i'm forever buckling up my shoes...always preparing for something, dreaming up something big, hoping it'll happen yet too scared to work hard enough...afraid i'll fail.
so i'm forever buckling and seldom standing tall, walking confidently, head high, shoulders straight. i'm seated on that chair, couch, stool, bed, floor, making sure my shoes are secure. do they feel right? are they clean? do they match my outfit? do they add that extra edge?
by the time i start walking i'm 1/2 hour late and the sun is blazing. car-less, my legs make those quick short strides that heels prefer while perspiration helps my shirt change hues. i would have added a tank top but i was too busy buckling. i would have asked my roommate for a ride but i was too busy buckling. it's only a 5-minute walk but it feels like an eternity i can't afford to wait for. but my heels are comfortable. i'm quite proud of my purchase. they've lasted me a few years now and i'll probably never find another pair quite like them.
so now i'm not only late--i'm grateful. i'm a proud brown heel wearer though my steps reveal more nervous energy than anything else.
Perhaps you can't relate to the heels or the tardiness. But if you're a dreamer you can probably relate to the process. Some people call it "preparation" but there comes a moment when it crosses the line and becomes "procrastination." Why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves through all this torture, one dream after another constantly deferred?
Is it fear? I'm not so sure anymore. If it were fear would i even buckle my shoes?
Tuesday, July 31
Monday, July 30
1 word
as i sat on the extraordinarily huge beanbag watching a movie, my friend's cat hopped up and curled right into my side space. her presence made me think of the word "nurture."
for those who've seen me with cats, they know i'm not all googoo gaga over the little attitudy animals but i'll allow them into my world for a time and while they are there, i want to know that they're okay. once they leave i'm not too concerned.
but nurture, in its true sense, isn't a passing faze. so the "love" i show a cat is far from what i'd show to a human being--that's long term care...nurture.
yeah. nothing profound here people. it's 11:41...nothing profound. just momentary banter about "nurture."
for those who've seen me with cats, they know i'm not all googoo gaga over the little attitudy animals but i'll allow them into my world for a time and while they are there, i want to know that they're okay. once they leave i'm not too concerned.
but nurture, in its true sense, isn't a passing faze. so the "love" i show a cat is far from what i'd show to a human being--that's long term care...nurture.
yeah. nothing profound here people. it's 11:41...nothing profound. just momentary banter about "nurture."
Sunday, July 29
the message
you need to restart your computer. hold down the power button for several seconds or press the restart button.
that's the death message.
i've had it 3 times now.
i'm a bit afraid.
but the message isn't supposed to create fear. it's supposed to simply heighten awareness. there's no system failure but failure to connect a few dots here and there.
the message is not doom nor damnation. the message is a careful cautionary sign.
and if i'm not careful, i'll allow my grand levels of fatigue to keep me here, keep me rambling on in unnecessary attempts at smart prose.
so goodnight. deep thoughts come with sleep not the lack thereof.
that's the death message.
i've had it 3 times now.
i'm a bit afraid.
but the message isn't supposed to create fear. it's supposed to simply heighten awareness. there's no system failure but failure to connect a few dots here and there.
the message is not doom nor damnation. the message is a careful cautionary sign.
and if i'm not careful, i'll allow my grand levels of fatigue to keep me here, keep me rambling on in unnecessary attempts at smart prose.
so goodnight. deep thoughts come with sleep not the lack thereof.
Friday, July 27
from excitement to fear
fear...there's something to it...something useful. it's not that God can't use us when we're not fearful but fear humbles in a way that useful.
so now i'm useful...coz let me tell ya, i'm afraid!
afraid of saying foolishness
afraid of disgracing God
afraid that...
but why?
okay...so the "useful" thing only goes so far. once you pass humility to deer-in-headlights you've gone too far. that fear isn't useful, it gets you dead.
so i'm humbled by the reality that i'll never be enough, my words will never say enough. all i can do is surrender to the ability and willingness of God to speak through me, through the words i have prepared by his guidance. and that's that.
