Now What?

So Sex Week ended yesterday...(I'm actually writing this on Friday so that I don't have to think about it tomorrow...not because sex is bad to think about on Saturday but because this practice of blogging every day of the week has been exhausting and that's not how I wish to spend Sabbath.)

The other day I wondered, "What will the students do once Sex Week ends?" It's not that I think something negative will erupt but that I wonder how well the conversation will continue and whether or not I should play an active part in that.

This week it has been very difficult for me not to feel self-righteous, judgmental, and the like. With almost every post I felt as though someone, somewhere was reading my words and glaring at me, hoping for an opportunity to publicly shame me for speaking against something they value or do. This week I often wondered if entering the conversation in this way was helpful especially as someone who has never written 7 blog posts in a row and who has never written or spoken this much about sex.

Sure, I can see that people are reading the posts via the stats log but in the end was this just me exercising freedom of speech for the sake of a few high fives?

And I wonder if any of the organizers and supporters of Sex Week have any such feelings themselves. From the meetings I attended, they clearly went to great lengths to not only promote the week but expose students to a variety of perspectives, some of which I found very helpful. The week wasn't just about having sex but about notions of sexuality and sexual practice. Health professionals were on hand to talk with students, professors moderated healthy discussions. This was no small effort.

But now what? What happens next? Will this become an annual event? Will it become just an event? Has sex become just an event? Is it worth fighting for change?

There are a lot of things we try to do in our various spheres of influence, be they big or small. Sometimes we make a great impact. Sometimes we fail miserably. Sometimes we hear crickets. Whatever the case, I hope you'll take this last thing to heart. I learned it on Thursday, a day that's been the most peaceful day of the week thus far. I've been stressed about a lot of things, processing a lot of thoughts from the moment I wake up to the moment I finally fall asleep. It has been a week. And by Thursday morning I'd had it.

I prayed. I'd been praying all week but I reached the point of, "I'm so done with this."And at that point, God clearly brought these words to my mind:

What have I asked you to do? Do it faithfully. 

And that's what's now.

***

Thank you for reading, for joining the conversation and sharing it with others. Hopefully we'll each be faithful with what we've been asked to do. Hopefully we'll each stick to what we've been asked to do. Now to take a blogging break.

Shalom.

The Non-Sex Stuff that Affects Sex

We often hear the question, "How far is too far?" and it's asked within the context of having sex.

Well, there's another question that we should, perhaps, be a bit more concerned about. It goes like this: What's that stuff that isn't sex that will impact my decision to have sex and the actual act of having sex in a negative way?

I got the "guard the avenues to your heart" talk when I was young. I'm not sure who gave me that talk but I know I got it. What I didn't get was, "What are your thoughts about how sex will/can be and where have those thoughts come from?" Had these questions been posed, followed by an in-depth exploration of the root of my ideas on sex, it would have increased my awareness and wisdom tenfold. And these are conversations that should have, ideally, been ongoing. Instead of one sex-ed class in 8th grade, adding more conversations sprinkled across high school and college would have been golden because we are maturing. Even though I maintained a stance that I wouldn't have sex till marriage, my ideas about sex were changing because my encounters with sexuality were growing and becoming more complex. And it's not that I had questions, necessarily, that weren't being answered. There are many things I've never questioned not because I was afraid to but because I didn't know there was a question.

So I'm an example of the type of person who's benefited tremendously from random people taking it upon themselves to educate those around them about the complexities and sometimes the ridiculous surprises of sex. Here are two things that may help you unpack...

Chick Flick Ideation
In good stereotypical woman fashion, I love a love story. But when I realized that many of these love stories were creating in me a very unrealistic view of not only sex but dating, communication, marriage, men's roles, women's roles, and more, I began cutting back. This was before I was even dating the man who's now my husband. Even now that I'm married, I sometimes see how the ideas I picked up from film are affecting how I view my husband's actions. How awful is that? Comparing my husband to a conglomeration of fictional male characters who are underdeveloped and unrealistic? Note to self: if it can happen in and hour and 50 minutes, it probably can't happen in real life.

