divided

one of the big things in my life i'm trying to change is my divided self. i'm used to being one way in this corner and another way in that corner as i living among different circles and work in varied settings. it's just my way of being me. but it has become a nuisance. it wasn't intended to be so. i wasn't even conscious for many years and it developed after having moved from one culture to another very different culture to another very different culture. by age 11 i had multiple personalities...okay, slight exaggeration. i was basically adapting to change and consequently holding on to some of the past at each stage, gradually growing into someone who can exist among a lot of difference by assimilating just enough.

...and now i'm aware and i'm tired. so i'm trying to be just one person consistently. i don't really know what that means yet across the board. but i do know that it necessistates careful critique and room for adjustments that i'm not always going to be comfortable with. it means that at the end of the day both group A and B may see a side of me they never knew existed, or at least not to the degree to which it now blooms.

i read something today that's helpful:

Nothing is so important as to keep right spiritually. The great solution is the simple one - "Come unto Me." The depth of our reality, intellectually, morally and spiritually, is tested by these words. In every degree in which we are not real, we will dispute rather than come.

Not real. I want to be real and right now "divided" doesn't quite seem real and it (i think) is what's keeping me from being.

there's so much idealism wrapped up in that sentence, so much...and i'm too tired to unpack this subject any further.

till later,
wordhabit

san fran, shakes, and music

it's been real fun but this chick is knackered!

(those were my words last night and i didn't get a chance to post them. i ended up going to bed really late in order to overcome my jet lag. these folks are 3 hours behind my regular zone. i slept till 5am and went back to sleep till 8am and now i'm fine...thank you very much.)

and now i'm sick :( i had a really milky milkshake today and the fact that i rarely drink cow's milk is probably what led to my present sick state where my belly shakes within and i want nothing more than to turn my insides out! argh!!!!!!!!!!!! bah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mama!!!!!!!!!!!!! belly role!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but on a happy note, i went shopping today, outlet shopping, very exciting shopping, good price shopping, good customer service shopping.

now let's talk about good customer service. it is so amazing here. even in grocery stores. people are kind. it's as if you're among friends. and i'm realizing that kindness is a great marketing tool...not that one should be kind merely to build business but it works. i'm encouraged to know that the manager is concerned about whether or not everything was okay as i exit the store and that he recognizes me an hour and a half later when i return (granted, i was 1 of 3 black people that i saw so he had to recognize me!)

anyway, it's sabbath now and i'm enjoying a peaceful evening of music. just sung through a couple of songs with my friend Chris. Justin, i know you're jealous...hehe. ah, memory lane. we sang "pray me home" and it really could have done with a 3rd part...(okay, i'm done with guilt tripping...it's overrated anyway!)

tomorrow we'll sing for church and hopefully i won't be too lazy to whip out my camera and take a few pics. (pics and church really don't have any direct correlation; therefore, that sentence is a very bad one, just so ya know. and i'm leaving it so that we all remember not to construct weak sentences.) i have my point and shoot. it's only really worthwhile outdoors. and vineyards are outdoors. and vineyards are beautiful. and so is music...according to a song i know that someone not too far from here wrote not too long ago.

ok...later.

Order My Steps

That’s basically how my morning prayer concluded. And I’ve had an interesting day filled with what I know to be God-ordered steps. I mean, what are the chances that I’d be alert enough at work to accomplish so many necessary things, tying up lose ends to ensure smooth future events? And how could I possibly go without lunch and not be so silently frazzled that I get a headache and then ticked off at myself for being a poor steward of my time? And it’s not that I think God ordered my lack of lunch…not at all! But He kept me so focused on the other necessary tasks at hand that hunger wasn’t able to control me. And how else would I have had an incredible hour-long conversation with a classmate about how we (global “we”) need to help each other remember the reality of the world we’re living in and the eternal world we want and that in order to get to eternity we have to be willing to critique our present reality like the spiritualistic nature of movies and the ego trips of video games.

