after this

i'm in the midst of a class that's forcing me to wonder about my place in the worship-music world. i want to do music. i want to worship. but i don't want to do worship music all the time. it's not because i don't enjoy worship. it's just hard for me to know how i can possibly spend the rest of my life leading worship. what, then, happens to my teaching and my writing? perhaps i teach in terms of mentoring and perhaps i write in terms of creating liturgy and letting other people know what i'm working with and experiencing, the sorts of lessons i've learned--after all, others need to be informed. 

maybe that's it. maybe i should be looking for a worship leading position. after all, i want to mentor, i want to be able to have the platform to intentionally connect with potential leaders and grow them. i've so often complained about the lack of "equipping" and though i'm tired of that word use the reality still stands: we're not being taught.

yes, i want to teach. and i want to share through written words. but i want to sing even more than those. i want to be able to grow in my singing, deepen my knowledge and sharpen my practice. how do i do that if i'm busy planning services unless i'm getting paid?!? and even if i am, what time will there be to improve my craft?

i'm not money-hungry. trust me. but i want to be able to do what i do best (and can do better) all the time--no side gigs, no moonlighting, just music.

after this, when school is over and graduation processionals are through...then what? how will i do music? how will i write? how will i teach? how will i use what God has given me and has encouraged me to use for his glory, his kingdom, the blessing of his people?

what we say

impressed.

• i feel impressed to say...

believe.

• i believe that you are...

think.

• i think that you should...

(insert excrement from the body of a huge cud-chewing male mammal)

who told us that we have to always know what to say?
how dare we believe it?

yes, sometimes SOMETIMES we have the right words at the right time given by the Right Man. but so often we work solely from our well-intentioned minds, minds not yet in sync with divine revelation.

the result?
a mind/heart further depressed
heightened scepticism and fear
bad things...a lot of bad things

i'm not suggesting we never offer advice.
i only ask that we be more careful.
i only ask that i be more careful.

gerny

i just spelled journey that way. yes. i did it. as i excitedly typed away at my exegesis paper, i spelled g-e-r-n-y as the voice in my head said journey.

yes. yes, i did it.

yes, yes, i can make mistakes.

yes

i

can

history belongs

to those who pray.

that's the lyric and it sort of scares me. there's something to be said for owning the past and for owning it because you prayed and believed and God answered in agreement with your prayer.

if i only believed.

i used to avoid cooking as if it were a leprosy conduit. i know--melodrama. but honestly, i'd rather wash dishes, mop the floor, take care of the messes that people make because they decided to cook. then somehow, amidst my resistance, i started to cook...and enjoy it. i realized that i had to find a method that worked for me. there's value in that. we each learn differently and consequently, our culinary experiences also differ. i need color, order, simplicity and a touch of challenge. a well written recipe is golden. a great picture is a treat. brevity is also welcomed. so now i cook more often. it helps to have a boyfriend who loves to cook. i enjoy being sous-chef and as we work together i learn a lot of the basics and more of the options. so i wake up sunday mornings and i want, i desire...to cook.

and i believe.

part of the reason why i haven't been on top of all my assignments this semester is because i've really enjoyed working on my exegesis paper. great subject, great process, great discovery...i'd rather do research than do my hair (that's amazing). many an afternoon have been spent trying to figure out structure and meaning. there's such satisfaction in those moments. even if i don't write another 200 words, i feel accomplished just having reviewed what is already there. it's like a good sentence or a great desert, a subtly beautiful lyric or a gaze you find rest in. it makes me think twice about a phd and causes me to remember the book i started to write...and may not finish writing...

and i find joy there.

what if i prayed more and i prayed for more and i really believed that God would answer according to my belief? 

...i messed up

it has been a couple months since my resolve: to tell people that i'm not sure what i'm doing post MDiv, that i don't know where God's leading, but i know it's something beyond what i can imagine.

well, just yesterday i forgot that resolve. let's be real. when a potential future employer says "so what do you want to do post MDiv" you don't want to say "i don't know." so i didn't say that and while what i said wasn't a lie, it just didn't work. so what did is say? it went a little like this: (pfe=potential future employer)

well, there are three things i want to be able to do simultaneously...blah blah blah...

(pfe gave me an awkward "o-kay" sort of look)

i want to sing, write, and teach...blah blah blah...

(pfe continued to look awkward and responded with:)

well you should probably be in touch with the education department...

and that's when i knew that somehow along the way i'd messed up. i got pfe thinking so much about the fact that i enjoy teaching that pfe thought i should be pursing a phd in education. but that's so far from what i want. as much as i'm sure i can hack it, i don't want to be a full-time administrator. how did pfe not hear me say "music" and "writing"? i was so confused and quickly slipped into i'm-not-really-paying-attention-to-you-anymore mode with "end conversation now!" flashing in my head.

oh, it was a bit painful. on one hand i was glad i did it, glad i ventured out of my comfort zone even with just one pfe. on the other hand i wished i hadn't, wished i had enough confidence in the unknown to leave my future alone and focus on the present ethics midterm.

and yet, (on my third hand) i wished i knew how to present myself better, more confidently, with a better idea of what i wanted out of the interaction before it even happened. oh, regret. i should have thought through it all more. knowing i don't want to be a pastor, i should have thought through all the possible things i could learn from talking to pfe that would benefit my unknown future. 

i didn't have time. that's my excuse...it's weak. 

if i could turn back time...i'd say:

i'm taking this time to really develop a firmer foundation--what do i believe? what does the Bible say? etc.

hold on! i did say this...it's part of the blah blah blah above. but somehow pfe got stuck on "teaching." what did i do to make pfe stuck? was pfe simply not practicing good reflecting skills or did my word order create a block for pfe? what should i have said?

who am i kidding? God wants me to sing, write, and teach.

can i say that? can i drop that line on pfes? i dunno. but in the meantime, i'll continue dropping that line on myself and doing all i can to get ready for the unknown that i'll soon call my full time gig.