replies with several suggestions, one of which was Remedy, a coffee shop in downtown Knoxville. you may be thinking, "A retreat at a coffee shop? How's that possible?" well, it's certainly not for everyone but coffee shops have, for many years, been the space in which i'm able to calm down and focus. i don't drink coffee for various reasons including the fact that it always gives me a stomach ache but i do drink tea and Remedy is the sort of coffee shop you can hang out in for hours on end and not feel the pressure (of chain coffee shops) to continue buying drink after drink, scone after scone. and Remedy isn't (or at least wasn't that day) bustling with people at all times or filled with obnoxious music. it was an ideal space for an idealist-creative with Moleskine notebooks and a fluid blue-inked pen in hand.

[i may go to Whitestone next time. you can walk around their property and use the common spaces for free. just have to call ahead to make sure nothing major is going on and prepare to drive 2 hours round trip. another reason why Remedy was such a great option: short commute. i don't believe in always traveling far for quality time.]

the thought of leaving my laptop behind was both charming and slightly disarming. what if....??? so i left it in my trunk versus my house. if i REALLY needed to write an epic email, i'd have to walk to the parking lot and the thought of that wasn't attractive so there it stayed. 

[i actually forgot it was there until i got to work this morning, pulled out all my regular bags and thought, "oh no, i left my comp at home!" relief was sweet when i remembered the trunk.]

the original retreat game plan was to review my 6-month goals. several months ago i began a coaching process where i first discovered my core values and then created 3-5 year goals and then 6-month goals. retreat day seemed ideal for 6-month reflection and revision. unfortunately, i forgot to pack the printout. frustration kicked in pretty quickly as i sat in a comfy leather chair, facing away from the window so as to minimize distractions. i'm the person who, once i've said i'm going to do something, gets frustrated when i realize it's not gonna happen. and it's not because the task is necessarily so incredible but because i like to stick to my word, even to myself. 

thankfully the very idea of a retreat had me in a better mental/emotional space, one that was much more conducive to flexibility. so i was able to quickly stop the whining and ask God, "what now?" going back home to get the goal sheet wasn't an option. 

[and it didn't even dawn on me till this very moment that i could have gone to my car, retrieved my laptop and pulled up the file. that cluelessness is so exciting to me now because i know that once i opened up that laptop, the ability to truly focus would have been torturous. and i probably wouldn't be writing this reflection with the same excitement.]

God helped me figure out plan b: core values. i'd searched my phone, hoping that i'd emailed the 6-month file to my coach and could retrieve it that way. in my search i came across my core values list. since they weren't what i wanted, it took me a minute to finally realized that they were worth my time. 

hours later my right hand began to cramp and the right side of my pinky finger, just above the top joint, was sore from the pressure of hand placement while writing. i wrote about each core value in a wonderfully systematic way. i enjoy systems, smooth flowing systems. note taking on my laptop became so freeing while i was a student because i could easily adjust text to create a smooth flowing system. thankfully, i immediately figured out a system in my notebook--no major crossing out required. just writing. first my gut reaction to the core value and then an indented section of deeper exploration. the values are grouped in sets of three so after each set, i took up some space reflecting on all three and deciding why they were worth keeping or tossing.

when the cramps began, i put down the pen and picked up a book i'd found on the coffee shop shelves. Leadership Is An Art by Max DePree. Remedy has a book system whereby you can freely take a book for keeps as long as you replace it with one you've brought. i had nothing to leave so i returned the book before departure but not before one section prompted the premature use of my hand...it was just so good not to write down.

"In a day when so much energy seems to be spent on maintenance and marvels, on bureaucracy and meaningless quantification, to be a leader is to enjoy the special privileges of complexity, of ambiguity, of diversity. But to be a leader means, especially, having the opportunity to make a meaningful difference in the lives of those who permit leaders to lead." pg 22

and i typically do enjoy the complexity, the ambiguity, the diversity while figuring out the maintenance, quantification, and such. but making a meaningful difference is not something that can be systematized or quantified and it's not always comfortable enough to be enjoyed. yet i've been given permission to lead.

my retreat day was spent figuring out how my core values impact my ability to lead, impact the opportunity i'm given and energy i commit to making a meaningful difference in the lives of those who've permitted me to lead. i left Remedy with more realistic expectations for how i lead and also for how i simply live because my core values aren't just about work, aren't just about leadership. they're also about family, friendships, creativity and a desire to be God's disciple--first. 

[i won't share any more specifics about my core values but if you're interested in discovering your own, let me know and i can put a great resource in your inbox. the last thing i want is to reveal so much about my own journey that it seems prescriptive. i also don't want to talk through stuff that could be easily misconstrued and used against me. :) you may start your exploration with core values or with something else just as you may retreat in a local coffee shop or on a mountain. may all these words above simply inspire you to carve out some time to seek God. remember, there's no such thing as "no time"--we always find time for what we really want...]

we'll see...

I want to take time to hash out quality thoughts on the following related to my work...