this is so bizarre. maybe i'll blog in full detail re. this process on sunday when it's all said and done and i can somewhat clearly reflect.
till then...later
so now i'm useful...coz let me tell ya, i'm afraid!
afraid of saying foolishness
afraid of disgracing God
afraid that...
but why?
okay...so the "useful" thing only goes so far. once you pass humility to deer-in-headlights you've gone too far. that fear isn't useful, it gets you dead.
so i'm humbled by the reality that i'll never be enough, my words will never say enough. all i can do is surrender to the ability and willingness of God to speak through me, through the words i have prepared by his guidance. and that's that.
this is so bizarre. maybe i'll blog in full detail re. this process on sunday when it's all said and done and i can somewhat clearly reflect.
till then...later
Wednesday, July 25
sermon...
i'm supposed to think about journeys. so instead of going to walmart with friends i'm going to ponder what a journey is both in dictionaries and in life (for the two aren't always mirror images) and i'm going to use this space to do so. of all the spaces i enjoy, this virtual world is quite enjoyable. i'm connected to the you who read this yet not. i don't know when you're reading it and even when you do i can't dialogue with you in real time. so i'm in my own world. consequently i don't always make sense coz i'm not taking the time to process and no one is questioning anything i say in the moment.
so back to the title...sermon. my sermon is about journeying with Jesus. don't worry i won't call it that. i do have a little more creativity in my bones. i think i may call it "outside the village" or "beyond Bethsaida" or maybe "the village" but that sounds too much like "village voice" which is a chicago zine.
i'm fascinated by Jesus' complex healing approach. he could have just touched the blind man. the people who brought the man to Jesus knew that which is why that was all they requested. they didn't as that he be healed. they just asked the Jesus touch the man coz they knew that a touch from Jesus meant wholeness. so Jesus touches but doesn't heal. he takes the man's hand and leads him outside the village--Bethsaida.
why outside? perhaps it's happenstance? nope. coz at the end Jesus clearly instructs the man not to go into the village. so there's something wrong with the village. what's wrong? it's filled with people who lack faith. in Luke 10 we read:
13"Woe to you, Korazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
14But it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon at the judgement than for you.
15And you, Capernaum, will you be lifted up to the skies? No, you will go down to the depths.
crazy huh? well, to us who have the luxury of reading the entire bible, who have the advantage of many stories to rest our faith upon, it does seem a bit crazy that anyone wouldn't believe after seeing all that Jesus did. but it's an age old problem God could make a really clear appearance in my life every day for 10 days and i'd still probably come up with reason to question the veracity of the experience. was it really him? was it my over-active imagination? etc.
Jesus didn't want the man he was about to heal to be healed in a space where a bunch of unconverted souls with no excuse existed. Jesus wanted the man in faith-space, in salvation space. coz when Jesus heals, he saves. he's more concerned with our eternal salvation anyway than with our physical state. that's why he healed the paralytics sins before healing his body. heal is another word for save. beautiful huh?
more tomorrow...
so back to the title...sermon. my sermon is about journeying with Jesus. don't worry i won't call it that. i do have a little more creativity in my bones. i think i may call it "outside the village" or "beyond Bethsaida" or maybe "the village" but that sounds too much like "village voice" which is a chicago zine.
i'm fascinated by Jesus' complex healing approach. he could have just touched the blind man. the people who brought the man to Jesus knew that which is why that was all they requested. they didn't as that he be healed. they just asked the Jesus touch the man coz they knew that a touch from Jesus meant wholeness. so Jesus touches but doesn't heal. he takes the man's hand and leads him outside the village--Bethsaida.
why outside? perhaps it's happenstance? nope. coz at the end Jesus clearly instructs the man not to go into the village. so there's something wrong with the village. what's wrong? it's filled with people who lack faith. in Luke 10 we read:
13"Woe to you, Korazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
14But it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon at the judgement than for you.