And it's not just the chick flicks, the pornography...it's not just media. There are a variety of misinformed sources that plague us in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Yet instead of simply saying, "Be careful what you let into your head," we also need to ask, "What is in your head?" and unpack things from there.

Time Spent
The more time we spend together, the closer we become, the more we feel like we should be together...even if the relationship isn't the healthiest and even if we're not yet having sex.

Who we spend our time with and how we spend that time when we're with them will, inevitably, affect how we view a lot of life. Ignoring problem points that come up between you instead of learning to communicate properly and argue well? So excited to be together so you give in to what the other person wants just to keep the relationship? These are just a couple of the things that affect sex, even if you're not having it. How so?

A couple needs to be able to speak clearly about sexual expectations: what kind, how often, etc. If you don't know how to communicate well in other areas of your relationship, it'll hurt your communication about sex. You can't ignore that. Even if you don't have sex till years from now, start practicing healthy communication now.

And giving in just to keep the relationship will set you up for sex failure. Sex is supposed to pleasure both people. You'll only be able to acquiesce for a little while when it comes to sex. Eventually your frustrations will overwhelm the relationship.

So how are you spending your time?

That's all for now...

***

Now What?: That's our final topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

WWPD--What Would Paul Do?

Today I'm definitely speaking specifically to people who use the term Christian to define their faith journey. I'm also clearly making (as I always do) a few assumptions about what that means based on what I've learned and believe about God. We can't get away from that. So if you find yourself responding with, "That's ridiculous!" please ask yourself and spend time replying to this wonderfully layered question: What's my faith framework? 

***

As Christians, we often try to make decisions based on what the Bible has to say. This is a normal process, something we consider a good part of faith and practice.

The trouble is that we often take it too far, attempting to find a literal "thus saith the Lord" for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. and refusing to take responsibility for what we've already been told. And then, as a Christian, there's this thing called faith. So we know that we're not supposed to have a litteral "thus said the Lord" for everything and we've been taught to surrender to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Yet we often find ourselves right back in a fear-driven space that's void of commitment. 

Well, in talking with a ministry colleague the other day, I learned a new way to read the Bible. The pastor said something like, "Don't say WWJD to students; say WWPD because Paul is seemingly so much more radical." We laughed. I can imagine the reaction now: "It's better to be celibate???? That's the higher calling?"

So what would Paul do or, perhaps, what would Paul first say to us about our current sex culture and specifically about the having of sex?

I'm not sure but from what Paul did say and do, I'm quite sure he'd take the hard road no matter what it looks like. First he might begin his letter with something about how much he values us, how much he prays for us. Then he'd call us, his congregation, to pursue a lifestyle that's extremely counter-cultural and uncomfortable. Perhaps he'd name it a thorn and implore us to persevere, reminding us that this struggle is bigger than us and that God is with us. Eventually he'd wrap things up with the grace of Jesus Christ and we'd be left feeling pumped to pursue the written will of God. That is, until someone uttered the word, "Huh?" And someone would, because today we don't take words from "on high" to heart nearly as readily as people have done in times passed. And regardless of times, there's always at least one person, it seems, who'll bravely speak from their hip when the topic is hard to hear.

I guess, from what I've been able to imagine, I don't think Paul would have anything to say that would satisfy us. And even if we go back to our WWJD position, we probably won't find anything there that satisfies, either.