• Personalities
• How they intersect with yours (teach you about yourself)
• How they clash with each other
• How they each want a piece of the space, of you
• How it's hard not become a personality-based space
• God
• How he should be the focus
• How we each see him differently
• How someone's bound to be wrong
• Leadership
• How I should have been forced to work in a church while in seminary
• How podcasts/audio books have become my guide
• How philosophy and action aren't always married
• How reading servant leadership books isn't sufficient to teach true servanthood
• Friendship
• How it's hard to cultivate 
• How it's air
• How it can't be (for the most part) with those you serve
• Creativity
• How you need the fuel
• How it's extremely hard to make quality time for
• 
  

E

i can't sleep. it's a reoccurring problem of the last few months. i'll wake to appease my bladder then return to bed wide-eyed. and it's not that i actually feel wide-eyed but that's how my body acts as my mind awakens to the many things i should have said or need to say, should have done or need to do--all work related. tonight, i tried counting backwards. i kept getting stuck at the transition point: 91, 81, 71. can't recall how many times i had to start over as another conversation i need to have crossed my brain. the amount of concentration required to get to the next set of 10s was incredible.

it's going on 2 hours since i was truly asleep and i can't help but think that this habit keeps killing any joy i have left. work is hard enough on a full tank.

...uncharted waters.

"get over yourself"...and other words of affirmation

affirmation = the assertion that something exists or is true.
and on that note, here we go...

Today began with the question, "Why?" How about that for one's first conscious thought? Encouraging. A great preview to the day. And somehow I managed to get up, talk to God for a while, then head to the gym.

Yet after a 10am meeting, I knew something had to give. The lady I met with is my fundraising coach and I probably said far too much to her, too much about nothing worthwhile. Body language. Snippets of "woe is me." I'm sure she sensed it; she's a mother. That reality woke up a tad bit of embarrassment. How did I let my tongue get so careless? It also woke up to the knowledge that no matter how I felt, I still needed to get stuff done AND the way I felt needed to change.So I raised my desk chair, turned it to face my laptop and miraculously began some self-talk.get over yourself. 

it's not about you. it never has been. it never will be. you're name isn't "God." and the truth isn't meant to be comfy. now get to steppin.

I posted it on FB, as if to dare myself to own it but also to garner some "like"s as moral support. And the steppin began, movement overcame "why?" And at minutes to 3pm, I'm thankful to have accomplished all that I've accomplished in the hours behind me.

Sometimes affirmation isn't about warm fuzzies, pats on the back, and the undivided attention of a friend. Sometimes affirmation is simply the assertion that something exists or is true. Today I had to affirm that I was too focused on me. I had to affirm that my stress levels were due to an unhealthy and unholy assumption that I should be able to "git er done" all by myself right now. And even though I would have denied that at 5:45am with a very definitive response about delegating and timelines, had I truly believed that it wasn't all about me, I wouldn't have asked, "Why?" I would have been content in the midst of multiple projects and a strong desire to become a better me. I would have been content.

Pure Religion

sermon...

Love Wins?

I've listened to the Love Wins audio book and I'll probably listen to it again and again as I sort through questions and get a better sense of what it is I believe the Bible says about heaven & hell. I currently know that I don't believe in the Jesus Rob Bell supports. And as odd as it sounds to say that, it's true. The Jesus of Love Wins, as far as I can tell, is not fully the Jesus of the Bible. Yet I'm not claiming to have all knowledge, hence, this blogging journey.

Please feel free to dialogue with me, respond to my questions. But please, please keep posts brief :)

*****************

So here's my first question...if God's love is strong enough to draw all of us to Him...in time...then what's with the judgement?

Stuff...

This Is the Stuff just popped into my head as I clicked "new post."

Been up since 3 and moved from "I should be able to go back to sleep" to "it ain't happnin" as all the stuff that I have yet to complete at work flooded my brain and then my knee pain kicked in, reminding me that work expectations must shift and I should never have tried to waterski. (I keep thinking my ACLs are shot. Will do a self-diagnosis via webmd later.)

Oh work. You grow up believing that after a load of education you'll get into a job you love and you'll wake up each morning excited to do it. Well when you wake up at 3am and become more stressed out by the minute, you wonder who fed you lies--especially when the 3am stuff has happened before...

From fundraising for renovations to wondering how in the world the ministry house can be all things to all people, I'm already spent and I haven't even checked my to do list. I really want to aspire to live a life of service instead of counting the days until I get to do something that I'm not responsible for. That "r" word is kicking my tail. And I never should have told anyone that I'm a recovering perfectionist coz now I get reminders that they're watching, seeing if I'm really recovering. And in the meantime, I'm struggling to find a great balance, struggling to fulfill all my responsibilities to my job and to myself. 

And in my introspection, I respond with, "Well, you should be seeking God's will and if you do that, everything will line up properly." And then I want to smack myself. Thank you all-knowing introspection. How timely are your words...[insert rolling eyes]

Then again, I'm not praying half as much as I should. The amount of sarcastic thoughts that fly through my brain each day make that quite clear. Unfortunately, I'm not used to praying so much. I don't think I've ever had to.

Increase Responsibility + More Prayer = Uncharted Waters...

Rejection

Here's a terrible "freshman essay" first line for you:

Rejection is something we're all afraid of.

Oh really? You're kidding? Well I'll be!

So seriously, it's true and I admit that it's true for me. I recently had an "ah ha!" moment that wasn't quite as Oprah-exciting as the moment sounds. I was thinking through my relationship with a couple of my students or my lack of relationship (however you may want to term it). I started chaplaining with the realistic expectation that not everything would be a heel clicker, not everyone would fall in love with me or I with them, and I was okay with that in theory. But as the reality has played out I've found myself equating a lack of relationship with a job gone bad. Surely if I were worth my salt, I wouldn't be experiencing negatives. Yeah right. 

