...i messed up

it has been a couple months since my resolve: to tell people that i'm not sure what i'm doing post MDiv, that i don't know where God's leading, but i know it's something beyond what i can imagine.

well, just yesterday i forgot that resolve. let's be real. when a potential future employer says "so what do you want to do post MDiv" you don't want to say "i don't know." so i didn't say that and while what i said wasn't a lie, it just didn't work. so what did is say? it went a little like this: (pfe=potential future employer)

well, there are three things i want to be able to do simultaneously...blah blah blah...

(pfe gave me an awkward "o-kay" sort of look)

i want to sing, write, and teach...blah blah blah...

(pfe continued to look awkward and responded with:)

well you should probably be in touch with the education department...

and that's when i knew that somehow along the way i'd messed up. i got pfe thinking so much about the fact that i enjoy teaching that pfe thought i should be pursing a phd in education. but that's so far from what i want. as much as i'm sure i can hack it, i don't want to be a full-time administrator. how did pfe not hear me say "music" and "writing"? i was so confused and quickly slipped into i'm-not-really-paying-attention-to-you-anymore mode with "end conversation now!" flashing in my head.

oh, it was a bit painful. on one hand i was glad i did it, glad i ventured out of my comfort zone even with just one pfe. on the other hand i wished i hadn't, wished i had enough confidence in the unknown to leave my future alone and focus on the present ethics midterm.

and yet, (on my third hand) i wished i knew how to present myself better, more confidently, with a better idea of what i wanted out of the interaction before it even happened. oh, regret. i should have thought through it all more. knowing i don't want to be a pastor, i should have thought through all the possible things i could learn from talking to pfe that would benefit my unknown future. 

i didn't have time. that's my excuse...it's weak. 

if i could turn back time...i'd say:

i'm taking this time to really develop a firmer foundation--what do i believe? what does the Bible say? etc.

hold on! i did say this...it's part of the blah blah blah above. but somehow pfe got stuck on "teaching." what did i do to make pfe stuck? was pfe simply not practicing good reflecting skills or did my word order create a block for pfe? what should i have said?

who am i kidding? God wants me to sing, write, and teach.

can i say that? can i drop that line on pfes? i dunno. but in the meantime, i'll continue dropping that line on myself and doing all i can to get ready for the unknown that i'll soon call my full time gig.