And then God ordered my steps home from a later meeting. I could have walked out of the building the way I always do. But instead I took the back exit and the diagonal pathway which led me to one of the most incredible encounters I’ve ever had—under a tree. And there the four of us prayed for the salvation of him, a 14-yr-old boy. He’s sad and so confused/scared that he could barely open his mouth to pray. He struggled to call on Jesus. At first I thought it was because the three of us around him were 2 to 4 times his age but then I really saw the struggle. Anyone else would have simply hurried through the prayer so that he could get on his way. But not this boy. And he wasn’t simply shy—the war for his soul was clear. And I’m afraid to even say that coz it sounds to radical, so over-the-top, so….ah, there’s a word I can’t remember that would go perfectly here…

Anyway, today’s experiences have helped me remember to allow as many good things as possible to enter my head and heart so that what comes out is what people need.

Fanatic. That’s the word. I don’t want to sound like one. I don’t want to be one. I just want to kick back and enjoy life, honestly. I don’t want to struggle or be bothered with trivial things. I just want to work on a public campus and sing all over the place and write continuously.

But I can’t get so focused on what makes me happy that I walk right by the 14-yr-old who needs a listening ear. I can’t use the excuse that “I was just minding my own business.” I have to be willing to have my steps ordered by God.

As I write this I’m both willing and stubborn. I want God to use me. Yes, please. By all means. But I don’t want to be inconvenienced. So that’s why I have to ask Him to order my steps. Of course, I’m going to use the head He gave me and plan my day to the best of my ability. But if on my walk home God says, “Take the back exit and the diagonal path,” the day that I’ve already asked Him to order will go just as it’s supposed to—no inconvenience, no worry, just ordered steps.

So can I still go to movies? Can I still listen to jazz? Can I still ride my bike and use a Mac?

Those are definitely not the right questions!

wanting to feel

i should never post at 12:30am since thoughts aren't straight at this hour but anyway...

if there were an "emotion" pill, i'd probably try to get a periodic dose. it's not that i want to be able to cry more easily--not at all--it's just that i think i'm too distant. death happens and i put it in a jar, close the lid tightly, then place it in a random location that i can't easily recall later on. and the thing is, that all happens subconsciously.

whenever someone dies i process these same thoughts. there are only 2 people's deaths i've really cried over. maybe coz they were around my age and their deaths was so tragic. i felt it then. it broke me. my regular tear sub pump malfunctioned...the flood was amazing.

growing up, i always took pride in my ability to "control" my emotions. i wasn't typically girly having giggling fests and reacting dramatically to trivial things. from what i remember, i was more often calm except sometimes with immediate family. and now i'm afraid that i don't feel deeply enough, often enough. and it's not till a personal crisis that the sub pump malfunctions and the flood is amazing, tears amassed from scores of repressed opportunities.

but i don't want a weeping fest...i just want to feel. i want to be kind more easily. i want to compliment more easily. i want to help more easily. i want to reach out more easily. all these years of "controlling" my emotions have helped me be more distant and at times i just want to be close. close enough to show i care.

...didn't get to shop after all...didn't even stroll downtown. just felt the perfect walking air and wished home was the 1400th block of polk street once again.

as if it isn't official....

death is a sick, sick thing

two people i knew are dead within the span of 2 weeks...were we close? no. but that's not the point. the point is that their husbands, children, siblings, parents, etc., now wake up without them.

today's funeral was for a 30 yr old woman. ...30.

tomorrow's funeral will be for someone in her 50s. ...50s.

so that's like me burying a sibling and a parent right now. and i'm presently numb. tomorrow i'll feel more and then i'll walk around downtown chicago as if the only thing on my mind is a new pair of shoes.

i'll let you know how the shoes feel...

i'm really not being flippant here. trust me. i just don't feel yet and i'm processing that reality, the reality that head knowledge hasn't yet become heart...

death is a sick, sick thing. but it's also sometimes okay.