And as thought about how things have transpired (or not transpired) I've realized two things: 1. all relationship trouble is two-sided & 2. I don't like to feel rejected.

Yuck. Blegh. #2 sounds gross, like I've got self-esteem issues. Me? No! Never... Well, yeah actually. I do often equate my worth with how others respond to me. I need to stop. And before you offer up random counsel on the matter, be assured that I've gotten much healthier in this respect. These (almost) 2 years have been such a character builder (to say the least!). I'm not as emotionally healthy as I'd like to be and just because I've got a load of awareness doesn't mean I've arrived. 

#1 is easier somehow, allows me to not take responsibility for everything. Yet it also reminds me to take stock of my stuff, my yuck, grow, get better.

Still striving for better. Better = finding my worth ONLY in the One who made me...only. 

**Now I don't often speak in 2nd person on here but I think I have to insert the following in response to the last 2 sentences....**

Feel free to groan at the cliche. And when you're done groaning and wallowing in your self-righteousness, buck up and get better... And that, my friend, is free advice. Take it or leave it but don't complain when getting better starts breaking your bank. 

Don't you just love these uncharted waters?  : )

Being Silent

I like to talk. Even in my introverted desire to be alone, I like to talk. I especially enjoy a healthy round of verbal tenis where you don't necessarily agree with your opponent's strategy or ability but you enjoy the topic and you're both emotionally strong enough to slug it out. Back and forth. Back and forth. Ah. It's great. And then I need some quality down time to recoup from the emotional expense. I close my office doors and sit in silence. It's great.


But it's not great when I'm placed in silence. I prefer the freedom to chose time and space. Today does not afford me that freedom. I'm required to stop talking, stop attempting to process my frustrations away, stop typing all of this out.


Because some things are only resolved in the forced silence.


...these are uncharted waters.

cycles

the world i live in is very cyclical, therefore, for me not to live cyclically is unconsciously frustrating. until now. God answers prayer.

i've been in a bit of a funk, not particularly thrilled by anything except the act of completing something. if i can cross it off, i want to do it. if its endpoint is indefinite, forget it. because i, like my students, want to be done. i want to come to the end of next week and know that exams are fully behind me, all assignments have been turned in, and sooner than later my bags will be packed and i'll be off to somewhere else for the summer. this is their pattern. it's nice.

but it is not naturally my lot. i don't get to cross off another semester and see a grand change in my daily pattern. i get to work, just as i've been doing. but how do i do that when the lives of these around me are changing once again? how do i stay the same and not whine about my state?

i create a cycle for myself, one that isn't affected by the cycles of others (or lack thereof), and one that still achieves all that God desires. what it looks like has yet to be fully determined but will be by the time the day is done.

cycles of frustration...these are uncharted waters...

kindness

leads to repentance...to saying "i'm sorry," returning the favor, extending the welcome. it's so good yet its infrequent use seems to suggest that it's a hidden knowledge. perhaps there's something gnostic about it? (kidding!)

it's probably one of my most frustrating desires. when received, i feel like gold. when desired, i feel like...like something far inferior. and yet i find it hard to give (except on my good days when all the people around me are people i like, people who haven't yet taken the time to annoy.)

kindness.

almost a month ago, i heard someone lecture on it and how Paul counsels Timothy on it. be kind. my board is reading a book that talks about it and now it's essentially stuck in my conscious subconscious, far enough beneath the surface to not be a constant thought yet close enough to the surface to be easily accessible to my rational mind when confronted by the contrary or frustrated by the warm temps that call me outside.

be kind. be kind and be surprised. be encouraged by the gift of positive behavior. be kind and these uncharted waters won't unsettle you so.

Memory

Matthew, I know you can't hear me but I guess part of me still grieves and all of me would love it if you'd walk through the door again. The last time I saw you was almost a year ago now. A Wednesday night. You told me to go home. I said see you tomorrow. Tomorrow came and then came Friday morning. No word.

It took me ages to delete my last txt msg to you. Are you alive, I asked. It was much too late. Then finally the phone rang...

At some point that day I came outside and realized the bush was in full bloom.

It stood amazingly in contrast to the day's events, so full of life. And here it goes again, not yet full. It will be by next week, just in time...

See u soon.

a sensory relief

my tires are old--i must purchase new ones perhaps as soon as today. i can hear them, louder than ever and i can feel them. the signs are so clear that i don't even need to look at them. hearing and feeling are enough to make a costly purchase, an essential change.

the clarity of the life-death of my tires is an almost stark contrast to the questioning i've been doing lately in other areas of my life; the less tangible areas. these are the areas that necessitate divine peace and the memory of times like these when all worked out well in the end.

transformational memory is made by senses, not just basic tidbits. sensory memory is not automatically illogical melodrama. case in point.

John the Baptist experienced a major time of questioning. Jesus, are you who prophecy talks about or some impostor? have i prepared the way in vain? and Jesus replies by recalling the transformational memory created by the senses. what have you seen and heard, he asks? the blind see. the lame walk. the lepers are no longer diseased. the dead are alive. the poor know about the kingdom. this is real. this is beyond tidbit trivia. what you've seen and heard has moved people from who they were to who i've always wanted them to be. what you've seen and heard is true. it points to me and i am He, i am the way, the truth, the life. please, don't give up now!

so here i am, pondering how i spend my days, whether the work i do is enough. and Jesus responds by reminding me of what i've seen and what i've heard--Him. He's alive and working in this space. i've just got to remember to use my senses, transformationally remember.

perhaps John, like i, was expecting more. perhaps he was really asking, is this it? well, i'm discovering that quantity is none of my business...