But what if we're not looking for literals? What if we're willing to look at the big salvation picture, the reality that what God has wanted since He created is to commune with us, His creations. And with the entrance of sin, we've not been able to do that well at all. So the sacrifice of Jesus gives us an opportunity to enter into a life-giving relationship that, if we surrender to, will transform us and one day get us back to face-to-face communion with God. The sex questions we struggle with now, the decisions we make about sex, all of that should be guided by this overarching narrative within which God says,

I made you and want to spend time with you (Genesis 1& 2) yet not everyone agrees (Genesis 3-Revelation 20). So I've been doing all I can (Whole Thing) to have a relationship with you. Please commune with Me, stay with Me (John 15) and help others do the same (Matthew 28; Micah 6:8) so that one day all who are with Me can move on with Me to perfect times (Revelation 21, 22).*

If you're reading the Bible, searching for direction, then read on; read it all. And as you read and after you read, if Jesus is Lord to you then ask the Holy Spirit to lead you to what you should know and what you should do. Then listen. And listen. And listen some more. Then, when you know that you've heard and what you've heard, follow. Respect it. I know that's hard to do yet we must.

***

The Non-Sex Stuff that Affects Sex: That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

*Don't worry. I know these passages don't represent everything.

Abstinence Isn't Enough

We've come to day 4.

From comments like "keep your legs closed" to "keep yourself pure" to "this is a moral standard," I get a clear sense that we don't talk about abstinence in enough detail. The first comment suggests that you're able to simply shut off hormones, desires, thoughts... The second comment suggests that purity is something you can achieve on your own. The third, often used in organizational contexts, suggests policy over people. And I'm sure there are various other conclusions you can also draw from these and other words that we seem to toss over our shoulder in passing or yell out from a position of power expecting that folks will just get it.

But it's not enough to say, "do this" or "don't do this" and it has never been enough. Fortunately, so to speak, there was a time when more people questioned authority less. My parents told me what to do and I did it. I didn't often ask why. That way of being is now antiquated. We need to answer, properly answer, the question, "Why?"

Why isn't it enough to say that we should abstain from sexual activity? It's not enough because the consequences aren't simple. We've talked about some of those in the last two days, the good and the bad results of having sex. You can read those here and here.

Part of the "more" we should be saying has to do with viewing ourselves holistically. Everything I do impacts everything I do which impacts how I am with others and even how I am with the earth. That's not some strange idea. The peppermint tea I'm currently drinking is positively impacting the yucky way my throat felt from getting up very early this morning. This has, in turn, helped my yucky frustrations dissipate and I'm in a better frame of mind to write and to interact with others--true story. And as I go on with my day, I'm sure I'll be able to talk more about how all these various dots connect for better...and for worse.

So if my life is filled with these sorts of ripple effects, shouldn't I be thinking carefully about the various things I'm doing? I suppose that matters most if I'm thinking beyond this moment and beyond myself, part of what's lacking from discussions on sexuality.

Here and Now
I just heard about an app geared toward gay, bisexual and bi-curious men and enabling them to find each other via GPS. This app makes it easier for men to find other men who fit their profile and they can quickly connect wherever they are. It's known as a hookup app. There's a related app by the same creator that's geared toward people who are straight. It functions in a similar manner to the first and helps men and women meet. It's a way to make friends, hangout, etc.

Both apps speak, in part, to our desire to have things as quickly as possible. My parents used to talk about the benefits of group dating at church social events, taking time to check people out and see how they interact with others before spending time alone. In 2013 this takes a whole lot more effort than it did in 1963 and church culture isn't quite what it used to be. In addition, not everyone ascribes to church culture anyway. So we want and need new ways of connecting and we want ways that don't take so long even if we don't want to have sex right away. But the bottom line is that we're very easily more focused on here and now than on there and later, the time when a lot of what we've done here and now may kick us in the rear.

But that all depends on what the present time involves. Are we willing to wrestle with the fact that we may live for a while and that it'll be really great to be old and healthy and that some of the things we're doing now don't have "old and healthy" in mind? Healthy refers not just to physical health but emotional health. Look around. Some of the crazy norms we possess and our friends posses are the result of what our parents and grandparents did. Our norms are part of the ripple effect.