15And you, Capernaum, will you be lifted up to the skies? No, you will go down to the depths.
crazy huh? well, to us who have the luxury of reading the entire bible, who have the advantage of many stories to rest our faith upon, it does seem a bit crazy that anyone wouldn't believe after seeing all that Jesus did. but it's an age old problem God could make a really clear appearance in my life every day for 10 days and i'd still probably come up with reason to question the veracity of the experience. was it really him? was it my over-active imagination? etc.
Jesus didn't want the man he was about to heal to be healed in a space where a bunch of unconverted souls with no excuse existed. Jesus wanted the man in faith-space, in salvation space. coz when Jesus heals, he saves. he's more concerned with our eternal salvation anyway than with our physical state. that's why he healed the paralytics sins before healing his body. heal is another word for save. beautiful huh?
more tomorrow...
Tuesday, July 24
sermon
prep is good. eye opening. lovely.
i sat by the track and observed 3 journeys in progress. it was quite fascinating to see how differently life plays out based on our varying needs:
the barely 2 feet tall toddler is a soccer start in training. his dad must be patient and kick that ball around till the cows come home.
a young man receives martial arts instruction from a big brother figure. the big brother must be patient with each steady, deliberate movement.
a group of 50-odd high schoolers move about the field as they play Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" under the patient orders of their director. her tone is kind but she'll repeat segment one as often as necessary.
we're each on a journey. hopefully we're following the lead of someone who's patient.
i sat by the track and observed 3 journeys in progress. it was quite fascinating to see how differently life plays out based on our varying needs:
the barely 2 feet tall toddler is a soccer start in training. his dad must be patient and kick that ball around till the cows come home.
a young man receives martial arts instruction from a big brother figure. the big brother must be patient with each steady, deliberate movement.
a group of 50-odd high schoolers move about the field as they play Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" under the patient orders of their director. her tone is kind but she'll repeat segment one as often as necessary.
we're each on a journey. hopefully we're following the lead of someone who's patient.
Monday, July 23
bad words that come out of your mouth
it just shouldn't happen. it's unfortunate. but sometimes we really don't have more to say or we haven't had time to plan our attack. it's true...i've said some dumb things in my day. guess i feel okay about it coz i don't have a huge platform, i don't ever stand before thousands of people and talk politics. no one asks for and eagerly awaits my opinion on Darfur, Iraq, abortion (yeah, apparently people still want to know what politicians think about abortion), border control (just build a wall? really? some people's comments are astounding), etc.
people just ask me to sing. "just." guess my task is also very important. after all, when i haven't practiced and i just get up there and wail, it's messy. i do have to consider theology-appropriate lyrics (though some of those Southern Gospel songs about heaven/death/loved-ones-gone-before are almost beautifully irresistible!)
why am i trying to find common ground with politicians? because it's 10:20pm and i ate a chicken breast with minimal flavour and worthless sauce--that can't be good for the thought processes.
good night.
people just ask me to sing. "just." guess my task is also very important. after all, when i haven't practiced and i just get up there and wail, it's messy. i do have to consider theology-appropriate lyrics (though some of those Southern Gospel songs about heaven/death/loved-ones-gone-before are almost beautifully irresistible!)
why am i trying to find common ground with politicians? because it's 10:20pm and i ate a chicken breast with minimal flavour and worthless sauce--that can't be good for the thought processes.
good night.
Saturday, July 21
music
makes me
music
breaks me
it's who i am
and who i never want to be
yet lives inside of me
what's your music?
****
wrote that poem years ago...a decade at least. there's more to it. that part is what i remember most vividly. the words flow across my mind (why do we talk about the mind as if it's a road?) every now and then and i recall my shyness, my insecurity, my fear of meeting strangers, the safe haven i found in poetry...even mediocre poetry.
but music is more than poetry to me now. it's certainly an experience and when it's communal it's really incredible even if it's not perfect.
have you ever been on the receiving end of a crowd of people singing with love in their voices? it's quite grand...except for the millisecond delay....i could do without that. :)
last night was nice. this morning was too. and i'm praying for a lovely time tonight.
yay for music!
music
breaks me
it's who i am
and who i never want to be
yet lives inside of me
what's your music?