God-walks; God-wins

my work often has me thinking about self-worth: my own, that of my students, where we find it, how we feed it. and while i know that we should only find & feed it in Christ, i also know that Christ isn't always our first resort. we end up disappointed, frustrated, wondering why ppl affect us the way they do.

on friday i went for a walk and i've decided, since then, to do that much more often--daily would be gold. i had two reasons for walking: 1) renew my campus ID card & 2) talk with God. a student accompanied me for part of the journey and that was really cool...unplanned and cool. we chatted, he gave me clearer directions for getting to the ID card office, we enjoyed the beautiful weather. those few minutes were a great reminder of how free and simple relationships can be. good times. and then it was just me and God.

i've been running through a lot of self-worth questions/complaints lately, none of which are as obvious as "i am so unworthy" but rather of the subtle type, the "why does X frustrate me so much?" or "i should probably do less so that i have more to feel good about." and other times i play so many games of Sudoku on my phone that i know i'm escaping something, something i should be confronting. but i'd rather increase the winning moments in my life...

the passive agressive stance. not attractive. not productive. not love. God is love. He reminded me of that as we walked. it made my day. no, nothing audible yet very real. faith-real. so if you don't believe it, i've got nothin for ya. except that i've been reminded to take God at His word. He says to seek Him with all my heart so i did. i walked and i poured out and i listened. and in the quiet of the moment, He spoke.

I love you. and in those words i heard, "I've got this." i finally relaxed. it has been a while since i've relaxed. my left shoulder takes a hit every time i take on stress. the last time i visited my masseuse, she let me know that i wasn't so tense the last time. what a joy to hear... she'd love to know that saturday morning i woke up pain free.

seek Me. we don't always get a clear revelation of God's Word in our lives, not because He hasn't worked on our behalf but because we haven't gone for a walk. we're missing out on so much more than stress-free shoulders.

i want more God-wins because these are uncharted waters.

it's all coming together

i'm hitting pause on the final details check. (this weekend is our annual CONNECT Conference.) you'd think i'd be frantic. i thought i'd be frantic but instead i'm shouting "yay God!" it's an internal shout...i'm typically only loud during competition or "no he didn't" sorts of conversations. it's also an internal shout because i'm tired, physically exhausted, and wondering how in the world i'm going to make it through the week without getting sick. minor details.


i'm hitting pause so that i can write all this down and hopefully increase my chances of remembering it. because today will come again: the day before the big day, the day before the major decision, the day before the day when all ideas become realities (or get tossed out due to delays, forgetfulness, train wrecks and/or Holy Spirit movements). i must remember this. the mental peace.
it's actually one of my chore values so whenever i experience it, i try to celebrate it and whenever i've gone a long time without it, i begin to withdraw. and the best sort of peace seems to be this sort, where statistically speaking, it just shouldn't be. but it is. hence my praise. 


God is awesome. 


i used to think that i didn't like details, just big-picture dreaming. even yesterday, i had that conversation with someone, made that declaration. but just a few minutes ago, i changed my tune. i do like details. what i don't like is not having enough time to move through them slowly and perfectly. (recovering perfectionist alert!) so here i am, the day before CONNECT begins, sitting at my desk and typing up a final run sheet. i'm enjoying the movements from line to line through what's becoming an extensive/seemingly obsessive excel file. i'm excited about the possibility that others who read the sheet will also like details and soak them up. and then i'm sort of saddened by the reality that some won't really read it...and they'll ask questions that the sheet answers. but that's minor.


the best part is this: God keeps showing me daily that when things are done by His leading & for His glory, they work out no matter how complex and time consuming they may be. whatever i need to remember, He brings to mind (His part). i jot it down and do it (my part). and i have a feeling that by the end of today, all lose ends will be tied. but if not, all will still be well. it will all come together. the details remind me that God is with me, working it all out. 


this is life. this is ministry. these are uncharted waters. 

commitment

a fellow campus chaplain and i were talking earlier today about how hard it is to get our students to commit to things (especially far in advance).* it's another challenge to add to the "what in the world" list. no worries, there is no actual list that we avidly monitor. the mere thought of starting such a list just adds stress to my brain. it's just that we want our students to happily jump on board and stay on board without first knowing that 5 of their friends are jumping, too. we also want them to stay on board whether or not their 5 friends stay. it may come as a surprise that so many of my conversations with campus chaplains revolve around student commitment.

and as i've made a practice of lately, whenever something i see in someone else begins to bother me, i ask myself when last i did that very same thing. so self, when were you last weary of commitment? when did you last make sure that your friends were on board before saying yes to something? huh, self? when? don't act like you're immune from such behavior, you goodie-two-shoes!

okay. pep talk. check. memory of noncommittal moment. well...see i have a full time job, i'm married, and i'm trying to live well. it's pretty much in my best interest to say no to things. not committing = time to breathe. and maybe that's how my students feel. after all, research shows that college students today are much busier than generations before.

or at least i think i've heard that. there's so much info being tossed around, stats here there and everywhere. perhaps my generation grew up so ridiculously independent; we're the latch-keys. no wonder we don't understand those who've grown up with parents, the connotations of which are plenty (on both sides of that sentence)...

i guess the plus side is that i'm not alone? oh, these uncharted waters...


