so i just decided, as i watch restaurant makover on HGTV, that when it comes to my post seminary life i've got to think far outside the box coz that's what God's doing...that's what he's been doing all along, creating one of those huge puzzles that you never take apart. you glue, frame, and mount above the big couch.
all i can see right now are puzzle pieces sprawled out on a living room floor. singing. teaching. writing. helping. training. encouraging. supporting. scarf knitting. leaf raking. varnish stripping. couch sitting with friends. creating food. creating cards. playing with paper. playing with design. playing with wood. poetry readings. cafe musings. people watching. flute playing. eating. painting. collaborating. dreaming.
i enjoy it all...and more. i don't do it all well. i want time to do so much better. i want money to afford me the time. i want God to be happy with it all.
a lot of people have been asking me what i'm doing with my seminary degree. (this is why you don't go home for the holidays. ha!) i think from now on i'll just say, something really good and big, and then change the subject--ask them what they think about global warming and healthcare.
all of us who exist in what my Justin refers to as this 20-something fuzz have got to believe that when the fuzz clears we'll be doing something really good and big. and we'll enjoy it. and we'll get frustrated by it. but we'll know its what God wants if we listen.
so i'm listening now for what's beyond. coz it's really good. and big. and it's more than i could ever dream up. and i want it.
Monday, December 31
weddings.beginnings.endings.
they're minutia in the grand scheme of marriage. i attended such minutia today and both my mother and another mother were telling me to elope. however, they quickly added that they didn't really mean it coz they want to experience all the madness.
weddings symbolize the beginning of an end. and end to singlehood, an end to self-centeredness, and end to whatever privacy you thought you had...and other such loveliness. but all these endings begin long before the ceremony, ideally.
and now, as we begin to end 2007, i think of all that ended this year, all that maybe should have ended, all i'm thankful didn't end. and i'm just hoping for another year in which i can find so much to be thankful for.
so much happened this year that i never could have dreamt up, and i'm quite the dreamer...Joseph and i are cousins 3000 times removed. because of all that's happened, i'm a tad bit wiser, a whole lot happier, a bit more cautious, somewhat anxious, periodically really, really confident, and quite content. and i'm not sure how it all works except that i definitely see the need for more faith in order to keep on going.
God has a plan for my life. it's not just preacher talk--it's real stuff, good stuff. and i want to know and live that plan. i've done a fair bit of doubting this year. that's gotta go. coz in the words of the Carpenters that i've taken out of context, we've only just begun to live.
so here i go...
weddings symbolize the beginning of an end. and end to singlehood, an end to self-centeredness, and end to whatever privacy you thought you had...and other such loveliness. but all these endings begin long before the ceremony, ideally.
and now, as we begin to end 2007, i think of all that ended this year, all that maybe should have ended, all i'm thankful didn't end. and i'm just hoping for another year in which i can find so much to be thankful for.
so much happened this year that i never could have dreamt up, and i'm quite the dreamer...Joseph and i are cousins 3000 times removed. because of all that's happened, i'm a tad bit wiser, a whole lot happier, a bit more cautious, somewhat anxious, periodically really, really confident, and quite content. and i'm not sure how it all works except that i definitely see the need for more faith in order to keep on going.
God has a plan for my life. it's not just preacher talk--it's real stuff, good stuff. and i want to know and live that plan. i've done a fair bit of doubting this year. that's gotta go. coz in the words of the Carpenters that i've taken out of context, we've only just begun to live.
so here i go...
Friday, December 28
blessed
it has been a tremendously busy 4 months of school, work, activity...life. i'm entering the new year with lessons learned and battles still to fight and i'm not afraid.
that sounds horribly rehearsed. sorry. i'll do more reading, expand my expression bank. and while i'm at it, i'll also try to figure out the relationship between bible reading and continuous conversion. i know. that seems a bit random. but it's a real query. last week i was without a bible for four days and i actually missed it. i had to simply reflect on what was already in my head but i wasn't satisfied with that. i wanted to actually read the book. the experience made me appreciate all the bibles i own a lot more, helped me recognize my privileged state.
it all began probably 4 or 5 years ago when in my desire to be a salvation conduit i bought a slim black bible that i just knew i'd have the opportunity to give away one day. i always took it to church or had it in my bag just in case some unconverted traveller expressed a need for the Word. i was happy for the change to say, "i've got a bible just for you!" but my intentions were marred with pride, self-righteousness, etc.
no one has ever asked me for a bible until last wednesday, december 19, '07. and even then the request was indirect. it was a dreary day in Belize city. our mission team was tired and frustrated, unable to work outside because of the constant rain. i walked somewhat aimlessly from one tourist store to another, each money trap causing me to wonder how to make the best of this situation. as i passed by one store, two girls stepped out. "Michaela, do you have a bible to give away?" i remembered taking it out of my bag that morning believing that i wouldn't need it. after all, i was part of the "city beautification" team. the chances of me needing to find a verse while we picked up trash was slim. but i'd also been talking to God as i packed my bag. my gut reaction to the girls' request was "no" but that lovely Still Small Voice told me to open my backpack. so i did and there it was, the salvation conduit bible that i thought i'd left behind.
i could have made it a really proud moment for myself and handed it to the lady directly but the same voice that told me to open my bag, assured me that i should stay out of the picture. yes, i bought the bible and yes, it was in my bag. but that's where my "glory" had to end. i gave it to the girls to give to the shop keeper.
so what does this have to do with the relationship between bible reading and continuous conversion? i don't know. i just started typing and all of this came out. so let's see...
devotional time this morning reminded me that conversion is a daily thing. we can't experience one conversion and expect it to last eternally. that's like eating one egg on sunday and believing you have enough protein for the week--we all know that's ridiculous. but it's easy to forget our constant need for conversion. it's coupled with our constant sin issue. with every sin we need forgiveness. with every sin we need conversion. Lord change me.
if i don't read the bible, i tend to forget my need. last night i read psalm 1: 1-2. i was feeling a bit nerdy so i read it in the hebrew-english interlinear my dad has. but i'm not really a nerd so i read mostly the english translation. yet somehow the visual structure helped me pause, really reflect on what i was reading. that's why i only got to verse 2, the part that talks about meditating on God's law day and night. and in that moment i remembered a discussion in pentatuech class this last semester about God's law and the freedom found in it, just like the freedom found in God's judgement. but freedom is only found if we're on the right side. if we're fighting God, there's no freedom. i want freedom but i can't experience it unless my surrender is continuous, unless my conversion is a daily sacrifice.
i just picked up a book called "On Happiness" by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. the english translation tells me that happiness is "subordination of our own life to a life which is greater than ours." unless i'm reflecting on examples of this subordination and God's reaction to it, i'm probably not going to do much growing. i want to be free and happy even if i'll only get them in their truest forms when we get to heaven. they're worth the sacrifice, worth the wait. not many things are worth waiting for.
i think i've written enough for one day. till later...
that sounds horribly rehearsed. sorry. i'll do more reading, expand my expression bank. and while i'm at it, i'll also try to figure out the relationship between bible reading and continuous conversion. i know. that seems a bit random. but it's a real query. last week i was without a bible for four days and i actually missed it. i had to simply reflect on what was already in my head but i wasn't satisfied with that. i wanted to actually read the book. the experience made me appreciate all the bibles i own a lot more, helped me recognize my privileged state.
it all began probably 4 or 5 years ago when in my desire to be a salvation conduit i bought a slim black bible that i just knew i'd have the opportunity to give away one day. i always took it to church or had it in my bag just in case some unconverted traveller expressed a need for the Word. i was happy for the change to say, "i've got a bible just for you!" but my intentions were marred with pride, self-righteousness, etc.
no one has ever asked me for a bible until last wednesday, december 19, '07. and even then the request was indirect. it was a dreary day in Belize city. our mission team was tired and frustrated, unable to work outside because of the constant rain. i walked somewhat aimlessly from one tourist store to another, each money trap causing me to wonder how to make the best of this situation. as i passed by one store, two girls stepped out. "Michaela, do you have a bible to give away?" i remembered taking it out of my bag that morning believing that i wouldn't need it. after all, i was part of the "city beautification" team. the chances of me needing to find a verse while we picked up trash was slim. but i'd also been talking to God as i packed my bag. my gut reaction to the girls' request was "no" but that lovely Still Small Voice told me to open my backpack. so i did and there it was, the salvation conduit bible that i thought i'd left behind.
i could have made it a really proud moment for myself and handed it to the lady directly but the same voice that told me to open my bag, assured me that i should stay out of the picture. yes, i bought the bible and yes, it was in my bag. but that's where my "glory" had to end. i gave it to the girls to give to the shop keeper.
so what does this have to do with the relationship between bible reading and continuous conversion? i don't know. i just started typing and all of this came out. so let's see...
devotional time this morning reminded me that conversion is a daily thing. we can't experience one conversion and expect it to last eternally. that's like eating one egg on sunday and believing you have enough protein for the week--we all know that's ridiculous. but it's easy to forget our constant need for conversion. it's coupled with our constant sin issue. with every sin we need forgiveness. with every sin we need conversion. Lord change me.
if i don't read the bible, i tend to forget my need. last night i read psalm 1: 1-2. i was feeling a bit nerdy so i read it in the hebrew-english interlinear my dad has. but i'm not really a nerd so i read mostly the english translation. yet somehow the visual structure helped me pause, really reflect on what i was reading. that's why i only got to verse 2, the part that talks about meditating on God's law day and night. and in that moment i remembered a discussion in pentatuech class this last semester about God's law and the freedom found in it, just like the freedom found in God's judgement. but freedom is only found if we're on the right side. if we're fighting God, there's no freedom. i want freedom but i can't experience it unless my surrender is continuous, unless my conversion is a daily sacrifice.
i just picked up a book called "On Happiness" by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. the english translation tells me that happiness is "subordination of our own life to a life which is greater than ours." unless i'm reflecting on examples of this subordination and God's reaction to it, i'm probably not going to do much growing. i want to be free and happy even if i'll only get them in their truest forms when we get to heaven. they're worth the sacrifice, worth the wait. not many things are worth waiting for.
i think i've written enough for one day. till later...
Tuesday, December 25
sleep.cwm.thankful
i just want to stay up, do stuff, clean, sort. all of last week was non-stop and now i don't know what to do with my time. it's december 25 now. i should be fast asleep.
the trip was great. i miss the sun. that's really all i have the energy to say right now. there are so many details i could enter!
now i'm sitting on my couch pondering life, thankful for time, thankful for so much that i can't even express.
the trip was great. i miss the sun. that's really all i have the energy to say right now. there are so many details i could enter!
now i'm sitting on my couch pondering life, thankful for time, thankful for so much that i can't even express.
Monday, December 24
gifts
so i'm not the best at buying gifts but this year i thought i did well...until i found out that just a few days ago, while i was away, he bought what i was waiting to put a bow on.
next time we'll have to make lists.
...what's that lyric again? you live, you learn! thanks alanis.
next time we'll have to make lists.
...what's that lyric again? you live, you learn! thanks alanis.
Sunday, December 16
on the water
i'm about to get on a big ship to do mission work...yet...the main thing on my mind right now is all what i'll miss such as the free wireless connection that enables me to see the face of the man who makes me smile for days on end.
yes. it's official. i'm cheesy, mushy, blah blah blah. this is MY blog!
so, anyway, water here i come. please be kind to me. please have affordable wireless. and please have a gym and a low calorie buffet. please have a firm mattress and please don't charge me crazy hidden fees.
thank you.
yes. it's official. i'm cheesy, mushy, blah blah blah. this is MY blog!
so, anyway, water here i come. please be kind to me. please have affordable wireless. and please have a gym and a low calorie buffet. please have a firm mattress and please don't charge me crazy hidden fees.
thank you.