...we don't grieve as those who have no hope...

fortune cookies

"You will spend old age in comfort and material wealth"

on one hand i feel pretty okay with this fortune. but on my foot i feel the pain of responsibility from the weight of the shackles that bind me to...

money

while i really like the idea of comfort i get uneasy with "material wealth." my pastor preached a sermon once called "soon to melt" and he challenged us to put a slip of paper with those 3 words on all our material things. i thought it a great idea coz if nothing more, it got us all thinking about what we really valued.

and i'm not going to now put "soon to melt" on my laptop and bike, my most expensive possessions...but i keep on wondering (even before hearing that sermon) about simplicity and the joys therein. no, i won't start preaching about how poor people in developing countries are so seemingly happy with the little they have...to compare them with me in anyway would be unfair. what i will say is that keeping things simple has a mysterious pleasure about it. it's like wearing a flattering neck-lined navy blue tank top with a slim fitting pair of well tailored blue jeans and slides vs that plus bangles, a floppy brown hat, very dark-very big sun glasses, a big brown tote, and a neck scarf thingy. i can picture the second one...on someone else...and i like what i see. but i'd much rather take option A.

so while i'd really like to own a 1400 square foot loft with high ceilings and huge windows in downtown chicago i'd much rather buy a house in some regular old subdivision in some regular old suburb that doesn't break my bank. and if i had the money to by the loft while keeping my bank in tact, i'd still rather by the house...if...if i thought for a moment that i was buying the loft just to be able to say that i'm spending my old age in comfort and material wealth.

where i live must be a safe place...safe for all who come over...a place where smiles are created and necessary tears shed...a place where great food is shared and laughter can be heard for days on end..a place where great time is spent, great conversation, great silence, etc... and if safety comes in the form of a 1400 square foot loft with high ceilings and huge windows...i'll say thank You. :)

ah fortune cookies...

it's hot

but i'm so glad i slept okay and woke early enough to blade before the onslaught of humidity welcomed the day.

today i'll finish a book i'm reading...hopefully...reading is a sure way for me to fall asleep. having trouble sleeping? read. want to forget about the troubles of this world via slumber? read. anxiety sustaining your wide-eyed frazzle? read.

has it always been like this? i'm not sure. but it's easier to stay awake and engaged when i know that i'll discuss what i've read the next morning. but no...current profs don't believe much in discussing assigned reading. why? i dunno. guess they're just not connected enough to the wonderful realm of english literature where we read and talk, read and intellectually masticate each pregnant idea in concert with the larger conversations around us. yum!

but yeah, it's hot. and the unnatural cold of air conditioners can't possibly be healthy though my body has adjusted. i'd love to rest beneath the arms of a huge willow tree as the wind blows so inconspicuously that only the leaves sense it and they generously pass along the blessing.

and so maybe i will. coz this 28yrold body is so fatigued right now, so much so that i don't even have to read. need to fall asleep? just sit still...

ah, good morning!

the way i was raised

women did everything...that's why i'm so seemingly independent.

the toilet overflows--i know how to plunge, turn off water, use a mop if need be, etc.
a mouse enters--i shriek momentarily, i clear away all paper from the floor, i look for drops, etc
grass grows--i get out the mower, check gas levels, fill if need be, mow, rake, etc
a centipede enters--i kill it, i wipe up the residue
i'm sick--i eat garlic, gargle with salt water, drink plenty of water, don't complain, etc

etc....

and the way i was raised all that independence didn't make men obsolete, it just made them focus on "bigger" things like flat tires and leaking roofs.

but the way i was raised isn't the way everyone was raised and the longer i live, the more i understand that and fight against that. so why weren't all women raised like me?

death too soon

so yes, we're at the age when more family dies...but mothers?

a friend's mum died last night. she was a beautiful woman...

i can't imagine what he's feeling right now, what he's thinking.

...