*students, we love you...we just don't understand you and it's hard for us to think that perhaps we were once reluctant committers, too. in fact, we don't think we were. be patient with us, pls!

unexpected love

so i bought some roses this morning, a last-minute decision, and encouraged students to hand them out on this love-celebration-day. by 5pm, there were still many roses left so i took some and decided to hand them out randomly to women on campus. it was priceless.

encounter 1 (sitting on a bench)
would you like a rose? 
oh, thank you!


encounter 2 (sidewalk pedestrian)
would you like a rose?
yes please! (how cute)


encounter 3 & 4 (sidewalk pedestrians)
would you like a rose?
3 said: oh yes!
4 said: are they free? (a funny yet sad commentary on our culture)


encounter 5 (desk worker)
happy valentines day! (didn't give her a choice; placed it on the counter and walked away...hehe)
thank you!

encounter 6 (cleaning lady)
happy valentines day! (didn't give her a choice either; just gave it to her--she deserves it most!)
oh thank you, baby. (favorite!)


and the moral of the story = people need more unexpected love...do this more often!

how new phones help you grieve

i'm not unique and i'm not exactly jumping over the moon. yay. 3 cheers. i have an iphone. and upon receipt of my latest gadget/upgrade, i proceeded to complete what i should have completed weeks ago...transfer all my contacts to my laptop. i didn't upgrade from one smart phone to another but from a rather dull (yet trusty) phone to a smart one. the dull phone had no simple way of exporting contacts to my laptop. thankfully the process wasn't 1/2 as tedious as i thought i'd be. a quick cut and paste to excel from my online list and a .csv file-save made the switch pretty painless. except for two moments...when i deleted two names from my list. and not because i don't like them (i actually loved them both). i deleted them because both men are dead.

one has been dead a year and a half already. the second is just going on ten months. and every time i've scrolled passed their names on route to another, i've asked, "what are you holding on to?"

right after each one died, the mere thought of deleting their names felt disrespectful. never before has a cell phone contact died, you know what i mean? i don't even know what pre cell phone equivalent to compare that with. when Joshua died, i wanted to make sure i didn't somehow forget him. i also have his parent's number. i called them to verify the facebook post...that's how we find out about death these days.

and then there's Matthew. (sidenote: i'm not trying to be formal; i don't typically shorten ppl's names.) it took me a long time to even delete the last text message i'd sent him. "are you alive?" no reply. hours later i heard the news. car crash. i hold on to stupid reminders of him. a cup of coins and receipts he left. a little plastic bottle from a tribute at his funeral.

pressing delete was letting go, living in the reality that they're not coming back, that there are other ways to remember.

my Aunt G died the day before Matthew. she was 90-something. her husband's still alive. i still have him listed in my phone as "the Gordons." i didn't know how to edit that today. all i could think of was, "i don't want to take off the s."

these are uncharted waters.

a sanctuary poem

[set to Tenebrae: Second Movement performed by Kronos Quartet]

Reminder number one:
walk slowly. Steps matter
Smoke rises to greet the sky
afraid. Is it enough?

I sat on the floor today
Carpet circa 1995
Tough grey-brown, bland #11
Comfortless reliability stretched for meters around my exhausted frame
Lean brown-skinned girl, twisted locks set ponytail-like
Legs crossed. Elbows propping head in hands

What now?
Two words linger in the mulberry scented apartment air of unanswered questions
While the winter wind carries the tear-filled scream of an
ill-mannered child through my non-storm windows
Shut up dad!
Children these days. When did they get so…so…

Reminder number two:
quiet. This, a holy
sacrificial moment...
wait. Come one at a time.

The last yellow-orange teardrop quickly dies
Another offering accepted, grey haze hovering lightly above what once had
Breath in
Breath out
Now in sacred posture, hushed tones.

I’ve grown accustomed to this rhythm
Become familiar with this daily walk through what’s gone wrong
Never perfect except when perfectly not what He asked for…
again
A clear picture of blood disconnected from Life

Reminder number three:
apologize. Honest workers needed
apologize for unplugging yourself
for not dwelling in the present

I said sorry
Did He hear me?
I know…bible + prayer = growth
a kindergarten special that I stopped singing when I outgrew action songs
long legged stretch marks begat skepticism and skepticism begat an unconscious desire to shrink

but I’m different now
And I said I’m sorry
Did He hear me?
No thunder
No feeling
Everything sits still
Even time

Did he hear my confession?
The words “I don’t want to live like this anymore”
The prayer “Help me!”
I call but hear no response

Reminder number four:
no veil. no distance.
approach boldly…because you can.

I said, did You hear me?
Did you take my apology seriously, noting the head bowed and eyes closed, knees connecting with ground for what seemed like hours?
Did you feel my sincerity even though we’ve been through this before—me the altar call addict, You the Ever Patient?
Do you (really) accept me as I am, too broken to ever be
whole, too selfish to ever bring a complete sacrifice?