Sunday, December 9
Sunday, November 25
swift change
burnout destroys creativity, faith, and a multitude of other things. the worst is when burnout is caused by all the "good" things like ministry, service, a good work ethic, etc...
goodness in moderation...i have to find a proper balance. i can't return to where i was these last few days.
i'm just thankful for the swift change. today was really good. i can't explain it all--i should really be asleep--i'll just say that when i ran out of desire i still talked to God in some distant, muddled tones. and He listened and read below all surface mutter. He found the truth in places i couldn't even find--i wanted a change. and He brought it swiftly by placing me in a space that helped me see myself and helped me stop trying.
so i did. and before i knew it i was peaceful...
goodness in moderation...i have to find a proper balance. i can't return to where i was these last few days.
i'm just thankful for the swift change. today was really good. i can't explain it all--i should really be asleep--i'll just say that when i ran out of desire i still talked to God in some distant, muddled tones. and He listened and read below all surface mutter. He found the truth in places i couldn't even find--i wanted a change. and He brought it swiftly by placing me in a space that helped me see myself and helped me stop trying.
so i did. and before i knew it i was peaceful...
Friday, November 23
yellow
not wanting to be anything else and too blind to see that i could be anything else, i said that i was green. green is the colour of certainty. green says that i want to follow God completely and that i'm doing what i can to spread the Word.
but right now i think i'm pretty yellow and i think it's because i'm overwhelmed by all the stuff in my head, the stuff i'd rather not have to think about like hebrew and grading. and beyond that, more important than that, i don't want to dedicate time to being consistently green. coz i'm still human so all my green successes are fleeting if i don't put in the time, the prep, the grunt work...
...like reading the Bible.
...like praying for more than food and travel.
...like...
so now what?
sure, i have green moments. most of them are when i'm singing or preparing to sing. and i'd like to believe that that's more proof that i need to do music most, if not all, the time. but then what about the down time? what happens when there's no performance for a week? what happens then? will i still pick up a Bible?
it's the down time that speaks truth, i think. when the music fades and all is stripped away...(sorry, couldn't help it)...that's when i know if i'm green or yellow, if i'm hot or lukewarm, if i'm on the right side of the fence or attaching a pillow to barbed wire.
i don't want to be anything else but i'm awake enough to see the truth and i admit it--i'm far from that perfect mix of yellow and blue. instead, i'm yellow....and that makes me blue...
and what was a serious blog moment has now become a complete revelation of my need for sleep.
till later...
wh
but right now i think i'm pretty yellow and i think it's because i'm overwhelmed by all the stuff in my head, the stuff i'd rather not have to think about like hebrew and grading. and beyond that, more important than that, i don't want to dedicate time to being consistently green. coz i'm still human so all my green successes are fleeting if i don't put in the time, the prep, the grunt work...
...like reading the Bible.
...like praying for more than food and travel.
...like...
so now what?
sure, i have green moments. most of them are when i'm singing or preparing to sing. and i'd like to believe that that's more proof that i need to do music most, if not all, the time. but then what about the down time? what happens when there's no performance for a week? what happens then? will i still pick up a Bible?
it's the down time that speaks truth, i think. when the music fades and all is stripped away...(sorry, couldn't help it)...that's when i know if i'm green or yellow, if i'm hot or lukewarm, if i'm on the right side of the fence or attaching a pillow to barbed wire.
i don't want to be anything else but i'm awake enough to see the truth and i admit it--i'm far from that perfect mix of yellow and blue. instead, i'm yellow....and that makes me blue...
and what was a serious blog moment has now become a complete revelation of my need for sleep.
till later...
wh
Thursday, November 22
t dot
so i ventured out of suburbia for the afternoon with my friend L. we rode the 'burb train to the big city train then walked into apple-land...where we experienced bad customer service. 
...and then good customer service...but the bad memory remains...though frustrated, we refused to allow apple-land to change our minds about our apple products. (okay, let's be real, once you've dropped that many dollars, you've got to stay committed somehow.)
so we continued our big city venture by stopping in various stores to observe inflation at its best and fashion at its worst. you know you're getting old when you just can't seem to be okay with the new trends. you try. you give them a chance. you even have friends who wear them. but you still won't budge.
sticking with what we know and appreciate, we came upon a few choice items and made a couple of purchases with our personal style and comfort in mind.
to end our sojourn we chowed down some scrumptious apple crumble, giving the experience time, however, to simmer.
and then...
the ride home...
hilarious!!!
by this time we were both tired and in need of a proper supper.
we scanned the boards for our train, found it, and rushed to catch it. settling for two seats on the top level, we waited for departure.then.......................... the word "west" came floating innocently out of the speakers to which L responded with,
did he say "whessst"?
get off! now! get off!...yeah...we wanted to go east.
so down the stairs we hustled , afraid the train would begin to chug. knowing better this time, we headed to the right train, took our seats, and laughed at ourselves!
and so we ended our city sojourn. content. tired. hungry. 2lbs light from laughter. i call that success!
Wednesday, November 21
5-step plan...suggestions anyone?
i'm trying to plan ahead better. today, i realized another part of my time problem: as much as i like paying attention to detail, i don't like to process the finer details necessary for executing my own stuff unless i really, really, really want to do something and it's easy. and i'm seldom THAT interested. for example: i really want to get my exegesis paper done in the next two days but it's not THAT important to me so it's not even halfway done. on the other hand, i really, really, really want to improve my pool game so i play every day. it's highly unlikely that pool will improve my seminary grades. but what's primarily important to me right now is that i'm not at school. so i don't really want to do ANYTHING that really matters (honestly). though i want to get them out of my hair, i don't want to grade papers. though i want new frames, i don't want to go to the vision store.
and, i want bite-sized things...exegesis isn't bite-size neither is grading. getting glasses is easier coz my mum drove me there today. thankfully, i can check that off the list. but my mum isn't holding my hand through all things (fortunately...or unfortunately) so i've got to get to the point where i can suck up my fatigue, my boredom, etc, and just do what needs to be done in a timely fashion.
so i won't play pool today after all. i'll get back to papers. oh, and let me add this. there is one project for a class that i've almost completed since being here. all we have to do is compile 24 articles, 8 of which have already been provided. i've almost finished collecting them and i'll print them all when i get back to school (to save my parents the ink!).
...i guess this project makes me realize that even when i'm not tired i just want to do things (pertaining to me) that i know will end soon and simply. i grab 16 articles off databases, print them, punch 3 holes into them, stick them in a 2" ring binder that's divided up into 6 sections, add a graphically simple and visually pleasing cover page, and call 'er good! i can see the steps in all their simplicity. nothing's complicated. there's very little room for error. the only horrible thing that may happen is that my printer runs out of ink. but the project isn't due till 3 weeks from now so there's time to buy more ink.
if i have to pay attention to the details in someone else's life, i'm fine. that's why it's possible for me to have the part-time job i have. but if i have to pay attention to the details in my life, i'm exhausted by the mere idea, turned off by the possible glitches--i'm a dreamer.
so as much as i'd like a personal assistant, i don't need one--i just need to slow down, develop a 5-step process for working through the many things that pop up. and i need that 5-step plan so that i don't find myself where i presently am, with my hands in a multitude of projects/events/etc.
and, i want bite-sized things...exegesis isn't bite-size neither is grading. getting glasses is easier coz my mum drove me there today. thankfully, i can check that off the list. but my mum isn't holding my hand through all things (fortunately...or unfortunately) so i've got to get to the point where i can suck up my fatigue, my boredom, etc, and just do what needs to be done in a timely fashion.
so i won't play pool today after all. i'll get back to papers. oh, and let me add this. there is one project for a class that i've almost completed since being here. all we have to do is compile 24 articles, 8 of which have already been provided. i've almost finished collecting them and i'll print them all when i get back to school (to save my parents the ink!).
...i guess this project makes me realize that even when i'm not tired i just want to do things (pertaining to me) that i know will end soon and simply. i grab 16 articles off databases, print them, punch 3 holes into them, stick them in a 2" ring binder that's divided up into 6 sections, add a graphically simple and visually pleasing cover page, and call 'er good! i can see the steps in all their simplicity. nothing's complicated. there's very little room for error. the only horrible thing that may happen is that my printer runs out of ink. but the project isn't due till 3 weeks from now so there's time to buy more ink.
if i have to pay attention to the details in someone else's life, i'm fine. that's why it's possible for me to have the part-time job i have. but if i have to pay attention to the details in my life, i'm exhausted by the mere idea, turned off by the possible glitches--i'm a dreamer.
so as much as i'd like a personal assistant, i don't need one--i just need to slow down, develop a 5-step process for working through the many things that pop up. and i need that 5-step plan so that i don't find myself where i presently am, with my hands in a multitude of projects/events/etc.
Monday, November 19
miss
to miss is to fail to do a variety of things such as:
touch
catch
notice
attend to
have a meeting
include
reach
experience
i don't want fail
but i keep on missing
even when you're present
touch
catch
notice
attend to
have a meeting
include
reach
experience
i don't want fail
but i keep on missing
even when you're present
Tuesday, November 6
Wednesday, October 31
Tuesday, October 30
consistency
the quick flip of emotions, like factory line pancakes, take me from a calm "ah, the breeze is so lovely" to an irritated "why are you talking right now?"
a classmate said she loves my personality--i'm so nice. i told her she must not know me well. of course, i don't totally mean that. but she obviously doesn't see me all the time. and her personality brings out the good in me so she's bound to see much good. hmmm...
my schizophrenic moments--i don't understand them. on the list of things i enjoy, consistency is high. selfishness must be higher. but where's the line drawn between selfishness and consistency? coz sometimes if my need for consistency is denied me, my emotions become pancakes and my life becomes a factory.
flip.
flip.
flip.
a classmate took my seat once. i was immediately unnerved. i told him he had to move. he thought i was joking. i wasn't mean about it but i explained my need for consistency. he finally moved.
i could dismiss this all as a sign of "older" age. but i've been this way for as long as i know. i need habits. i have expectations and i need them met. i know i can be selfish sometimes...i work on not being selfish sometimes...sometimes i just want things my way. but sometimes i really need things my way.
how on earth do i have friends? consistency.
oh botheration!
a classmate said she loves my personality--i'm so nice. i told her she must not know me well. of course, i don't totally mean that. but she obviously doesn't see me all the time. and her personality brings out the good in me so she's bound to see much good. hmmm...
my schizophrenic moments--i don't understand them. on the list of things i enjoy, consistency is high. selfishness must be higher. but where's the line drawn between selfishness and consistency? coz sometimes if my need for consistency is denied me, my emotions become pancakes and my life becomes a factory.
flip.
flip.
flip.
a classmate took my seat once. i was immediately unnerved. i told him he had to move. he thought i was joking. i wasn't mean about it but i explained my need for consistency. he finally moved.
i could dismiss this all as a sign of "older" age. but i've been this way for as long as i know. i need habits. i have expectations and i need them met. i know i can be selfish sometimes...i work on not being selfish sometimes...sometimes i just want things my way. but sometimes i really need things my way.
how on earth do i have friends? consistency.
oh botheration!
Sunday, October 21
late night
it was 10:30pm and i was ready to call it quits, throw in the towel, cliche, cliche, cliche...
then, as i braided my hair and read over "indirect aggression," i got inspired. and now it's 11:24 and i have a better sense of how i'm going to teach tomorrow, a sense i'm grateful for.
what would i do right now if i weren't teaching? sleep more perhaps...or procrastinate more.
this second year of MDiv is like the second year of my english MA--i'm more settled in my surroundings, enjoying more in life yet restless, knowing this isn't all there is, afraid of what more there is, dreaming of more, knowing i shouldn't quit, wanting to quit...
when i'd rather cook a full meal and grade papers than do homework, you know something's up!
then, as i braided my hair and read over "indirect aggression," i got inspired. and now it's 11:24 and i have a better sense of how i'm going to teach tomorrow, a sense i'm grateful for.
what would i do right now if i weren't teaching? sleep more perhaps...or procrastinate more.
this second year of MDiv is like the second year of my english MA--i'm more settled in my surroundings, enjoying more in life yet restless, knowing this isn't all there is, afraid of what more there is, dreaming of more, knowing i shouldn't quit, wanting to quit...
when i'd rather cook a full meal and grade papers than do homework, you know something's up!
