sleepless nights

it's not the first time i've been unable to remain in that free state called sleep, the minutes and hours of peace that i often crave. no one gets on your real nerves when you're sleeping. no one rudely interrupts your true concentration when you're sleeping. you can change the way your dream is going, try out a new ending or two. and the best thing about sleep is that i rest.

except for the times i don't. like sunday night. like last night. or perhaps i should say monday morning and this morning when i woke around 3 something and just couldn't return to rest. on monday my mind came alive in the most ridiculous way ever. it was as if my brain had 3 switches: off, on and torpedo power. and the frustration i felt when unable to return to rest was so great, as if switch #3 had been flipped by some vindictive force.

i was upset.

but unlike monday, i've chosen to stay awake. unlike monday, i haven't remained in bed hoping to flip switch #1 and eventually succeeding. instead, i've set my laptop on the kitchen counter and have begun exploring the torpedo powered thoughts via google searches, a friends link recommendation and the seemingly rabid prayers from my heart to God's throne.


please hear me. please help me. please remind me of what matters most. 


i believe it's You. i believe You're found in Your word. i believe Your word is confirmed in my life as i live according to Your word. i believe You'll never leave or forsake me even when i'm clearly confused. i believe You're coming again and that i should be ready. i desperately need You to remind me that i'm where You need me to be. 


i desperately need You to


calm


the storms that rage, the pride, the self-righteousness, the knowledge snobbery, the downward turn on my nose to those i find a little over the top, off their rocker, so not like You (at least, not to me...)


i'm learning to stand by God's word and His word only. i'm learning to trust that He's completing the good work He began in me, in you. i'm learning to not get upset over my slow processing brain that doesn't learn well from rapid-fire lectures. i'm learning to be content in all things that don't conflict with the love of God that we find in Christ Jesus. i'm learning.

just wish i'd only learn in daylight...after a long, peaceful sleep. but i love the quiet of early morning. and i find my rest in the unfailing, night-or-day, peace of God.