Reminder number five:
Assurance
You take this lifeless form
Breathe in
Breathe out
daily praying, interceding
Father forgive her…she just doesn’t know…yet

Then you press rewind
head back
daily revealing
Angels see…my grace has been sufficient

Reminder number six:
Great is Your faithfulness
God, You’re my Father
Mine

You’ve done all you can so that I’ll talk with You
and walk with You
so that I’ll never think to stop
Eden will be home forever

You’re always reminding me to listen, to really hear You
not just throw words at You
expecting white rabbits and plastic roses in return
imitators have been banished

Reminder number seven:
No need to be afraid
It is finished
I can be saved if I choose…
If I choose to stay your child
If I choose to worship
If I choose to believe

it’s 4% intellectual ascent. 104% faith…or thereabouts…so it seems
Just to believe that you want me, here, now
Dark glass and all
Cross-burnt hatred and all
Simmering rage and all
Perfection is a lost coin
I’ve just commenced the search

Meanwhile You’ve found me
Dusty at best
And You want to keep me
and I think You’re crazy
but if crazy saves
If crazy saves
I’ll take it…

stuff i forget to write about

i read a utmost devotional that messed my head up in a really great way the other day. i was particular struck by the words "Until others learn to draw on the life of the Lord Jesus directly, they will have to draw on His life through you. You must literally be their source of supply, until they learn to take their nourishment from God." and somehow it calmed me down, put things into better perspective, and freed me...to minister. 

***

i don't often know how to stop. it reminds me of a conversation i had a couple years ago with my Uncle G. i asked him (at 80-something) when he was going to slow down. he's still pastoring a local church. he said, "slow down? i've stopped." but he hadn't. i saw him again about a year later and he was sick, in hospital, and when my family went to visit his elders had just left. they'd had a meeting. "stopped" my foot! 

and now i see how it's possible to get to 80-something and not stop. after all, God's got work for me to do. right? well yes. sometimes. and at other times God's got rest for me to receive unless there's a crisis. and truly, those are few.

trouble is that when i do stop, i veg. instead of basking in the beauty of, um, i can't even remember what they're called. honestly, i'm experiencing memory loss. what do you call those things you do in your spare time? all that's coming to mind is chores, but i know that's far from what i mean. you know, the fun stuff. Dear Lord, what's my life coming to! (i'm not even making this up folks. there's a word. what is it??)

[close eyes. think.]

HOBBIES! thank you! 

okay, so instead of enjoying hobbies, i veg. i play sudoku or aimlessly surf facebook which is somehow vastly more fascinating than the entier world wide web within which it lies.  i wish i knew how to switch gears better. i should have been writing over an hour ago.

***

listening to one of my favorite songs--"tenebrae: 2nd movement" by the kronos quartet. it reminds me of a poem i wrote in seminary about the sanctuary. it gives me such peace, the song-poem combo. i should read it again.

what am i doing here?

sometimes i doubt that i'm doing my job well. the skeptics, the know-it-alls, the stakeholders, their opinions and my own insecurities clutter my mind and i end up overwhelmed. frozen. unable to move on to the next best thing, i find myself in a familiar posture--sitting at my desk, head in hands, eyes leaking. but that's only after i've finally decided that aimlessly browsing facebook is not a healthy coping skill. i hate feeling so weak. and yes, even in 2011, i equate tears with weakness, with the inability to handle unknowns. and every time i cry, i mentally beat myself up a little. helpless.

that was me the other day, in my office of all places. and in walked a student.

great. i hoped she'd think i was deep in prayer and swiftly leave. but she didn't. she stood beside me until i lifted up my head. then she bent down, hugged me, said, "i love you michaela," then asked what was wrong to which i explained that all i want to do is help them know God, know that He loves them and surrender to His love and that sometimes it's really hard to believe that's happening...

i'm surprised at how passionately i spoke yet i'm so glad that the passion is real and that i had no desire to hold back. i could have given in to my pride. it would have been far more "appropriate" to be stoic and lie. "my allergies are bad today..." after all, who in her right mind confesses weakness to the person she's supposed to serve?

God's grown me, to say the least. so i shared my heart and my student shared hers, the struggles she has to take the leap of faith she knows she should take... we talked and talked and the "what am i doing here?" moment that i'd previously experienced turned into "this is what it's all about--thank You God!"

we didn't solve all her problems. she didn't cry out, "baptize me now!" and that's absolutely fine. and it's not as if that's what i've been expecting to happen as i chaplain but it's indicative of the clearer journey i often wish i could experience, the grand ideal where everything falls into place immediately, all the time and the outward manifestations of spiritual growth that are undeniably clear. it would be nice. it would also be the biggest ego trip of my life. and somehow, even though it hurts, i think i'd rather experience more "what am i doing here?" moments...they always lead to a divine appointment. nothing else quite compares to when God shows up.

these are uncharted waters...

sleepless nights

it's not the first time i've been unable to remain in that free state called sleep, the minutes and hours of peace that i often crave. no one gets on your real nerves when you're sleeping. no one rudely interrupts your true concentration when you're sleeping. you can change the way your dream is going, try out a new ending or two. and the best thing about sleep is that i rest.

except for the times i don't. like sunday night. like last night. or perhaps i should say monday morning and this morning when i woke around 3 something and just couldn't return to rest. on monday my mind came alive in the most ridiculous way ever. it was as if my brain had 3 switches: off, on and torpedo power. and the frustration i felt when unable to return to rest was so great, as if switch #3 had been flipped by some vindictive force.

i was upset.