Tuesday, October 16
metabolic frolic
it's the name of a tea.
...that's all i wanted to say...well, not really. it's all i have time for. now to run my panera bread company food off.
=wordhabit=
...that's all i wanted to say...well, not really. it's all i have time for. now to run my panera bread company food off.
=wordhabit=
Tuesday, October 9
saying goodbye
i've said goodbye a lot in life--to people, to places, to things...even inanimate things like fear. but that kind of farewell so often needs repeating.
(i know i've already had this "conversation"...this repetition simply shows how much this is on my mind as of late)
there are 3 things i love: music, teaching, writing...not always in that order. i'm doing the firt two on a somewhat regular basis right now. school is taking the place of creative prose...that's my excuse anyway.
well, in an effort to stick with what i love, i've recently said goodbye to one commitment which has freed me up a bit...but i still don't write. i simply waste more time...sometimes.
yet more than ever i understand what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. "supposed to." it sounds incredibly set in stone...i know. let me put it this way. more than ever i realize that God wants us to use what He's talented us with for His glory. and i'm not doing that near as much as i could. and as much as i enjoy learning, school just isn't cutting it for me.
many of the people i go to school with talk about having run from God's call to ministry. they believe that they are finally answering that call by being here. today i got this overwhelming sense that i'm still running from my call coz my call has nothing to do with hebrew and church history and everything to do with notes...sung...over...and over...new songs written...old songs revamped...music...over...and over.
so i come home and instead of finishing pages of assigned reading, i cook. it's called "avoidance." most of the time i find a reason to clean or reorganize something. today it was supper creation. i came home without a clue. i just knew i had to enjoy what i put into my mouth. bread alone wouldn't cut it. so i made biscuits with a twist--green onions and basil. and i fried up some vegetable dumplings. i made a garbanzo bean salad. and a mushroom sauce sort of thing. and after washing all the dishes i'd used, i sat and ate just enough...no stuffed belly for me. (and i realize that i'm switching between present and past tense somewhat haphazardly and i'm too lazy to fix it. hopefully none of my students see this.)
so back to saying goodbye to fear. if i want something so badly that i'm afraid i'll mess up, i stay away. that needs to go. i need to live. i need to live with music. and i'm so tired right now coz i've been awake since 3:54. i should go to bed. i will go to bed.
goodbye
(i know i've already had this "conversation"...this repetition simply shows how much this is on my mind as of late)
there are 3 things i love: music, teaching, writing...not always in that order. i'm doing the firt two on a somewhat regular basis right now. school is taking the place of creative prose...that's my excuse anyway.
well, in an effort to stick with what i love, i've recently said goodbye to one commitment which has freed me up a bit...but i still don't write. i simply waste more time...sometimes.
yet more than ever i understand what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. "supposed to." it sounds incredibly set in stone...i know. let me put it this way. more than ever i realize that God wants us to use what He's talented us with for His glory. and i'm not doing that near as much as i could. and as much as i enjoy learning, school just isn't cutting it for me.
many of the people i go to school with talk about having run from God's call to ministry. they believe that they are finally answering that call by being here. today i got this overwhelming sense that i'm still running from my call coz my call has nothing to do with hebrew and church history and everything to do with notes...sung...over...and over...new songs written...old songs revamped...music...over...and over.
so i come home and instead of finishing pages of assigned reading, i cook. it's called "avoidance." most of the time i find a reason to clean or reorganize something. today it was supper creation. i came home without a clue. i just knew i had to enjoy what i put into my mouth. bread alone wouldn't cut it. so i made biscuits with a twist--green onions and basil. and i fried up some vegetable dumplings. i made a garbanzo bean salad. and a mushroom sauce sort of thing. and after washing all the dishes i'd used, i sat and ate just enough...no stuffed belly for me. (and i realize that i'm switching between present and past tense somewhat haphazardly and i'm too lazy to fix it. hopefully none of my students see this.)
so back to saying goodbye to fear. if i want something so badly that i'm afraid i'll mess up, i stay away. that needs to go. i need to live. i need to live with music. and i'm so tired right now coz i've been awake since 3:54. i should go to bed. i will go to bed.
goodbye
Monday, October 8
i promise
i promise not to be perfect
i promise not to always make you smile
i promise to have you all confused
but hopefully not all of the time
coz i promise to try to be helpful
and i promise to try to be kind
and i promise that even when you're a bit salty
i'll stick around, i'll stay by
i promise
i promise not to always make you smile
i promise to have you all confused
but hopefully not all of the time
coz i promise to try to be helpful
and i promise to try to be kind
and i promise that even when you're a bit salty
i'll stick around, i'll stay by
i promise
Tuesday, October 2
Sunday, September 30
i don't want to be that person
who lets anger control
who jumps to unnecessary conclusions
who has no patience
who says "that's just the way i am"
who creates a domino effect of lateness
who, due to his/her lack of planning, disrupts another's schedule
who doesn't listen with more than ears
who's so afraid to be wrong
who's so afraid of not being in charge
who can't accept "thank yous"
who's hard to love
who can't sit still
who can't be spontaneous
who has to have the last word
who always has to fight
who goes with the flow even if the flow smells bad
who asks but doesn't really care to know
who knows but doesn't really want to care
who has two good eyes yet no peripheral vision
who doubts God
...but i am many of those things and so i know them when i see them in others. and i hate them (the traits, not the people). and it's hard to love the people. but that's what i'm supposed to do.
i don't want to be that person
who doesn't know how to love
who jumps to unnecessary conclusions
who has no patience
who says "that's just the way i am"
who creates a domino effect of lateness
who, due to his/her lack of planning, disrupts another's schedule
who doesn't listen with more than ears
who's so afraid to be wrong
who's so afraid of not being in charge
who can't accept "thank yous"
who's hard to love
who can't sit still
who can't be spontaneous
who has to have the last word
who always has to fight
who goes with the flow even if the flow smells bad
who asks but doesn't really care to know
who knows but doesn't really want to care
who has two good eyes yet no peripheral vision
who doubts God
...but i am many of those things and so i know them when i see them in others. and i hate them (the traits, not the people). and it's hard to love the people. but that's what i'm supposed to do.
i don't want to be that person
who doesn't know how to love
Friday, September 28
strumming
my pain
with his fingers
singing
my life
with his words
killing
me softly
with his song
telling
my whole life
with his words
no wonder it's such a great song...it comes from poetry.
good words = good lyrics = great music = fantastically fun performance = fun was had by all = what i want to do more of
ummmmmmmmmmmm music!
with his fingers
singing
my life
with his words
killing
me softly
with his song
telling
my whole life
with his words
no wonder it's such a great song...it comes from poetry.
good words = good lyrics = great music = fantastically fun performance = fun was had by all = what i want to do more of
ummmmmmmmmmmm music!
Monday, September 24
the difference
i sing from time to time. the difference between an enjoyable music experience and a regrettable music experience is intentionality. today i was intentional and i enjoyed it.
i teach 3 days a week. the difference between an energizing session and a boring session is intentionality. today i bored myself.
i do homework just about every day and i don't like having to be intentional. i want to close my eyes and dream it all away, not because i don't like it but because i'd rather be doing something else like singing or teaching.
the difference between contentment and getting by is intentionality. i'm more content now than i was this time last year. i'm doing more of what i enjoy, intentionally. and hopefully, when i'm all done with school, i can add writing to the list. and then my dream will be complete. music-teaching-writing. i want all 3 in my life at all times. am i asking too much? no. coz i enjoy them and when i'm intentional, i do them very well and others are benefited.
it's 9:28. i'm wasted.
i may intentionally get to bed soon so that i can intentionally blade in the morning.
[i think i've just overused that word for the next 6 months]
i teach 3 days a week. the difference between an energizing session and a boring session is intentionality. today i bored myself.
i do homework just about every day and i don't like having to be intentional. i want to close my eyes and dream it all away, not because i don't like it but because i'd rather be doing something else like singing or teaching.
the difference between contentment and getting by is intentionality. i'm more content now than i was this time last year. i'm doing more of what i enjoy, intentionally. and hopefully, when i'm all done with school, i can add writing to the list. and then my dream will be complete. music-teaching-writing. i want all 3 in my life at all times. am i asking too much? no. coz i enjoy them and when i'm intentional, i do them very well and others are benefited.
it's 9:28. i'm wasted.
i may intentionally get to bed soon so that i can intentionally blade in the morning.
[i think i've just overused that word for the next 6 months]
Friday, September 21
good yet bad
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/loonie
bad only because it means my american money doesn't stretch as far but good because my canadian money is making waves...
...i don't like money sometimes. *sigh*
but when i wiggle my toes in my new brown comfort vessels, i smile, yes i smile.
bad only because it means my american money doesn't stretch as far but good because my canadian money is making waves...
...i don't like money sometimes. *sigh*
but when i wiggle my toes in my new brown comfort vessels, i smile, yes i smile.
Wednesday, September 19
following.directions.
if i only did it more often, i'd have good food more often.
amen!
coconut milk
rice vinegar
red pepper flakes
soy sauce
sweet onion
garlic
green onion
life is good!
amen!
coconut milk
rice vinegar
red pepper flakes
soy sauce
sweet onion
garlic
green onion
life is good!
Tuesday, September 18
running
so i got new running shoes...they aren't exactly what i want but they'll do for the next couple of months as i get back into the swing of things, the run of things, the pace of things, the pain in my weaker knee, the sore back and tummy muscles, the need to stretch more than ever, the need to drink more water, the sweaty t-shirts, the extreme fatigue calmed by a shower...
i like it a lot!
i like it a lot!
sauce
i experienced some fabulous sauces a a Thai restaurant the other day and consequently promised myself to do more sauce experimentation. so this past weekend i cooked a Thai Chicken dish using Fri Chik (good 'ole vege meat). i made up a marinade based on the recipe's ingredients and had the Chik soak in it overnight. the next day i fried it up.
now, i enjoyed the Chik but the best part, in my opinion, was the sauce all by itself....wish i'd made more! it had great ginger flavour and left kick in the back of your throat, just enough to make you say "ooo, nice."
see, i love rice and if i make more sauces i can enjoy rice even more...and vegetables too, i guess.
vivre la sauce!
now, i enjoyed the Chik but the best part, in my opinion, was the sauce all by itself....wish i'd made more! it had great ginger flavour and left kick in the back of your throat, just enough to make you say "ooo, nice."
see, i love rice and if i make more sauces i can enjoy rice even more...and vegetables too, i guess.
vivre la sauce!
Sunday, September 9
uncle james
my uncle james used to do modern dance. i never got to see him in action. that's a great sweater he's wearing. he lives in austria. i should pay him and his family a visit.
my little sis has those same cheeks...as does my mum (i think).
ah, uncle james. you're cute. and your face says you're also trouble!
my little sis has those same cheeks...as does my mum (i think).
ah, uncle james. you're cute. and your face says you're also trouble!