Beyond Me
And that's a perfect segway to talking about how what I do impacts other people. Family is an easy space within which to see good and bad thought patterns and behaviors passed along from generation to generation. It's also interesting to look at how "chick flicks" develop various expectations in women regarding how men should treat them.

Now, to think about how everything we say and do is received by other people can be a bit overwhelming. "How will person X respond to my consumption of peppermint tea? What if they know I haven't yet had breakfast, how will that impact their feelings about food?" Yeah, it's not the most practical approach to life all the time. I'm actually not trying to suggest that we become ridiculous but that we honor each other by not knowingly saying and doing things that taint another person's future.

And maybe that's part of the problem Maybe we don't know that what we're doing sexually will negatively impact someone else. Maybe we've been modeled "what's in it for me?" so much that our first thought is "me" all the time and to think of "you" first would not be natural. Maybe that's so.

But the sex we have, whatever kind it is, will always impact someone else and sometimes the impact will be bad because we've been selfish. The sex we have helps form our ideas about ourselves which, in turn, affects how we relate to others. If the sex we have causes us to think of ourselves as conquerors in sex then we will think of the person we're having sex with as the conquered and we will potentially pursue them as prey. No one who has been preyed upon feels like a champion after they've been captured. No one. I know that sounds like a dramatic scenario but it's not uncommon especially in a hookup culture and it reveals a bit more of the ripple effect.

Conclusions?
It's not enough to just tell people to practice abstinence and it's not enough to celebrate your virgin status. We have to think longterm and we have to think about others. You can close your legs for a lifetime and become the most self-centered person who's of no use to the community around you if you don't get out of your navel. And sorry, having sex won't automatically heal and free you.

***

WWPD--What Would Paul Do? That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

Consequences Part 2

When I think of people I know who aren't experiencing sex (or intimacy of any kind) in a healthy, committed way, I see insecurity. It's sad, really. I want people to be secure in who they are and in who their with and I want that security to come from a really healthy space, one that doesn't clutter their world with more baggage. And that's what happens outside of healthy commitment.

Now here's an expanded version of the positive in addition to the negative consequences.

      1. Intimacy increases/decreases
Intimacy is related to privacy which is why we're not intimate with everyone we meet. We're not interested in everyone knowing everything about us. That's normal, healthy behavior and it doesn't mean you're not being vulnerable (something that's' quite healthy, also). Vulnerability is another topic for another week.

We need privacy. We need for people not to know us physically in a random manner. This level of knowing, of revealing, makes us more vulnerable to STDs and parenthood that we aren't mature enough to commit to (old news, I'm sure.) In time, it also reduces what was private. We should be fighting harder for sexual privacy (as in not sharing who we are so freely) than we do for privacy from the government.

And as what was private becomes public, intimacy decreases. The mystery is gone. The depth is lost. And it's likely that we'll become less trusting.

      2. Trust increases/decreases
Building trust is something we need and want to be able to do. Like privacy, it's normal and healthy. When you lack sexual privacy, you make yourself and the people you're allowing to know you sexually, less capable of being able to identify people who are filled with integrity and want the best for you sexually. Sexual "freedom" perpetuates skepticism about the world because the more sex you have with different people, the more you expose yourself to people who don't actually care for you sexually or otherwise. These are people who aren't interested in you, personally, before they're interested in you sexually. That opens you up to more hurt, to more sexual frustration. People have different sexual expectations so if you're always looking for sexual pleasure, you're going to experience disappointment which will lead to frustration--in yourself (feeling you're not performing well) in others (because you don't think your sexual partners are performing well). You will increasing feel as though they're selfish because they're not trying to do more for you and the feeling will be mutual. This frustration yields more distrust.