but unlike monday, i've chosen to stay awake. unlike monday, i haven't remained in bed hoping to flip switch #1 and eventually succeeding. instead, i've set my laptop on the kitchen counter and have begun exploring the torpedo powered thoughts via google searches, a friends link recommendation and the seemingly rabid prayers from my heart to God's throne.


please hear me. please help me. please remind me of what matters most. 


i believe it's You. i believe You're found in Your word. i believe Your word is confirmed in my life as i live according to Your word. i believe You'll never leave or forsake me even when i'm clearly confused. i believe You're coming again and that i should be ready. i desperately need You to remind me that i'm where You need me to be. 


i desperately need You to


calm


the storms that rage, the pride, the self-righteousness, the knowledge snobbery, the downward turn on my nose to those i find a little over the top, off their rocker, so not like You (at least, not to me...)


i'm learning to stand by God's word and His word only. i'm learning to trust that He's completing the good work He began in me, in you. i'm learning to not get upset over my slow processing brain that doesn't learn well from rapid-fire lectures. i'm learning to be content in all things that don't conflict with the love of God that we find in Christ Jesus. i'm learning.

just wish i'd only learn in daylight...after a long, peaceful sleep. but i love the quiet of early morning. and i find my rest in the unfailing, night-or-day, peace of God.

i am a chaplain

honestly, this just dawned on me the other day when i thought of what to name the url. combining my occupation with my initials seemed a revolutionary thought. chaplain? me? what?!

yet i prefer it to pastor. sorry. even minister is better than pastor. but let me not get too deep into crazy talk. that's another blog for another vulnerable day.

i am a chaplain and (clearly) i'm still getting used to the idea. i don't have a lot of preconceived notions of what it means. i do believe that it includes a large amount of care giving and outside of hospitals/hospice/prison/and-other-institutional-spaces it's often hard for me to envision exactly what that care should look like. as an introvert, i've been known to respond negatively to the idea of giving care because it means i won't have as much time to spend alone and in my head. rather, i'll be with people, asking them about themselves, reading into what's really wrong and returning home absolutely void of energy.

this journey asks me to adjust without complaint, find joy instead of sulk. and i have. it has been hard but i have adjusted and i have found joy. and though the knowledge that i've still got a looooong way to go could be daunting, i find it a welcomed challenge...at least for now.

bring it on.

i 
am 
a chaplain!

hehe. oh and did i mention that i'm Adventist and working with students on public university and college campuses? did i mention that i'm one of few Adventist chaplains in this arena? did i mention that it's all still very new almost a year and a half in?

yeah. uncharted waters.

miracles

i often wake up in the morning, so unsure of how the day will flow. it's not that i have nothing to do. oh no. i never have nothing to do. it's that i'm unsure where to start.

back in 2001, somewhere in the fall, i and many other a young woman attended a day-long women's retreat put on by our local Campus Crusade folks. our leader was a tall brunette. short cut. very chic all the way around. and she loved us even if she'd just met us. i could tell. she poured into us truths about God and the life He desired us to live. (and i respect those truths which is why i feel loved when i receive them.) and as she shared that it's often hard to know the will of God, the 1 thing i'll always remember from that Saturday was the thought, "do the next best thing--sometimes that's simply brushing your teeth."

and so, that night the Christian Single Female was birthed as i did the next best thing i knew and poured as much truth as i could find into the lives of the Christian single females i called friends. and every month or so another edition of my newsletter would leave my floppy disk, enter their inbox and hopefully transform their lives at least a little.

today wasn't quite that groundbreaking even though i do consider it a miracle that i've now completed hours of meaningful time by simply doing the next best thing. victory! i'm celebrating God right now, celebrating His tireless efforts to keep me close to Him, in His will, His way. i'm celebrating God b/c He keeps on performing miracles and today is one such miracle for me.

this is the life--allowing God to take you through uncharted waters.

lessons learned

• live honestly always so that when necessary the truth can vindicate you
• whenever someone does something that hurts you, think about whether or not you've ever done the same
• ask the Holy Spirit to guide your day and even the next 2 seconds (when something foolish is about to explode from your lips)
• live according to your core values (otherwise you'll be too quickly swayed by the suggestions/demands of others)
• 
  

Barnabas & Timothy

Barnabas
We find details about Barnabas' background spread throughout the book of Acts and Paul's epistles. Luke tells us that Barnabas was a Levite whose family came from the island of Cyprus where some of the Jews of the Diaspora had settled. He was a cousin of Mark, the writer of the gospel by that name (Colossians 4:10). His Hebrew name was Joseph (or Joses), but he was better known as Barnabas. Joseph means "may God increase"; Joses, "He that pardons"; and Barnabas, "son of encouragement." All three names contain wonderful attributes of God. Since the apostles called him "son of encouragement," this may have been Barnabas' most important characteristic.


Barnabas is first mentioned as a landowner who sold some land and generously donated all the proceeds to the apostles in Jerusalem (Acts 4:36-37). A few years later, God appointed him as an apostle with Paul to the Gentiles (Acts 13:2-3; 14:14). He spent many years preaching the gospel in lands far distant from both Jerusalem and Cyprus.


Tradition says that Barnabas was one of the seventy whom Jesus Christ sent out in pairs "as lambs among wolves" into every city (Luke 10:1-12). They were to carry no money, baggage, or sandals, nor were they to greet anyone along the road. Jesus told them that they were on a special mission of peace only to those God was calling. He sent them to preach the gospel to those whom He defined specifically as "son[s] of peace"—the called of God.