Saturday, September 8
love.music
there's something great yet awful about beautiful music: it energizes, encourages and then makes you stay up a little later so you can write about it. trust me...it's making me do this! i will lack sleep tomorrow because of music. it's NOT my fault. i am NOT in control of this.
haha
i'll always enjoy jazz. i may not sing it often but i'll always enjoy it and it will always influence what i sing. coz love made music...
haha
i'll always enjoy jazz. i may not sing it often but i'll always enjoy it and it will always influence what i sing. coz love made music...
leaving
http://www.boundlessline.org/2007/09/young-adults-le.html
there's truth here...but what do i do with my peers? helping teens is necessary, yes. but how do i reach out to those who've already disengaged? that's part of my calling isn't it?
there's truth here...but what do i do with my peers? helping teens is necessary, yes. but how do i reach out to those who've already disengaged? that's part of my calling isn't it?
mirrors
they come in all sorts of forms: plastic, glass, round, square, wall size, clutch purse size...and sometimes they're people.
it's not that they look like you. it's that their behaviour helps you see yourself. in that moment you have choices. do i accept what i've seen? do i reject it? do i take necessary steps to adjust how i look? etc.
i love mirrors.
i abhor mirrors.
one minute i look marathon-ready.
the next i look like i just gave birth to quadruplets.
it's not that they look like you. it's that their behaviour helps you see yourself. in that moment you have choices. do i accept what i've seen? do i reject it? do i take necessary steps to adjust how i look? etc.
i love mirrors.
i abhor mirrors.
one minute i look marathon-ready.
the next i look like i just gave birth to quadruplets.
Friday, September 7
okay
so to say my jazz singing days are numbered is slightly over-the-top. what i should say is that i have to put other stuff first. what i sing most, what people hear from my lips most, should be songs that speak directly to who Christ is , what he's done, how wonderful it is to know and love him, etc.
a Christ-centred music life. that's what i want and it's actually what's required of me.
okay, why am i trying to explain this? am i proving something to you, the reader? or am i trying to convince myself?
...neither. i'm just trying to get my words/thoughts straight...more later.
a Christ-centred music life. that's what i want and it's actually what's required of me.
okay, why am i trying to explain this? am i proving something to you, the reader? or am i trying to convince myself?
...neither. i'm just trying to get my words/thoughts straight...more later.
Wednesday, September 5
subconscious consciousness
you know how it is when a thought comes to mind, you ponder it momentarily then let it rest in your subconscious, then it resurfaces hours later to find you better aware after having subconsciously unpacked its truth?
well, this is my reality. i'm minutes from a solid night of sleep yet i'm fully processing the fact that if i spend my energy using what God has gifted me with for vain glory, i'll never be content. "vain glory." i know it's a bit archaic, stilted, stuffy, KJVish--but it's real.
my jazzy love song singing days are numbered...honestly. and i'm not on a crazy fanatical tip. i'm actually on a transformation tip. i don't think jazzy love songs are evil. i just don't think they do anything worth hours of practice.
more later...the night is not young.
well, this is my reality. i'm minutes from a solid night of sleep yet i'm fully processing the fact that if i spend my energy using what God has gifted me with for vain glory, i'll never be content. "vain glory." i know it's a bit archaic, stilted, stuffy, KJVish--but it's real.
my jazzy love song singing days are numbered...honestly. and i'm not on a crazy fanatical tip. i'm actually on a transformation tip. i don't think jazzy love songs are evil. i just don't think they do anything worth hours of practice.
more later...the night is not young.
Monday, September 3
real simple
my favourite magazine. i bought the latest issue over a week ago. i've flipped through it very, very briefly. that's how busy i've been, preoccupied with things that matter more than easy recipes and essential classic wardrobe items (though i think highly of those things).
and now i'm reading "forgiving our parents forgiving our selves," a book for one of my classes. i must get back to work.
just wanted to note that even though i haven't made time to read my favourite magazine, i'm certainly basking in the joys of doing things simply.
i wake
i blade
i meditate
i eat
i work
i listen
i teach
i listen
i eat
i question
i work
i spend quality time (can't think of one word to sum that up!)
i sleep
i rest
i'm extremely busy yet life is real and simple.
i'm blessed.
and now i'm reading "forgiving our parents forgiving our selves," a book for one of my classes. i must get back to work.
just wanted to note that even though i haven't made time to read my favourite magazine, i'm certainly basking in the joys of doing things simply.
i wake
i blade
i meditate
i eat
i work
i listen
i teach
i listen
i eat
i question
i work
i spend quality time (can't think of one word to sum that up!)
i sleep
i rest
i'm extremely busy yet life is real and simple.
i'm blessed.
Monday, August 20
divided
one of the big things in my life i'm trying to change is my divided self. i'm used to being one way in this corner and another way in that corner as i living among different circles and work in varied settings. it's just my way of being me. but it has become a nuisance. it wasn't intended to be so. i wasn't even conscious for many years and it developed after having moved from one culture to another very different culture to another very different culture. by age 11 i had multiple personalities...okay, slight exaggeration. i was basically adapting to change and consequently holding on to some of the past at each stage, gradually growing into someone who can exist among a lot of difference by assimilating just enough.
...and now i'm aware and i'm tired. so i'm trying to be just one person consistently. i don't really know what that means yet across the board. but i do know that it necessistates careful critique and room for adjustments that i'm not always going to be comfortable with. it means that at the end of the day both group A and B may see a side of me they never knew existed, or at least not to the degree to which it now blooms.
i read something today that's helpful:
Nothing is so important as to keep right spiritually. The great solution is the simple one - "Come unto Me." The depth of our reality, intellectually, morally and spiritually, is tested by these words. In every degree in which we are not real, we will dispute rather than come.
Not real. I want to be real and right now "divided" doesn't quite seem real and it (i think) is what's keeping me from being.
there's so much idealism wrapped up in that sentence, so much...and i'm too tired to unpack this subject any further.
till later,
wordhabit
...and now i'm aware and i'm tired. so i'm trying to be just one person consistently. i don't really know what that means yet across the board. but i do know that it necessistates careful critique and room for adjustments that i'm not always going to be comfortable with. it means that at the end of the day both group A and B may see a side of me they never knew existed, or at least not to the degree to which it now blooms.
i read something today that's helpful:
Nothing is so important as to keep right spiritually. The great solution is the simple one - "Come unto Me." The depth of our reality, intellectually, morally and spiritually, is tested by these words. In every degree in which we are not real, we will dispute rather than come.
Not real. I want to be real and right now "divided" doesn't quite seem real and it (i think) is what's keeping me from being.
there's so much idealism wrapped up in that sentence, so much...and i'm too tired to unpack this subject any further.
till later,
wordhabit
Friday, August 17
san fran, shakes, and music
it's been real fun but this chick is knackered!
(those were my words last night and i didn't get a chance to post them. i ended up going to bed really late in order to overcome my jet lag. these folks are 3 hours behind my regular zone. i slept till 5am and went back to sleep till 8am and now i'm fine...thank you very much.)
and now i'm sick :( i had a really milky milkshake today and the fact that i rarely drink cow's milk is probably what led to my present sick state where my belly shakes within and i want nothing more than to turn my insides out! argh!!!!!!!!!!!! bah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mama!!!!!!!!!!!!! belly role!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but on a happy note, i went shopping today, outlet shopping, very exciting shopping, good price shopping, good customer service shopping.
now let's talk about good customer service. it is so amazing here. even in grocery stores. people are kind. it's as if you're among friends. and i'm realizing that kindness is a great marketing tool...not that one should be kind merely to build business but it works. i'm encouraged to know that the manager is concerned about whether or not everything was okay as i exit the store and that he recognizes me an hour and a half later when i return (granted, i was 1 of 3 black people that i saw so he had to recognize me!)
anyway, it's sabbath now and i'm enjoying a peaceful evening of music. just sung through a couple of songs with my friend Chris. Justin, i know you're jealous...hehe. ah, memory lane. we sang "pray me home" and it really could have done with a 3rd part...(okay, i'm done with guilt tripping...it's overrated anyway!)
tomorrow we'll sing for church and hopefully i won't be too lazy to whip out my camera and take a few pics. (pics and church really don't have any direct correlation; therefore, that sentence is a very bad one, just so ya know. and i'm leaving it so that we all remember not to construct weak sentences.) i have my point and shoot. it's only really worthwhile outdoors. and vineyards are outdoors. and vineyards are beautiful. and so is music...according to a song i know that someone not too far from here wrote not too long ago.
ok...later.
Monday, August 13
Order My Steps
That’s basically how my morning prayer concluded. And I’ve had an interesting day filled with what I know to be God-ordered steps. I mean, what are the chances that I’d be alert enough at work to accomplish so many necessary things, tying up lose ends to ensure smooth future events? And how could I possibly go without lunch and not be so silently frazzled that I get a headache and then ticked off at myself for being a poor steward of my time? And it’s not that I think God ordered my lack of lunch…not at all! But He kept me so focused on the other necessary tasks at hand that hunger wasn’t able to control me. And how else would I have had an incredible hour-long conversation with a classmate about how we (global “we”) need to help each other remember the reality of the world we’re living in and the eternal world we want and that in order to get to eternity we have to be willing to critique our present reality like the spiritualistic nature of movies and the ego trips of video games.
And then God ordered my steps home from a later meeting. I could have walked out of the building the way I always do. But instead I took the back exit and the diagonal pathway which led me to one of the most incredible encounters I’ve ever had—under a tree. And there the four of us prayed for the salvation of him, a 14-yr-old boy. He’s sad and so confused/scared that he could barely open his mouth to pray. He struggled to call on Jesus. At first I thought it was because the three of us around him were 2 to 4 times his age but then I really saw the struggle. Anyone else would have simply hurried through the prayer so that he could get on his way. But not this boy. And he wasn’t simply shy—the war for his soul was clear. And I’m afraid to even say that coz it sounds to radical, so over-the-top, so….ah, there’s a word I can’t remember that would go perfectly here…
Anyway, today’s experiences have helped me remember to allow as many good things as possible to enter my head and heart so that what comes out is what people need.
Fanatic. That’s the word. I don’t want to sound like one. I don’t want to be one. I just want to kick back and enjoy life, honestly. I don’t want to struggle or be bothered with trivial things. I just want to work on a public campus and sing all over the place and write continuously.
But I can’t get so focused on what makes me happy that I walk right by the 14-yr-old who needs a listening ear. I can’t use the excuse that “I was just minding my own business.” I have to be willing to have my steps ordered by God.
As I write this I’m both willing and stubborn. I want God to use me. Yes, please. By all means. But I don’t want to be inconvenienced. So that’s why I have to ask Him to order my steps. Of course, I’m going to use the head He gave me and plan my day to the best of my ability. But if on my walk home God says, “Take the back exit and the diagonal path,” the day that I’ve already asked Him to order will go just as it’s supposed to—no inconvenience, no worry, just ordered steps.
So can I still go to movies? Can I still listen to jazz? Can I still ride my bike and use a Mac?
Those are definitely not the right questions!
And then God ordered my steps home from a later meeting. I could have walked out of the building the way I always do. But instead I took the back exit and the diagonal pathway which led me to one of the most incredible encounters I’ve ever had—under a tree. And there the four of us prayed for the salvation of him, a 14-yr-old boy. He’s sad and so confused/scared that he could barely open his mouth to pray. He struggled to call on Jesus. At first I thought it was because the three of us around him were 2 to 4 times his age but then I really saw the struggle. Anyone else would have simply hurried through the prayer so that he could get on his way. But not this boy. And he wasn’t simply shy—the war for his soul was clear. And I’m afraid to even say that coz it sounds to radical, so over-the-top, so….ah, there’s a word I can’t remember that would go perfectly here…
Anyway, today’s experiences have helped me remember to allow as many good things as possible to enter my head and heart so that what comes out is what people need.
Fanatic. That’s the word. I don’t want to sound like one. I don’t want to be one. I just want to kick back and enjoy life, honestly. I don’t want to struggle or be bothered with trivial things. I just want to work on a public campus and sing all over the place and write continuously.
But I can’t get so focused on what makes me happy that I walk right by the 14-yr-old who needs a listening ear. I can’t use the excuse that “I was just minding my own business.” I have to be willing to have my steps ordered by God.