This doesn't mean that all you need is to say you're in a committed relationship so, therefore, you can start having sex. This also doesn't mean that just because a couple is married means they should be having sex, either. In an age where commitment in marriage is waining, the key is commitment. And it's one of the keys to sexual openness. Committing to someone is much more than saying we love each other. It's committing to growing together and if you're committed to growing with someone then you're committing to understanding who they are, how you fit into that picture and how you can commit to helping them experience not just sexual fulfillment but fulfillment in every other area of life.

So yes, there's this privacy clause that's part of having sex and if you open yourself up and allow yourself to experience the lack of privacy, then you're allowing yourself to experience the lack of trust, the lack of safety.

So let's talk more about safety by talking about commitment.

      3. Commitment increases/decreases
Commitment is always for a period of time. Your job may send you oversees for 2 years. That's a form of commitment. Another form could be some sort of topical small group gathering that lasts for 6 weeks.

Friendship* is similar except that we don't go into any relationship thinking that it'll only last a certain amount of weeks or months or years. We unconsciously think lifetime, permanent not temporary. Temporary friendships are typically caused by a breakdown in trust and we experience frustration/hurt/sadness when that happens...unless we're so emotionally broken that we're able to seemingly distance ourselves from it all.

If this is the way we are naturally--inclined to want something that stays--then when we think about committing to someone sexually, why don't we think permanently? Whether you want to call that marriage or partnership, there is this real aspect of being together permanently.

Commitment is deep, it's hard, it's layered. It's wonderful to know when you have a committed relationship, to know that even when you're a jerk, you're going to work through stuff. That's huge like an orgasm. An orgasm is no simple thing. You shouldn't be sharing that mystifying act with everyone.

There's another negative consequence related to sex and commitment. Having sex can also cause you to commit to someone you shouldn't commit to. Many people have become "free" with their sexuality and have allowed themselves to move from one partner to the next. But there are others who still believe in commitment and as a result of having sex with that person, they start believing that they should commit. That's normal, it's healthy. Except that the person you feel you should commit to isn't necessarily the person you should commit to.

Whatever we believe, we want to commit to something. We don't like committing to something we can't be proud of, something we're only 40% convinced about. So with a human being, with friendships, we're not going to grow with someone who we only like spending 40% of our energy on. Sex has a way of connecting people  and if we're not wiling to recognize that for what it is, to surrender to what that is, then we're prone to experience a lot of pain and cause others a lot of pain also. Sooner or later you realize the person, outside of the sex that could be great, isn't what you want. But the guilt that's grown (which you could say is the consequence of a particular faith upbringing but I'd argue is there in spite of that) is not what you want to experience.

There's intimacy, this opening up of a private space by partaking in a very private act. There's trust that deepens as intimacy is shared repeatedly. And there's commitment, the desire to stay together, to grow together. They are all good consequences of sexual activity but outside of an already committed space, one that says, "I'm here for you even if we can never have sex" these consequences turn negative and it takes a while to heal from the damage they cause.

To have sex is not simply to have sex...no matter what kind of sex it is.

***

Abstinence Isn't Enough: That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

*By friendship, I mean friendship, not acquaintanceship. Wikipedia spells it out more clearly.

Consequences Part 1

There are many. I'll just focus on a few. Remember, we're talking about the having of sex.

Why focus on consequences? The hook-up culture, especially on college campuses, reveals our decreased focus on consequences, on long-term costs/benefits. In addition, we're more focused on "what's in it for me?" than "what's in it for us?" which goes hand in hand with our self-centered approach to life on many levels.

Another reason to focus on consequences is our growing desire to make everything permissive--"you be you, I'll be me...no judgment" when in reality, we can't all be "free to be me" at all times. This sort of freedom within the context of having sex is frightening.

So here we go. We'll focus first on the positive consequences of having sex.

1. Intimacy increases because you reveal to each other something that is very private 
2. Trust increases as this private revelation increases and you both honor what's been revealed
3. Commitment increase because as trust increases, you have good reason to believe that you should stay together...and you want to.

***

Consequences Part 2. That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

Yes, it matters. But of course!