****
wrote that poem years ago...a decade at least. there's more to it. that part is what i remember most vividly. the words flow across my mind (why do we talk about the mind as if it's a road?) every now and then and i recall my shyness, my insecurity, my fear of meeting strangers, the safe haven i found in poetry...even mediocre poetry.
but music is more than poetry to me now. it's certainly an experience and when it's communal it's really incredible even if it's not perfect.
have you ever been on the receiving end of a crowd of people singing with love in their voices? it's quite grand...except for the millisecond delay....i could do without that. :)
last night was nice. this morning was too. and i'm praying for a lovely time tonight.
yay for music!
Wednesday, July 18
crisp
i was looking at a friend's facebook pics and there they were, several beautiful women posing in what looked like a crisp alberta air.
i miss that crisp cold, the kind where you can make do with a sweater though you know you should really add a jacket. but this way you can draw your shoulders in and scrunch your head down and shiver a lovely shiver as you step out of your car and saunter into your front door breathing deeply coz the day has been good and the air is clean.
and now you'll make yourself a cup of hot chocolate, coffee, tea...whichever suits your fancy...and you'll sip it with carefree intent as your mind recaps the good day.
later on, when your friend calls, you'll replace the sweater with a sweatshirt (all the protection you desire) and join her for a walk.
that first touch of alberta crisp gets your arms moving, creating a gentle stride that allows for calorie burn. soon you warm up enough to truly enjoy the crisp as it washes over your face.
ah.
breath deep.
again.
i can't believe i miss that. i can't believe i know it enough to miss it. i can't believe that's the only place i really think of as home home.
crisp...i'll return someday.
i miss that crisp cold, the kind where you can make do with a sweater though you know you should really add a jacket. but this way you can draw your shoulders in and scrunch your head down and shiver a lovely shiver as you step out of your car and saunter into your front door breathing deeply coz the day has been good and the air is clean.
and now you'll make yourself a cup of hot chocolate, coffee, tea...whichever suits your fancy...and you'll sip it with carefree intent as your mind recaps the good day.
later on, when your friend calls, you'll replace the sweater with a sweatshirt (all the protection you desire) and join her for a walk.
that first touch of alberta crisp gets your arms moving, creating a gentle stride that allows for calorie burn. soon you warm up enough to truly enjoy the crisp as it washes over your face.
ah.
breath deep.
again.
i can't believe i miss that. i can't believe i know it enough to miss it. i can't believe that's the only place i really think of as home home.
crisp...i'll return someday.
Saturday, July 14
favourite album
sara groves' "conversations"
i'm listening to it today realizing that i REALLY like just about every song...a rare occurrence for anyone i'm sure. my friend justin asked me the other day if there's an album i can listen to straight through and at the time i couldn't think of any. now i remember. yay sara!
my fav songs are:
conversations
this journey is my own
what do i know
going home (prime!!)
and all the rest fall closely behind.
now back to creating...
i'm listening to it today realizing that i REALLY like just about every song...a rare occurrence for anyone i'm sure. my friend justin asked me the other day if there's an album i can listen to straight through and at the time i couldn't think of any. now i remember. yay sara!
my fav songs are:
conversations
this journey is my own
what do i know
going home (prime!!)
and all the rest fall closely behind.
now back to creating...
quiet time
i really enjoy it.
i
am
an introvert!
i love people, mind you. i like to sit in a room filled with people and do my own thing. and many other times, i actually like interacting with them, too : )
i
am
an introvert!
i love people, mind you. i like to sit in a room filled with people and do my own thing. and many other times, i actually like interacting with them, too : )
Tuesday, July 10
gone
this blog is over...well, for now. don't know if i'll feel inspired to write in this space again. why? what happened? oh i dunno. i just don't feel like it any more.
so if you want to read me, just google "wordhabit." i'm always somewhere out here in web space, always current...somewhere...making words my habit...
so if you want to read me, just google "wordhabit." i'm always somewhere out here in web space, always current...somewhere...making words my habit...
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