As I write this I’m both willing and stubborn. I want God to use me. Yes, please. By all means. But I don’t want to be inconvenienced. So that’s why I have to ask Him to order my steps. Of course, I’m going to use the head He gave me and plan my day to the best of my ability. But if on my walk home God says, “Take the back exit and the diagonal path,” the day that I’ve already asked Him to order will go just as it’s supposed to—no inconvenience, no worry, just ordered steps.
So can I still go to movies? Can I still listen to jazz? Can I still ride my bike and use a Mac?
Those are definitely not the right questions!
wanting to feel
i should never post at 12:30am since thoughts aren't straight at this hour but anyway...
if there were an "emotion" pill, i'd probably try to get a periodic dose. it's not that i want to be able to cry more easily--not at all--it's just that i think i'm too distant. death happens and i put it in a jar, close the lid tightly, then place it in a random location that i can't easily recall later on. and the thing is, that all happens subconsciously.
whenever someone dies i process these same thoughts. there are only 2 people's deaths i've really cried over. maybe coz they were around my age and their deaths was so tragic. i felt it then. it broke me. my regular tear sub pump malfunctioned...the flood was amazing.
growing up, i always took pride in my ability to "control" my emotions. i wasn't typically girly having giggling fests and reacting dramatically to trivial things. from what i remember, i was more often calm except sometimes with immediate family. and now i'm afraid that i don't feel deeply enough, often enough. and it's not till a personal crisis that the sub pump malfunctions and the flood is amazing, tears amassed from scores of repressed opportunities.
but i don't want a weeping fest...i just want to feel. i want to be kind more easily. i want to compliment more easily. i want to help more easily. i want to reach out more easily. all these years of "controlling" my emotions have helped me be more distant and at times i just want to be close. close enough to show i care.
...didn't get to shop after all...didn't even stroll downtown. just felt the perfect walking air and wished home was the 1400th block of polk street once again.
if there were an "emotion" pill, i'd probably try to get a periodic dose. it's not that i want to be able to cry more easily--not at all--it's just that i think i'm too distant. death happens and i put it in a jar, close the lid tightly, then place it in a random location that i can't easily recall later on. and the thing is, that all happens subconsciously.
whenever someone dies i process these same thoughts. there are only 2 people's deaths i've really cried over. maybe coz they were around my age and their deaths was so tragic. i felt it then. it broke me. my regular tear sub pump malfunctioned...the flood was amazing.
growing up, i always took pride in my ability to "control" my emotions. i wasn't typically girly having giggling fests and reacting dramatically to trivial things. from what i remember, i was more often calm except sometimes with immediate family. and now i'm afraid that i don't feel deeply enough, often enough. and it's not till a personal crisis that the sub pump malfunctions and the flood is amazing, tears amassed from scores of repressed opportunities.
but i don't want a weeping fest...i just want to feel. i want to be kind more easily. i want to compliment more easily. i want to help more easily. i want to reach out more easily. all these years of "controlling" my emotions have helped me be more distant and at times i just want to be close. close enough to show i care.
...didn't get to shop after all...didn't even stroll downtown. just felt the perfect walking air and wished home was the 1400th block of polk street once again.
Sunday, August 12
as if it isn't official....
death is a sick, sick thing
two people i knew are dead within the span of 2 weeks...were we close? no. but that's not the point. the point is that their husbands, children, siblings, parents, etc., now wake up without them.
today's funeral was for a 30 yr old woman. ...30.
tomorrow's funeral will be for someone in her 50s. ...50s.
so that's like me burying a sibling and a parent right now. and i'm presently numb. tomorrow i'll feel more and then i'll walk around downtown chicago as if the only thing on my mind is a new pair of shoes.
i'll let you know how the shoes feel...
i'm really not being flippant here. trust me. i just don't feel yet and i'm processing that reality, the reality that head knowledge hasn't yet become heart...
death is a sick, sick thing. but it's also sometimes okay.
two people i knew are dead within the span of 2 weeks...were we close? no. but that's not the point. the point is that their husbands, children, siblings, parents, etc., now wake up without them.
today's funeral was for a 30 yr old woman. ...30.
tomorrow's funeral will be for someone in her 50s. ...50s.
so that's like me burying a sibling and a parent right now. and i'm presently numb. tomorrow i'll feel more and then i'll walk around downtown chicago as if the only thing on my mind is a new pair of shoes.
i'll let you know how the shoes feel...
i'm really not being flippant here. trust me. i just don't feel yet and i'm processing that reality, the reality that head knowledge hasn't yet become heart...
death is a sick, sick thing. but it's also sometimes okay.
...we don't grieve as those who have no hope...
Friday, August 10
fortune cookies
"You will spend old age in comfort and material wealth"
on one hand i feel pretty okay with this fortune. but on my foot i feel the pain of responsibility from the weight of the shackles that bind me to...
money
while i really like the idea of comfort i get uneasy with "material wealth." my pastor preached a sermon once called "soon to melt" and he challenged us to put a slip of paper with those 3 words on all our material things. i thought it a great idea coz if nothing more, it got us all thinking about what we really valued.
and i'm not going to now put "soon to melt" on my laptop and bike, my most expensive possessions...but i keep on wondering (even before hearing that sermon) about simplicity and the joys therein. no, i won't start preaching about how poor people in developing countries are so seemingly happy with the little they have...to compare them with me in anyway would be unfair. what i will say is that keeping things simple has a mysterious pleasure about it. it's like wearing a flattering neck-lined navy blue tank top with a slim fitting pair of well tailored blue jeans and slides vs that plus bangles, a floppy brown hat, very dark-very big sun glasses, a big brown tote, and a neck scarf thingy. i can picture the second one...on someone else...and i like what i see. but i'd much rather take option A.
so while i'd really like to own a 1400 square foot loft with high ceilings and huge windows in downtown chicago i'd much rather buy a house in some regular old subdivision in some regular old suburb that doesn't break my bank. and if i had the money to by the loft while keeping my bank in tact, i'd still rather by the house...if...if i thought for a moment that i was buying the loft just to be able to say that i'm spending my old age in comfort and material wealth.
where i live must be a safe place...safe for all who come over...a place where smiles are created and necessary tears shed...a place where great food is shared and laughter can be heard for days on end..a place where great time is spent, great conversation, great silence, etc... and if safety comes in the form of a 1400 square foot loft with high ceilings and huge windows...i'll say thank You. :)
ah fortune cookies...
on one hand i feel pretty okay with this fortune. but on my foot i feel the pain of responsibility from the weight of the shackles that bind me to...
money
while i really like the idea of comfort i get uneasy with "material wealth." my pastor preached a sermon once called "soon to melt" and he challenged us to put a slip of paper with those 3 words on all our material things. i thought it a great idea coz if nothing more, it got us all thinking about what we really valued.
and i'm not going to now put "soon to melt" on my laptop and bike, my most expensive possessions...but i keep on wondering (even before hearing that sermon) about simplicity and the joys therein. no, i won't start preaching about how poor people in developing countries are so seemingly happy with the little they have...to compare them with me in anyway would be unfair. what i will say is that keeping things simple has a mysterious pleasure about it. it's like wearing a flattering neck-lined navy blue tank top with a slim fitting pair of well tailored blue jeans and slides vs that plus bangles, a floppy brown hat, very dark-very big sun glasses, a big brown tote, and a neck scarf thingy. i can picture the second one...on someone else...and i like what i see. but i'd much rather take option A.
so while i'd really like to own a 1400 square foot loft with high ceilings and huge windows in downtown chicago i'd much rather buy a house in some regular old subdivision in some regular old suburb that doesn't break my bank. and if i had the money to by the loft while keeping my bank in tact, i'd still rather by the house...if...if i thought for a moment that i was buying the loft just to be able to say that i'm spending my old age in comfort and material wealth.
where i live must be a safe place...safe for all who come over...a place where smiles are created and necessary tears shed...a place where great food is shared and laughter can be heard for days on end..a place where great time is spent, great conversation, great silence, etc... and if safety comes in the form of a 1400 square foot loft with high ceilings and huge windows...i'll say thank You. :)
ah fortune cookies...
Wednesday, August 8
it's hot
but i'm so glad i slept okay and woke early enough to blade before the onslaught of humidity welcomed the day.
today i'll finish a book i'm reading...hopefully...reading is a sure way for me to fall asleep. having trouble sleeping? read. want to forget about the troubles of this world via slumber? read. anxiety sustaining your wide-eyed frazzle? read.
has it always been like this? i'm not sure. but it's easier to stay awake and engaged when i know that i'll discuss what i've read the next morning. but no...current profs don't believe much in discussing assigned reading. why? i dunno. guess they're just not connected enough to the wonderful realm of english literature where we read and talk, read and intellectually masticate each pregnant idea in concert with the larger conversations around us. yum!
but yeah, it's hot. and the unnatural cold of air conditioners can't possibly be healthy though my body has adjusted. i'd love to rest beneath the arms of a huge willow tree as the wind blows so inconspicuously that only the leaves sense it and they generously pass along the blessing.
and so maybe i will. coz this 28yrold body is so fatigued right now, so much so that i don't even have to read. need to fall asleep? just sit still...
ah, good morning!
today i'll finish a book i'm reading...hopefully...reading is a sure way for me to fall asleep. having trouble sleeping? read. want to forget about the troubles of this world via slumber? read. anxiety sustaining your wide-eyed frazzle? read.
has it always been like this? i'm not sure. but it's easier to stay awake and engaged when i know that i'll discuss what i've read the next morning. but no...current profs don't believe much in discussing assigned reading. why? i dunno. guess they're just not connected enough to the wonderful realm of english literature where we read and talk, read and intellectually masticate each pregnant idea in concert with the larger conversations around us. yum!
but yeah, it's hot. and the unnatural cold of air conditioners can't possibly be healthy though my body has adjusted. i'd love to rest beneath the arms of a huge willow tree as the wind blows so inconspicuously that only the leaves sense it and they generously pass along the blessing.
and so maybe i will. coz this 28yrold body is so fatigued right now, so much so that i don't even have to read. need to fall asleep? just sit still...
ah, good morning!
Friday, August 3
the way i was raised
women did everything...that's why i'm so seemingly independent.
the toilet overflows--i know how to plunge, turn off water, use a mop if need be, etc.
a mouse enters--i shriek momentarily, i clear away all paper from the floor, i look for drops, etc
grass grows--i get out the mower, check gas levels, fill if need be, mow, rake, etc
a centipede enters--i kill it, i wipe up the residue
i'm sick--i eat garlic, gargle with salt water, drink plenty of water, don't complain, etc
etc....
and the way i was raised all that independence didn't make men obsolete, it just made them focus on "bigger" things like flat tires and leaking roofs.
but the way i was raised isn't the way everyone was raised and the longer i live, the more i understand that and fight against that. so why weren't all women raised like me?
the toilet overflows--i know how to plunge, turn off water, use a mop if need be, etc.
a mouse enters--i shriek momentarily, i clear away all paper from the floor, i look for drops, etc
grass grows--i get out the mower, check gas levels, fill if need be, mow, rake, etc
a centipede enters--i kill it, i wipe up the residue
i'm sick--i eat garlic, gargle with salt water, drink plenty of water, don't complain, etc
etc....
and the way i was raised all that independence didn't make men obsolete, it just made them focus on "bigger" things like flat tires and leaking roofs.
but the way i was raised isn't the way everyone was raised and the longer i live, the more i understand that and fight against that. so why weren't all women raised like me?
Thursday, August 2
death too soon
so yes, we're at the age when more family dies...but mothers?
a friend's mum died last night. she was a beautiful woman...
i can't imagine what he's feeling right now, what he's thinking.
...
a friend's mum died last night. she was a beautiful woman...
i can't imagine what he's feeling right now, what he's thinking.
...
