swift change

burnout destroys creativity, faith, and a multitude of other things. the worst is when burnout is caused by all the "good" things like ministry, service, a good work ethic, etc...

goodness in moderation...i have to find a proper balance. i can't return to where i was these last few days.

i'm just thankful for the swift change. today was really good. i can't explain it all--i should really be asleep--i'll just say that when i ran out of desire i still talked to God in some distant, muddled tones. and He listened and read below all surface mutter. He found the truth in places i couldn't even find--i wanted a change. and He brought it swiftly by placing me in a space that helped me see myself and helped me stop trying.

so i did. and before i knew it i was peaceful...

yellow

Bible
Originally uploaded by Complicated Philosophy

not wanting to be anything else and too blind to see that i could be anything else, i said that i was green. green is the colour of certainty. green says that i want to follow God completely and that i'm doing what i can to spread the Word.

but right now i think i'm pretty yellow and i think it's because i'm overwhelmed by all the stuff in my head, the stuff i'd rather not have to think about like hebrew and grading. and beyond that, more important than that, i don't want to dedicate time to being consistently green. coz i'm still human so all my green successes are fleeting if i don't put in the time, the prep, the grunt work...

...like reading the Bible.
...like praying for more than food and travel.
...like...

so now what?

sure, i have green moments. most of them are when i'm singing or preparing to sing. and i'd like to believe that that's more proof that i need to do music most, if not all, the time. but then what about the down time? what happens when there's no performance for a week? what happens then? will i still pick up a Bible?

it's the down time that speaks truth, i think. when the music fades and all is stripped away...(sorry, couldn't help it)...that's when i know if i'm green or yellow, if i'm hot or lukewarm, if i'm on the right side of the fence or attaching a pillow to barbed wire.

i don't want to be anything else but i'm awake enough to see the truth and i admit it--i'm far from that perfect mix of yellow and blue. instead, i'm yellow....and that makes me blue...

and what was a serious blog moment has now become a complete revelation of my need for sleep.

till later...
wh

t dot

so i ventured out of suburbia for the afternoon with my friend L. we rode the 'burb train to the big city train then walked into apple-land...where we experienced bad customer service. ...and then good customer service...but the bad memory remains...

though frustrated, we refused to allow apple-land to change our minds about our apple products. (okay, let's be real, once you've dropped that many dollars, you've got to stay committed somehow.)so we continued our big city venture by stopping in various stores to observe inflation at its best and fashion at its worst. you know you're getting old when you just can't seem to be okay with the new trends. you try. you give them a chance. you even have friends who wear them. but you still won't budge.sticking with what we know and appreciate, we came upon a few choice items and made a couple of purchases with our personal style and comfort in mind.
to end our sojourn we chowed down some scrumptious apple crumble, giving the experience time, however, to simmer.
and then...

the ride home...

hilarious!!!

by this time we were both tired and in need of a proper supper. we scanned the boards for our train, found it, and rushed to catch it. settling for two seats on the top level, we waited for departure.

then.......................... the word "west" came floating innocently out of the speakers to which L responded with,

did he say "whessst"? get off! now! get off!

...yeah...we wanted to go east.

so down the stairs we hustled , afraid the train would begin to chug. knowing better this time, we headed to the right train, took our seats, and laughed at ourselves!

and so we ended our city sojourn. content. tired. hungry. 2lbs light from laughter. i call that success!

5-step plan...suggestions anyone?

i'm trying to plan ahead better. today, i realized another part of my time problem: as much as i like paying attention to detail, i don't like to process the finer details necessary for executing my own stuff unless i really, really, really want to do something and it's easy. and i'm seldom THAT interested. for example: i really want to get my exegesis paper done in the next two days but it's not THAT important to me so it's not even halfway done. on the other hand, i really, really, really want to improve my pool game so i play every day. it's highly unlikely that pool will improve my seminary grades. but what's primarily important to me right now is that i'm not at school. so i don't really want to do ANYTHING that really matters (honestly). though i want to get them out of my hair, i don't want to grade papers. though i want new frames, i don't want to go to the vision store.

and, i want bite-sized things...exegesis isn't bite-size neither is grading. getting glasses is easier coz my mum drove me there today. thankfully, i can check that off the list. but my mum isn't holding my hand through all things (fortunately...or unfortunately) so i've got to get to the point where i can suck up my fatigue, my boredom, etc, and just do what needs to be done in a timely fashion.

so i won't play pool today after all. i'll get back to papers. oh, and let me add this. there is one project for a class that i've almost completed since being here. all we have to do is compile 24 articles, 8 of which have already been provided. i've almost finished collecting them and i'll print them all when i get back to school (to save my parents the ink!).

...i guess this project makes me realize that even when i'm not tired i just want to do things (pertaining to me) that i know will end soon and simply. i grab 16 articles off databases, print them, punch 3 holes into them, stick them in a 2" ring binder that's divided up into 6 sections, add a graphically simple and visually pleasing cover page, and call 'er good! i can see the steps in all their simplicity. nothing's complicated. there's very little room for error. the only horrible thing that may happen is that my printer runs out of ink. but the project isn't due till 3 weeks from now so there's time to buy more ink.

if i have to pay attention to the details in someone else's life, i'm fine. that's why it's possible for me to have the part-time job i have. but if i have to pay attention to the details in my life, i'm exhausted by the mere idea, turned off by the possible glitches--i'm a dreamer.

so as much as i'd like a personal assistant, i don't need one--i just need to slow down, develop a 5-step process for working through the many things that pop up. and i need that 5-step plan so that i don't find myself where i presently am, with my hands in a multitude of projects/events/etc.

miss

to miss is to fail to do a variety of things such as:

touch
catch
notice
attend to
have a meeting
include
reach
experience

i don't want fail
but i keep on missing
even when you're present

i shouldn't be on here but

i just want to say that i'm happy.

okay.

good night.