kindness

leads to repentance...to saying "i'm sorry," returning the favor, extending the welcome. it's so good yet its infrequent use seems to suggest that it's a hidden knowledge. perhaps there's something gnostic about it? (kidding!)

it's probably one of my most frustrating desires. when received, i feel like gold. when desired, i feel like...like something far inferior. and yet i find it hard to give (except on my good days when all the people around me are people i like, people who haven't yet taken the time to annoy.)

kindness.

almost a month ago, i heard someone lecture on it and how Paul counsels Timothy on it. be kind. my board is reading a book that talks about it and now it's essentially stuck in my conscious subconscious, far enough beneath the surface to not be a constant thought yet close enough to the surface to be easily accessible to my rational mind when confronted by the contrary or frustrated by the warm temps that call me outside.

be kind. be kind and be surprised. be encouraged by the gift of positive behavior. be kind and these uncharted waters won't unsettle you so.

Memory

Matthew, I know you can't hear me but I guess part of me still grieves and all of me would love it if you'd walk through the door again. The last time I saw you was almost a year ago now. A Wednesday night. You told me to go home. I said see you tomorrow. Tomorrow came and then came Friday morning. No word.

It took me ages to delete my last txt msg to you. Are you alive, I asked. It was much too late. Then finally the phone rang...

At some point that day I came outside and realized the bush was in full bloom.

It stood amazingly in contrast to the day's events, so full of life. And here it goes again, not yet full. It will be by next week, just in time...

See u soon.

a sensory relief

my tires are old--i must purchase new ones perhaps as soon as today. i can hear them, louder than ever and i can feel them. the signs are so clear that i don't even need to look at them. hearing and feeling are enough to make a costly purchase, an essential change.

the clarity of the life-death of my tires is an almost stark contrast to the questioning i've been doing lately in other areas of my life; the less tangible areas. these are the areas that necessitate divine peace and the memory of times like these when all worked out well in the end.

transformational memory is made by senses, not just basic tidbits. sensory memory is not automatically illogical melodrama. case in point.

John the Baptist experienced a major time of questioning. Jesus, are you who prophecy talks about or some impostor? have i prepared the way in vain? and Jesus replies by recalling the transformational memory created by the senses. what have you seen and heard, he asks? the blind see. the lame walk. the lepers are no longer diseased. the dead are alive. the poor know about the kingdom. this is real. this is beyond tidbit trivia. what you've seen and heard has moved people from who they were to who i've always wanted them to be. what you've seen and heard is true. it points to me and i am He, i am the way, the truth, the life. please, don't give up now!

so here i am, pondering how i spend my days, whether the work i do is enough. and Jesus responds by reminding me of what i've seen and what i've heard--Him. He's alive and working in this space. i've just got to remember to use my senses, transformationally remember.

perhaps John, like i, was expecting more. perhaps he was really asking, is this it? well, i'm discovering that quantity is none of my business...