Tuesday, July 31
preparation
i'm forever buckling up my shoes...always preparing for something, dreaming up something big, hoping it'll happen yet too scared to work hard enough...afraid i'll fail.
so i'm forever buckling and seldom standing tall, walking confidently, head high, shoulders straight. i'm seated on that chair, couch, stool, bed, floor, making sure my shoes are secure. do they feel right? are they clean? do they match my outfit? do they add that extra edge?
by the time i start walking i'm 1/2 hour late and the sun is blazing. car-less, my legs make those quick short strides that heels prefer while perspiration helps my shirt change hues. i would have added a tank top but i was too busy buckling. i would have asked my roommate for a ride but i was too busy buckling. it's only a 5-minute walk but it feels like an eternity i can't afford to wait for. but my heels are comfortable. i'm quite proud of my purchase. they've lasted me a few years now and i'll probably never find another pair quite like them.
so now i'm not only late--i'm grateful. i'm a proud brown heel wearer though my steps reveal more nervous energy than anything else.
Perhaps you can't relate to the heels or the tardiness. But if you're a dreamer you can probably relate to the process. Some people call it "preparation" but there comes a moment when it crosses the line and becomes "procrastination." Why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves through all this torture, one dream after another constantly deferred?
Is it fear? I'm not so sure anymore. If it were fear would i even buckle my shoes?
so i'm forever buckling and seldom standing tall, walking confidently, head high, shoulders straight. i'm seated on that chair, couch, stool, bed, floor, making sure my shoes are secure. do they feel right? are they clean? do they match my outfit? do they add that extra edge?
by the time i start walking i'm 1/2 hour late and the sun is blazing. car-less, my legs make those quick short strides that heels prefer while perspiration helps my shirt change hues. i would have added a tank top but i was too busy buckling. i would have asked my roommate for a ride but i was too busy buckling. it's only a 5-minute walk but it feels like an eternity i can't afford to wait for. but my heels are comfortable. i'm quite proud of my purchase. they've lasted me a few years now and i'll probably never find another pair quite like them.
so now i'm not only late--i'm grateful. i'm a proud brown heel wearer though my steps reveal more nervous energy than anything else.
Perhaps you can't relate to the heels or the tardiness. But if you're a dreamer you can probably relate to the process. Some people call it "preparation" but there comes a moment when it crosses the line and becomes "procrastination." Why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves through all this torture, one dream after another constantly deferred?
Is it fear? I'm not so sure anymore. If it were fear would i even buckle my shoes?
Monday, July 30
1 word
as i sat on the extraordinarily huge beanbag watching a movie, my friend's cat hopped up and curled right into my side space. her presence made me think of the word "nurture."
for those who've seen me with cats, they know i'm not all googoo gaga over the little attitudy animals but i'll allow them into my world for a time and while they are there, i want to know that they're okay. once they leave i'm not too concerned.
but nurture, in its true sense, isn't a passing faze. so the "love" i show a cat is far from what i'd show to a human being--that's long term care...nurture.
yeah. nothing profound here people. it's 11:41...nothing profound. just momentary banter about "nurture."
for those who've seen me with cats, they know i'm not all googoo gaga over the little attitudy animals but i'll allow them into my world for a time and while they are there, i want to know that they're okay. once they leave i'm not too concerned.
but nurture, in its true sense, isn't a passing faze. so the "love" i show a cat is far from what i'd show to a human being--that's long term care...nurture.
yeah. nothing profound here people. it's 11:41...nothing profound. just momentary banter about "nurture."
Sunday, July 29
the message
you need to restart your computer. hold down the power button for several seconds or press the restart button.
that's the death message.
i've had it 3 times now.
i'm a bit afraid.
but the message isn't supposed to create fear. it's supposed to simply heighten awareness. there's no system failure but failure to connect a few dots here and there.
the message is not doom nor damnation. the message is a careful cautionary sign.
and if i'm not careful, i'll allow my grand levels of fatigue to keep me here, keep me rambling on in unnecessary attempts at smart prose.
so goodnight. deep thoughts come with sleep not the lack thereof.
that's the death message.
i've had it 3 times now.
i'm a bit afraid.
but the message isn't supposed to create fear. it's supposed to simply heighten awareness. there's no system failure but failure to connect a few dots here and there.
the message is not doom nor damnation. the message is a careful cautionary sign.
and if i'm not careful, i'll allow my grand levels of fatigue to keep me here, keep me rambling on in unnecessary attempts at smart prose.
so goodnight. deep thoughts come with sleep not the lack thereof.
Friday, July 27
from excitement to fear
fear...there's something to it...something useful. it's not that God can't use us when we're not fearful but fear humbles in a way that useful.
so now i'm useful...coz let me tell ya, i'm afraid!
afraid of saying foolishness
afraid of disgracing God
afraid that...
but why?
okay...so the "useful" thing only goes so far. once you pass humility to deer-in-headlights you've gone too far. that fear isn't useful, it gets you dead.
so i'm humbled by the reality that i'll never be enough, my words will never say enough. all i can do is surrender to the ability and willingness of God to speak through me, through the words i have prepared by his guidance. and that's that.
this is so bizarre. maybe i'll blog in full detail re. this process on sunday when it's all said and done and i can somewhat clearly reflect.
till then...later
so now i'm useful...coz let me tell ya, i'm afraid!
afraid of saying foolishness
afraid of disgracing God
afraid that...
but why?
okay...so the "useful" thing only goes so far. once you pass humility to deer-in-headlights you've gone too far. that fear isn't useful, it gets you dead.
so i'm humbled by the reality that i'll never be enough, my words will never say enough. all i can do is surrender to the ability and willingness of God to speak through me, through the words i have prepared by his guidance. and that's that.
this is so bizarre. maybe i'll blog in full detail re. this process on sunday when it's all said and done and i can somewhat clearly reflect.
till then...later
Wednesday, July 25
sermon...
i'm supposed to think about journeys. so instead of going to walmart with friends i'm going to ponder what a journey is both in dictionaries and in life (for the two aren't always mirror images) and i'm going to use this space to do so. of all the spaces i enjoy, this virtual world is quite enjoyable. i'm connected to the you who read this yet not. i don't know when you're reading it and even when you do i can't dialogue with you in real time. so i'm in my own world. consequently i don't always make sense coz i'm not taking the time to process and no one is questioning anything i say in the moment.
so back to the title...sermon. my sermon is about journeying with Jesus. don't worry i won't call it that. i do have a little more creativity in my bones. i think i may call it "outside the village" or "beyond Bethsaida" or maybe "the village" but that sounds too much like "village voice" which is a chicago zine.
i'm fascinated by Jesus' complex healing approach. he could have just touched the blind man. the people who brought the man to Jesus knew that which is why that was all they requested. they didn't as that he be healed. they just asked the Jesus touch the man coz they knew that a touch from Jesus meant wholeness. so Jesus touches but doesn't heal. he takes the man's hand and leads him outside the village--Bethsaida.
why outside? perhaps it's happenstance? nope. coz at the end Jesus clearly instructs the man not to go into the village. so there's something wrong with the village. what's wrong? it's filled with people who lack faith. in Luke 10 we read:
13"Woe to you, Korazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
14But it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon at the judgement than for you.
15And you, Capernaum, will you be lifted up to the skies? No, you will go down to the depths.
crazy huh? well, to us who have the luxury of reading the entire bible, who have the advantage of many stories to rest our faith upon, it does seem a bit crazy that anyone wouldn't believe after seeing all that Jesus did. but it's an age old problem God could make a really clear appearance in my life every day for 10 days and i'd still probably come up with reason to question the veracity of the experience. was it really him? was it my over-active imagination? etc.
Jesus didn't want the man he was about to heal to be healed in a space where a bunch of unconverted souls with no excuse existed. Jesus wanted the man in faith-space, in salvation space. coz when Jesus heals, he saves. he's more concerned with our eternal salvation anyway than with our physical state. that's why he healed the paralytics sins before healing his body. heal is another word for save. beautiful huh?
more tomorrow...
so back to the title...sermon. my sermon is about journeying with Jesus. don't worry i won't call it that. i do have a little more creativity in my bones. i think i may call it "outside the village" or "beyond Bethsaida" or maybe "the village" but that sounds too much like "village voice" which is a chicago zine.
i'm fascinated by Jesus' complex healing approach. he could have just touched the blind man. the people who brought the man to Jesus knew that which is why that was all they requested. they didn't as that he be healed. they just asked the Jesus touch the man coz they knew that a touch from Jesus meant wholeness. so Jesus touches but doesn't heal. he takes the man's hand and leads him outside the village--Bethsaida.
why outside? perhaps it's happenstance? nope. coz at the end Jesus clearly instructs the man not to go into the village. so there's something wrong with the village. what's wrong? it's filled with people who lack faith. in Luke 10 we read:
13"Woe to you, Korazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
14But it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon at the judgement than for you.
15And you, Capernaum, will you be lifted up to the skies? No, you will go down to the depths.
crazy huh? well, to us who have the luxury of reading the entire bible, who have the advantage of many stories to rest our faith upon, it does seem a bit crazy that anyone wouldn't believe after seeing all that Jesus did. but it's an age old problem God could make a really clear appearance in my life every day for 10 days and i'd still probably come up with reason to question the veracity of the experience. was it really him? was it my over-active imagination? etc.
Jesus didn't want the man he was about to heal to be healed in a space where a bunch of unconverted souls with no excuse existed. Jesus wanted the man in faith-space, in salvation space. coz when Jesus heals, he saves. he's more concerned with our eternal salvation anyway than with our physical state. that's why he healed the paralytics sins before healing his body. heal is another word for save. beautiful huh?
more tomorrow...
Tuesday, July 24
sermon
prep is good. eye opening. lovely.
i sat by the track and observed 3 journeys in progress. it was quite fascinating to see how differently life plays out based on our varying needs:
the barely 2 feet tall toddler is a soccer start in training. his dad must be patient and kick that ball around till the cows come home.
a young man receives martial arts instruction from a big brother figure. the big brother must be patient with each steady, deliberate movement.
a group of 50-odd high schoolers move about the field as they play Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" under the patient orders of their director. her tone is kind but she'll repeat segment one as often as necessary.
we're each on a journey. hopefully we're following the lead of someone who's patient.
i sat by the track and observed 3 journeys in progress. it was quite fascinating to see how differently life plays out based on our varying needs:
the barely 2 feet tall toddler is a soccer start in training. his dad must be patient and kick that ball around till the cows come home.
a young man receives martial arts instruction from a big brother figure. the big brother must be patient with each steady, deliberate movement.
a group of 50-odd high schoolers move about the field as they play Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" under the patient orders of their director. her tone is kind but she'll repeat segment one as often as necessary.
we're each on a journey. hopefully we're following the lead of someone who's patient.
Monday, July 23
bad words that come out of your mouth
it just shouldn't happen. it's unfortunate. but sometimes we really don't have more to say or we haven't had time to plan our attack. it's true...i've said some dumb things in my day. guess i feel okay about it coz i don't have a huge platform, i don't ever stand before thousands of people and talk politics. no one asks for and eagerly awaits my opinion on Darfur, Iraq, abortion (yeah, apparently people still want to know what politicians think about abortion), border control (just build a wall? really? some people's comments are astounding), etc.
people just ask me to sing. "just." guess my task is also very important. after all, when i haven't practiced and i just get up there and wail, it's messy. i do have to consider theology-appropriate lyrics (though some of those Southern Gospel songs about heaven/death/loved-ones-gone-before are almost beautifully irresistible!)
why am i trying to find common ground with politicians? because it's 10:20pm and i ate a chicken breast with minimal flavour and worthless sauce--that can't be good for the thought processes.
good night.
people just ask me to sing. "just." guess my task is also very important. after all, when i haven't practiced and i just get up there and wail, it's messy. i do have to consider theology-appropriate lyrics (though some of those Southern Gospel songs about heaven/death/loved-ones-gone-before are almost beautifully irresistible!)
why am i trying to find common ground with politicians? because it's 10:20pm and i ate a chicken breast with minimal flavour and worthless sauce--that can't be good for the thought processes.
good night.