Barnabas was not afraid to stand by God's messengers in a time of tumult. He was the first person of influence and responsibility to extend his personal warmth and home to Saul of Tarsus, when all Jerusalem was still casting stones at him (Acts 9:26-31). The disciples in Jerusalem, who knew Saul only as a fierce persecutor and murderer of the saints, were afraid of him. They could hardly believe that the feared inquisitor had been converted. Although the rest shrank from Saul in fear and suspicion, Barnabas came forward and showed great kindness toward him.


He introduced Saul to the apostles (verse 27), so that he could tell them the story of his miraculous conversion and how he had preached with power at Damascus. In subsequent times, as Paul came into greater prominence, Barnabas quietly fell back into a supporting role.
Barnabas and Paul had their moments of disagreement, however. A serious conflict arose between them over John Mark, Barnabas' cousin. In Acts 15:36-41, Paul was still upset over Mark's decision in Pamphylia to leave them and their work, and this led to a definite breach between them. Sharp contention caused Barnabas and Paul to head their separate ways—Barnabas with Mark to Cyprus and Paul with Silas to Syria and Cilicia. This breach between them apparently lasted for quite some time.


In Antioch, Paul considered certain converted Jews, including the apostle Peter, to be hypocrites regarding eating with the Gentiles (Galatians 2:11-13). In verse 13, Paul writes, "Even Barnabas was carried away with their hypocrisy." The wording indicates that Barnabas' actions surprised Paul. Obviously, this was uncharacteristic of Barnabas, and it miffed Paul. It does seem odd that Barnabas would not fear harboring Saul of Tarsus in his home, protecting him from vigilantes, but was afraid to stand up to Jewish Christians regarding eating with Gentile Christians. This just shows that all Christians occasionally give in to the prejudices of our backgrounds, and we spend much of our lives trying to overcome them.


Although Barnabas and Paul had their differences, they were not irreconcilable. Paul last refers to Barnabas a few years later regarding the church's support of them (I Corinthians 9:6). By this time, it seems Paul and Barnabas had reconciled and were working together again. We would expect nothing less from two converted individuals.


Scripture paints a picture of Barnabas as a kind, forgiving, encouraging, and compassionate man. Luke sums up his character in Acts 11:24, "He was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and of faith." Luke then follows this ringing endorsement with a meaningful postscript: Wherever he went, "a great many people were added to the Lord." Despite Barnabas' faults, no more or less than any of ours, he received a wonderful, God-inspired commendation as a permanent example of a true witness for God. How encouraging for us!


Barnabas sacrificed himself to be instrumental in God's cultivation of His church. Paul makes specific mention of the fact that Barnabas, who willingly impoverished himself in the interests of the church, labored with his own hands to support himself on his missionary journeys.




Timothy
Timothy himself is an interesting study. Born in Lystra of a Greek father and of a Jewish mother, he was brought up in the Jewish faith and was taught the Scriptures from childhood.


Paul made him an understudy in his second journey (Acts 16:1–3), and Timothy remained with him ever after. He shared in the evangelization of Macedonia and Achaia and aided Paul during the three years of preaching at Ephesus, where he became thoroughly acquainted with the city and with the needs of the local church. He was one of the delegates appointed to Jerusalem (20:4) and probably went with Paul all the way back to that city. He was with Paul in Rome during the first imprisonment, for his name appears in the headings of Colossians (1:1) and of Philemon (1). After the release he traveled with Paul and evidently was left at Ephesus to straighten out the tangle that had developed there, while Paul went on to visit the churches in Macedonia.


At the end of Paul’s life he joined him at Rome (II Tim. 4:11, 21), and himself suffered imprisonment (Heb. 13:23), from which he was later released.
(Merrill C. Tenney, New Testament Survey, p. 334).


After Paul was acquitted by the Emperor and released from his first Roman imprisonment (a.d. 61), he resumed his missionary activities, accompanied by Timothy, Titus, Luke, and possibly some others. Contrary to his earlier thinking, he was able to return to Ephesus; there he left Timothy in charge while he moved on to Macedonia (I Tim. 1:3; cf. Acts 20:25, 37–38).


Paul expected to rejoin Timothy at Ephesus, but he was not sure about the time of his arrival (3:14; 4:13). Thinking that he might be delayed longer than he had expected, Paul thus wrote to Timothy to encourage and to instruct him in his many tasks: ‘But if I tarry long, that thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and ground of the truth’ (3:15). The book therefore was written from Macedonia about a.d. 62, although some have suggested either a.d. 63 or 64.”
(Robert G. Gromacki, New Testament Survey, p. 295).

help

it's a shared prayer. i prayed it this morning, posted in on FB, 4 ppl  "liked it" and i just got off the phone with someone else who needed the same.

help.

_____________

dear Jesus,

pls help us. and when You do, pls assure us that it's You so that there's zero doubt that You're powerful right hand is all over the beautiful end result.

and Jesus...pls remind us to say, "thank you" even before we see the end (coz we know Your right hand is already working for our good...)

thank You.
uncharted waters

we've protected them from Jesus

suppose someone were to compare Jesus to a Snuggy. not cool, huh? well, unfortunately that's how we've portrayed him.

more on that later...