I'm talking about sex...the having of it.

It's not simply a topic, an expression, a choice. It's this deep, layered, and somewhat mystifying act even if you don't believe in God. And it's this way regardless of any other thing you can think of that creates an "us/them" sort of separation: class, race, gender, ethnicity, sexual preference...you get the picture. No matter what you believe about anything, no matter who you are, sex matters.

The act of sex isn't something you stumble into. There's no "oops" in it, no "how did we get here?" Unless the sex you've had is the result of abuse, unless you've been drugged or are somehow otherwise unconscious (all subjects I will not enter into here), you're making a very conscious choice. And with that very conscious choice, you're entering into a world of emotions and consequences that cannot be undone, for better or for worse. When it's your first time, you probably don't know quite how all the mechanics of it work (unless your partner is experienced and can instruct you) but you're still making a conscious decision. And that decision matters.

I'll never forget being an undergrad at a small liberal arts college and having a seminarian talk to a group of us in a rec room about what happens when people have sex. I was probably there to shoot pool or just hang out with friends. There was no planned talk. I suppose the seminarian knew his audience, one he had a relationship with, and boldly walked where many (regretfully) fear to tread.

He discussed the implications of a man entering into a woman. and how once one man has entered into a woman consistently, the two fit each other physically. So for another man to enter into that same woman would be like putting on an incorrectly sized sock. The new man doesn't belong. A physical connection forms with the first, an emotional connection that cannot be undone. The two have become one.*

Something in my head said, "This sex-ed is out of control." And something else said, "Listen carefully." and I did. It stuck, clearly. (At least 17 years have passed since that moment.) I came away knowing that even if all the details the seminarian shared weren't 100% accurate, his main point was crystal clear. Sex matters--don't take it lightly.

Are you taking it lightly?

It's not a pair of shoes that have a 30-day return policy, one that says, "Use the shoes as much as you like and if within 30 days you decide they're not for you, send them back and we'll refund your money. No questions asked." In that scenario, a bad fit may cause some soreness. You may need to see a podiatrist. But when you have a money-back guarantee on shoes, you probably won't punish yourself by wearing a pair that don't fit; therefore, the consequences (other than processing time) will be minimal.

And it's not this thing you just do to let the person you love know that you're committed to them. It's not that simplistic.

Why do I care so much? In university contexts, the hook-up culture is growing and in our wider culture context, sex has become further and further detached from commitment...and that's very likely partly due to our inability or unwillingness to admit that sex is more than a pleasure that I have the right to freely partake it. There are consequences, negative ones that we shouldn't have to put ourselves and others through. Those consequences reveal the complex nature of sex. It's deep, it's layered and it's somewhat mystifying. We've got to respect it.

Do I sound like a broken record yet?

***

Consequences Part 1. That's our next topic in this 7-day series titled, "Sex--Respect It."

*And by the way, I am very aware that sexual intercourse isn't the only part of sex. There's oral sex. There are sexual acts I don't even want to speak of. Yes, sex is a large discussion. Regardless of which part you take part in, sex isn't something to be toyed with.

sex...a 7-day series.

It's time for another series. This one will span the next 7 days. Why? Because it's Sex Week* at University of Tennessee, Knoxville (UT) so how college students view and practice sex is on my mind in a particularly special way.

Sex is deep. It's layered. It's somewhat mystifying. Let's take it seriously. And let's talk about it.

Day 1: Yes, it matters. But of course!

Day 2: Consequences Part 1

Day 3: Consequences Part 2

Day 4: Abstinence Isn't Enough

Day 5: WWPD--What Would Paul Do?

Day 6: The Non-Sex Stuff that Affects Sex

Day 7: Now What?


*Sex Week is the initiative of UT students in collaboration with several other people/entities. As far as I know, though part of its funding comes through student fees, UT is not in charge of the week. Just a point of clarification in case you're wondering.