Saturday, July 21
music
makes me
music
breaks me
it's who i am
and who i never want to be
yet lives inside of me
what's your music?
****
wrote that poem years ago...a decade at least. there's more to it. that part is what i remember most vividly. the words flow across my mind (why do we talk about the mind as if it's a road?) every now and then and i recall my shyness, my insecurity, my fear of meeting strangers, the safe haven i found in poetry...even mediocre poetry.
but music is more than poetry to me now. it's certainly an experience and when it's communal it's really incredible even if it's not perfect.
have you ever been on the receiving end of a crowd of people singing with love in their voices? it's quite grand...except for the millisecond delay....i could do without that. :)
last night was nice. this morning was too. and i'm praying for a lovely time tonight.
yay for music!
music
breaks me
it's who i am
and who i never want to be
yet lives inside of me
what's your music?
****
wrote that poem years ago...a decade at least. there's more to it. that part is what i remember most vividly. the words flow across my mind (why do we talk about the mind as if it's a road?) every now and then and i recall my shyness, my insecurity, my fear of meeting strangers, the safe haven i found in poetry...even mediocre poetry.
but music is more than poetry to me now. it's certainly an experience and when it's communal it's really incredible even if it's not perfect.
have you ever been on the receiving end of a crowd of people singing with love in their voices? it's quite grand...except for the millisecond delay....i could do without that. :)
last night was nice. this morning was too. and i'm praying for a lovely time tonight.
yay for music!
Wednesday, July 18
crisp
i was looking at a friend's facebook pics and there they were, several beautiful women posing in what looked like a crisp alberta air.
i miss that crisp cold, the kind where you can make do with a sweater though you know you should really add a jacket. but this way you can draw your shoulders in and scrunch your head down and shiver a lovely shiver as you step out of your car and saunter into your front door breathing deeply coz the day has been good and the air is clean.
and now you'll make yourself a cup of hot chocolate, coffee, tea...whichever suits your fancy...and you'll sip it with carefree intent as your mind recaps the good day.
later on, when your friend calls, you'll replace the sweater with a sweatshirt (all the protection you desire) and join her for a walk.
that first touch of alberta crisp gets your arms moving, creating a gentle stride that allows for calorie burn. soon you warm up enough to truly enjoy the crisp as it washes over your face.
ah.
breath deep.
again.
i can't believe i miss that. i can't believe i know it enough to miss it. i can't believe that's the only place i really think of as home home.
crisp...i'll return someday.
i miss that crisp cold, the kind where you can make do with a sweater though you know you should really add a jacket. but this way you can draw your shoulders in and scrunch your head down and shiver a lovely shiver as you step out of your car and saunter into your front door breathing deeply coz the day has been good and the air is clean.
and now you'll make yourself a cup of hot chocolate, coffee, tea...whichever suits your fancy...and you'll sip it with carefree intent as your mind recaps the good day.
later on, when your friend calls, you'll replace the sweater with a sweatshirt (all the protection you desire) and join her for a walk.
that first touch of alberta crisp gets your arms moving, creating a gentle stride that allows for calorie burn. soon you warm up enough to truly enjoy the crisp as it washes over your face.
ah.
breath deep.
again.
i can't believe i miss that. i can't believe i know it enough to miss it. i can't believe that's the only place i really think of as home home.
crisp...i'll return someday.
Saturday, July 14
favourite album
sara groves' "conversations"
i'm listening to it today realizing that i REALLY like just about every song...a rare occurrence for anyone i'm sure. my friend justin asked me the other day if there's an album i can listen to straight through and at the time i couldn't think of any. now i remember. yay sara!
my fav songs are:
conversations
this journey is my own
what do i know
going home (prime!!)
and all the rest fall closely behind.
now back to creating...
i'm listening to it today realizing that i REALLY like just about every song...a rare occurrence for anyone i'm sure. my friend justin asked me the other day if there's an album i can listen to straight through and at the time i couldn't think of any. now i remember. yay sara!
my fav songs are:
conversations
this journey is my own
what do i know
going home (prime!!)
and all the rest fall closely behind.
now back to creating...
quiet time
i really enjoy it.
i
am
an introvert!
i love people, mind you. i like to sit in a room filled with people and do my own thing. and many other times, i actually like interacting with them, too : )
i
am
an introvert!
i love people, mind you. i like to sit in a room filled with people and do my own thing. and many other times, i actually like interacting with them, too : )
Tuesday, July 10
gone
this blog is over...well, for now. don't know if i'll feel inspired to write in this space again. why? what happened? oh i dunno. i just don't feel like it any more.
so if you want to read me, just google "wordhabit." i'm always somewhere out here in web space, always current...somewhere...making words my habit...
so if you want to read me, just google "wordhabit." i'm always somewhere out here in web space, always current...somewhere...making words my habit...
Saturday, June 30
happiness is the Lord
happiness is to know the Saviourliving a life that's in his favour
having a change in my behaviour
happiness is the Lord
real joy is mine
no matter where the tear drops start
i found the secret
it's Jesus in my heart
happiness is to be forgiven
living a life that's worth the livin'
taking a trip that leads to heaven
happiness is the Lord
Friday, June 29
vision
be my vision
oh Lord of my heart
don't be anything else to me
except what you are
and you are love
so love me and remind me that you do
oh Lord of my heart
don't be anything else to me
except what you are
and you are love
so love me and remind me that you do
Wednesday, June 27
majoring in mis
communication is not my forte. and to think i majored and mastered in english lit and minored in communication...maybe that's the problem--should have double-majored. man!
so i've been miscommunicating a lot lately and then feeling as though i can't possibly back track and try to rectify anything.
ahhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggg
why must i be so "complicated"? because i'm not, really. in my head i'm really clear and simple. i don't beat around bushes. i'm the best me there ever was.
and then i vent via blogger...i can't communicate effectively face to face or email to email so i resort to the virtual world.
miscommunication 101
1st step: talk dagnabit!
haha
so i've been miscommunicating a lot lately and then feeling as though i can't possibly back track and try to rectify anything.
ahhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggg
why must i be so "complicated"? because i'm not, really. in my head i'm really clear and simple. i don't beat around bushes. i'm the best me there ever was.
and then i vent via blogger...i can't communicate effectively face to face or email to email so i resort to the virtual world.
miscommunication 101
1st step: talk dagnabit!
haha
Monday, June 25
new blog?
so i get bored with layouts and instead of just changing this one, i began a new one and then another one but we'll keep with the 2nd...for now.
http://wordhabit2.blogspot.com
i'm wordhabitting as many spaces as i can...i know...a bit obsessive...yeah yeah
http://wordhabit2.blogspot.com
i'm wordhabitting as many spaces as i can...i know...a bit obsessive...yeah yeah
seemingly irresponsible
i'm always learning not to box God in.
hi God. i'd like my regular dose of:
1. a 4:30am divine wake up call
2. my favourite (though expensive) granola
3. time with people i love
4. creative energy
5. rest when i finally get to bed
6. desire to do homework
7. etc
and then God does something crazy...he gives me this great idea. don't take the 2 classes you planned to take 3rd session. take a one-week intensive that doesn't count toward your degree but is on a topic you're really interested in. and for the rest of the month, work on writing and music.
can you dig it?
i can dig it!
and then, God helps me see that the reason why i hate structure right now is because the sort of structure i was living under this past year wasn't conducive to all that's in my head, all that needs expression. and i figured this out as i did an assignment for my "holistic small groups" course.
so things have changed, the structure is new and i'm learning to make the most of it.
ah. breathing is so good, so good. and while i feel irresponsible at times coz i haven't made the most of a 2-hour free period, i'm learning to hear God speak far beyond the beautiful darkness of 4:30.
hi God. i'd like my regular dose of:
1. a 4:30am divine wake up call
2. my favourite (though expensive) granola
3. time with people i love
4. creative energy
5. rest when i finally get to bed
6. desire to do homework
7. etc
and then God does something crazy...he gives me this great idea. don't take the 2 classes you planned to take 3rd session. take a one-week intensive that doesn't count toward your degree but is on a topic you're really interested in. and for the rest of the month, work on writing and music.
can you dig it?
i can dig it!
and then, God helps me see that the reason why i hate structure right now is because the sort of structure i was living under this past year wasn't conducive to all that's in my head, all that needs expression. and i figured this out as i did an assignment for my "holistic small groups" course.
so things have changed, the structure is new and i'm learning to make the most of it.
ah. breathing is so good, so good. and while i feel irresponsible at times coz i haven't made the most of a 2-hour free period, i'm learning to hear God speak far beyond the beautiful darkness of 4:30.
Thursday, June 7
namesake
a name can really mess you up...or force you to discover who you really are. and who that is may be much farther from reality than you'd like to venture. but you keep messing up. so you must go. and when you do, things change. slowly. but they change. and finally you know contentment.
i'm glad i'm not named after anyone in particular. my mum heard my name, liked it, gave it to me. there weren't many of my kind in 79. now they run screaming through the cereal aisle and i hear a parent tell me to "get back here" and i look. but it's not me. it's some 3 footer who was supposed to be holding on to mummy's cart.
my name asks a question: Who is like God?
i used to think it was a statement coz i never saw it with the proper punctuation. i got excited by the thought that i was like God. yeah, no humility here. now (in my wiser age) that i know it's a question i'm actually relieved. it's like someone's looking at me with one eye and saying, "as if!" and i respond with "hey, i'm chillin."
but it would be nice to at least momentarily feel that i'm living out who i'm meant to be in whatever shape or form God desires that to happen.
(i need to read more. my vocabulary bank has a broken fridge and an issue of ants.)
good night.
i'm glad i'm not named after anyone in particular. my mum heard my name, liked it, gave it to me. there weren't many of my kind in 79. now they run screaming through the cereal aisle and i hear a parent tell me to "get back here" and i look. but it's not me. it's some 3 footer who was supposed to be holding on to mummy's cart.
my name asks a question: Who is like God?
i used to think it was a statement coz i never saw it with the proper punctuation. i got excited by the thought that i was like God. yeah, no humility here. now (in my wiser age) that i know it's a question i'm actually relieved. it's like someone's looking at me with one eye and saying, "as if!" and i respond with "hey, i'm chillin."
but it would be nice to at least momentarily feel that i'm living out who i'm meant to be in whatever shape or form God desires that to happen.
(i need to read more. my vocabulary bank has a broken fridge and an issue of ants.)
good night.
Tuesday, June 5
conversations
they are the playground, the spaces in which we deepen connections at particular times, engage in see-saw merry-go-round interactions that teach us life lessons and wake us up like crazy dreams to the reality that we're still not done learning.
it's 10pm and i'm so tired of learning and yet i can't get enough which is part of why i'm here sitting in this apartment pondering education in its various forms and wondering what it could feel like to be done, knowing all the while that it'll never be over...and that that's okay.
strange. God's pretty crazy...i'd be done with me by now if i were him...
it's 10pm and i'm so tired of learning and yet i can't get enough which is part of why i'm here sitting in this apartment pondering education in its various forms and wondering what it could feel like to be done, knowing all the while that it'll never be over...and that that's okay.
strange. God's pretty crazy...i'd be done with me by now if i were him...
good morning
i woke up to the idea that God wants to change the world through me. the thought hit and i was up, up like a jack in the box, wide-eyed like the five yr-old witnessing a magic trick. awake, fully conscious.
change the world through me?
it was a strange scene in my dream. two politicians stood talking, one running for president, the other running for vice. after seeing who their opponents where the vice president already looked defeated. "why did you ask me to be your running mate when you knew they'd be running?" he asked.
"because i want you to help me change the world," replied his colleague with smooth confidence.
it was simple. i woke up.
then i went running with Maribeth in the 6:30 air as a rainbow stood in the distance. that's how mornings should be. a shocking dream and an energetic run with God's smile in the sky.
now i must act on the dream because i love the smile.
change the world through me?
it was a strange scene in my dream. two politicians stood talking, one running for president, the other running for vice. after seeing who their opponents where the vice president already looked defeated. "why did you ask me to be your running mate when you knew they'd be running?" he asked.
"because i want you to help me change the world," replied his colleague with smooth confidence.
it was simple. i woke up.
then i went running with Maribeth in the 6:30 air as a rainbow stood in the distance. that's how mornings should be. a shocking dream and an energetic run with God's smile in the sky.
now i must act on the dream because i love the smile.
Monday, June 4
divide
...Both I enjoy. Both I want to keep. Both are me—but not together. I sing from my heart in both spaces but there’s always a divide. Why? And the divide comes down to color and the divide is found in worship. Yet I’m fully aware that anything that has to do with God can’t afford to be divided—this house will fall.
I desperately want to live with just one face. It’s simpler and I enjoy attempting to be a minimalist. But more than that, I enjoy honesty—the endless river that I’m afraid to drink from. Will someone mock my cup? Will I get the river mixed up with the stream? Is this the right time to drink?
It’s a strange moment in life, a moment that necessitates both action and quiet contemplation, both prayer and faith steps. I step carefully. I pray desperately. I act not because I want to but because I must. I rest, quietly, hoping nothing will disturb this precious time. Because there’s never enough time and the hour is always late.
I desperately want to live with just one face. It’s simpler and I enjoy attempting to be a minimalist. But more than that, I enjoy honesty—the endless river that I’m afraid to drink from. Will someone mock my cup? Will I get the river mixed up with the stream? Is this the right time to drink?
It’s a strange moment in life, a moment that necessitates both action and quiet contemplation, both prayer and faith steps. I step carefully. I pray desperately. I act not because I want to but because I must. I rest, quietly, hoping nothing will disturb this precious time. Because there’s never enough time and the hour is always late.
Sunday, June 3
light
it’s fascinating to see how light alters things, how the sun (for example) makes it hard to see the exact locale of the Frisbee in flight. so I knock it from the sky wishing I had more perception.
Thursday, May 31
happy
I wish I could explain the happy state I’m in. but it’s much too late at night to even try. So I’ll just be thankful that I’m soooo happy. Perhaps it all boils down to time well spent with fun low-key people. I should definitely do that more often.
Okay. It’s 11:30pm. I’ve been up since 3:50somethingoranother…
yeah it’s a wrap
Okay. It’s 11:30pm. I’ve been up since 3:50somethingoranother…
yeah it’s a wrap
Tuesday, May 29
bless the children
A darling little girl lives in my neighborhood and makes it her duty to ride her bike up to my window and say hello. Her eyes look through the glass, past the blinds, seeking out my face. Today she’s off to the garden. She knows there are beans growing there and she promises upon her return to let me know what else lives below and above the fertile ground. I would go out and talk to her but I’m afraid that soon she’ll start knocking. How silly am I! Her knock would be the most precious knock I’m sure. But I have to think beyond her darling presence to her parents who hardly know me and to the fact that such a friendly girl shouldn’t always be encouraged to befriend strangers, even harmless ones like myself.
It’s a cruel world, kid, and I don’t want you getting hurt. So I’ll keep my distance. I’ll continue to only talk to you from the window. And I’ll welcome your eyes anytime.
-----
“I know who you are,” he said with that childish confidence that would have irritated me had I been 7 years old but instead endeared me to him. Following his statement were the seemingly rehearsed “yeah’s” of his sisters—apparently they knew me too. “How do you know who I am,” I responded with slight attitude and a smirk. “You go to the same school as my dad,” he clarified quite matter-of-factly. “And who’s your dad?” He gave me a name I didn’t know and that’s where our friendly banter ended as his mother came along smiling and he and his sisters got caught up in something else. Our time was up. No formal entry and no formal exit. He kept it simple—I know you.
What is it with children and knowing? Why are they so comfortable, so trusting in this place of transience? I’ve walked these steps before, grown accustomed to the stain of crab apples on the sidewalk during the summer and the smell of dairy cows so nicely dispersed by the autumn breeze. And who could forget the snow? But the bully who threw the crab apples at me is long gone, the cows have lost their aura, and I actually like most of winter.
Yet children still play and adults still ramble on about the lack of community among fellow believers and our need to reach out. So we form small groups with formal entries and formal exits.
I’d rather keep it simple—I know you and here’s how.
And a little child shall lead them if they would just pay attention.
It’s a cruel world, kid, and I don’t want you getting hurt. So I’ll keep my distance. I’ll continue to only talk to you from the window. And I’ll welcome your eyes anytime.
-----
“I know who you are,” he said with that childish confidence that would have irritated me had I been 7 years old but instead endeared me to him. Following his statement were the seemingly rehearsed “yeah’s” of his sisters—apparently they knew me too. “How do you know who I am,” I responded with slight attitude and a smirk. “You go to the same school as my dad,” he clarified quite matter-of-factly. “And who’s your dad?” He gave me a name I didn’t know and that’s where our friendly banter ended as his mother came along smiling and he and his sisters got caught up in something else. Our time was up. No formal entry and no formal exit. He kept it simple—I know you.
What is it with children and knowing? Why are they so comfortable, so trusting in this place of transience? I’ve walked these steps before, grown accustomed to the stain of crab apples on the sidewalk during the summer and the smell of dairy cows so nicely dispersed by the autumn breeze. And who could forget the snow? But the bully who threw the crab apples at me is long gone, the cows have lost their aura, and I actually like most of winter.
Yet children still play and adults still ramble on about the lack of community among fellow believers and our need to reach out. So we form small groups with formal entries and formal exits.
I’d rather keep it simple—I know you and here’s how.
And a little child shall lead them if they would just pay attention.
Wednesday, May 23
thoughts from my cousin
End Thought: I would encourage everyone to do a marathon at least once. It, for some, can be truly life changing, and propel people to change themselves. Such is great, but you do not need to run marathons and climb mountains to transform yourself. That often under used, abused and misquoted book, The Bible, can do that for you. Go ahead, read it.
http://www.purecomplexity.blogspot.com/
http://www.purecomplexity.blogspot.com/
this is education---in uncompleted thought...
(i'm taking 2 summer classes at the moment)
this morning my prof said that the word "relationship" can't be found in the bible...not in the original languages, that is. instead, God uses the word "covenant" and such to describe what happens between Himself and humankind as well as between fellow humans.
this afternoon my other prof had us split up into groups and create the beginnings of a bible study. my group picked "God's forgiveness" as our topic and went on to create a list of "doables"--these are the action steps you want the person to take after going through the study. as we went through the doables i suggested that we ask the person to forgive someone who has wronged them in an effort to understand God's forgiveness. my classmate Kietrich kept emphasizing the use of scripture as the doable but i said we needed something in addition to that.
for my afternoon class i'm reading a book called concentric circles of concern. the very first chapter is about "relationships" and that if our horizontal relationships with others are out of wack, so is our vertical relationship with God. i also read that we must focus on our relationship with God primarily. this emphasis on God throughout the chapter was simple yet it helped me see myself more clearly.
i doubt the power of God's word to stand on its own two feet. i didn't know i doubted until i preached my first sermon last semester--i depended a lot on my own insight especially during the preaching moment. and my doubt was clarified once again today as i reflect on my need to figure out a doable that will go along with the bible...i seem unable to let the bible stand alone. after all, God created us with such great imaginations so why not dream up additional components?
let the word be the only word...this is part of my struggle.
...this is education
this morning my prof said that the word "relationship" can't be found in the bible...not in the original languages, that is. instead, God uses the word "covenant" and such to describe what happens between Himself and humankind as well as between fellow humans.
this afternoon my other prof had us split up into groups and create the beginnings of a bible study. my group picked "God's forgiveness" as our topic and went on to create a list of "doables"--these are the action steps you want the person to take after going through the study. as we went through the doables i suggested that we ask the person to forgive someone who has wronged them in an effort to understand God's forgiveness. my classmate Kietrich kept emphasizing the use of scripture as the doable but i said we needed something in addition to that.
for my afternoon class i'm reading a book called concentric circles of concern. the very first chapter is about "relationships" and that if our horizontal relationships with others are out of wack, so is our vertical relationship with God. i also read that we must focus on our relationship with God primarily. this emphasis on God throughout the chapter was simple yet it helped me see myself more clearly.
i doubt the power of God's word to stand on its own two feet. i didn't know i doubted until i preached my first sermon last semester--i depended a lot on my own insight especially during the preaching moment. and my doubt was clarified once again today as i reflect on my need to figure out a doable that will go along with the bible...i seem unable to let the bible stand alone. after all, God created us with such great imaginations so why not dream up additional components?
let the word be the only word...this is part of my struggle.
...this is education
Tuesday, May 22
Thursday, May 17
writing--just 10
it's 6:55 am.
i've been up for about an hour.
i've been reading through Paul's writings for a class.
now i want to linger a while and write and write and write because i promised God that i'd write more once i got this laptop.
but there's always some excuse like fatigue or the intensity of summer intensives. but i need to write whether i write lyrics or prose.
so that's what the next 10 minutes will be used for. just 10. just 10. i promise.
i've been up for about an hour.
i've been reading through Paul's writings for a class.
now i want to linger a while and write and write and write because i promised God that i'd write more once i got this laptop.
but there's always some excuse like fatigue or the intensity of summer intensives. but i need to write whether i write lyrics or prose.
so that's what the next 10 minutes will be used for. just 10. just 10. i promise.
Monday, May 14
home and music
i'm all for enjoying life. granted, i can't afford to be selfish about it all the time. but this past weekend reminded me that smiles are more important than money.
ah.
home.
and once again i got to enjoy music...it wasn't a perfect performance (i really have no vocal stamina) but it was a blessing to do and people said they were blessed so yay!
ah.
music.
ah.
home.
and once again i got to enjoy music...it wasn't a perfect performance (i really have no vocal stamina) but it was a blessing to do and people said they were blessed so yay!
ah.
music.
Wednesday, May 9
new job, new place
it's like....i don't know what it's like except that i'm so grateful...i'm not even giddy...just grateful. everything is beautiful in His time : )
now it's off to slumberville...with approximately 8 days till i sleep in a totally new space...
aaahh
now it's off to slumberville...with approximately 8 days till i sleep in a totally new space...
aaahh
Tuesday, May 8
surprise?!?!
happy almost birthday Justin!
good times were had by all. great summer salads, humas and pita...with ice cream and berries...a few "your mama" jokes...and the night ended with a quick set of Dutch Blitz! what more could you want? :)
one of my favourite parts of the pre surprise was when Justin said, "I need to mow my parent's lawn." my inner voice said, "don't freak out, play it cool, gently convince him that the grass doesn't need him tonight."
yay!
so, next year, same time, same place? haha
good times were had by all. great summer salads, humas and pita...with ice cream and berries...a few "your mama" jokes...and the night ended with a quick set of Dutch Blitz! what more could you want? :)
one of my favourite parts of the pre surprise was when Justin said, "I need to mow my parent's lawn." my inner voice said, "don't freak out, play it cool, gently convince him that the grass doesn't need him tonight."
yay!
so, next year, same time, same place? haha
Saturday, May 5
music
i really, really, really, really love music.
i mean i really, really, really, really, really love music.
i mean really!
Eau Claire Set
1. Be Thou My Vision/Precious Lord
2. Do You Love God--Ab
3. Come Holy Spirit--A
4. Love Made Music--F (original composition)
5. Give Me Jesus--F-G
i mean i really, really, really, really, really love music.
i mean really!
Eau Claire Set
1. Be Thou My Vision/Precious Lord
2. Do You Love God--Ab
3. Come Holy Spirit--A
4. Love Made Music--F (original composition)
5. Give Me Jesus--F-G
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