happiness is the Lord

happiness is to know the Saviour
living a life that's in his favour
having a change in my behaviour
happiness is the Lord

real joy is mine
no matter where the tear drops start
i found the secret
it's Jesus in my heart

happiness is to be forgiven
living a life that's worth the livin'
taking a trip that leads to heaven
happiness is the Lord

vision

be my vision
oh Lord of my heart
don't be anything else to me
except what you are

and you are love
so love me and remind me that you do

majoring in mis

communication is not my forte. and to think i majored and mastered in english lit and minored in communication...maybe that's the problem--should have double-majored. man!

so i've been miscommunicating a lot lately and then feeling as though i can't possibly back track and try to rectify anything.

ahhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggg

why must i be so "complicated"? because i'm not, really. in my head i'm really clear and simple. i don't beat around bushes. i'm the best me there ever was.

and then i vent via blogger...i can't communicate effectively face to face or email to email so i resort to the virtual world.

miscommunication 101
1st step: talk dagnabit!

haha

new blog?

so i get bored with layouts and instead of just changing this one, i began a new one and then another one but we'll keep with the 2nd...for now.

http://wordhabit2.blogspot.com

i'm wordhabitting as many spaces as i can...i know...a bit obsessive...yeah yeah

seemingly irresponsible

i'm always learning not to box God in.

hi God. i'd like my regular dose of:
1. a 4:30am divine wake up call
2. my favourite (though expensive) granola
3. time with people i love
4. creative energy
5. rest when i finally get to bed
6. desire to do homework
7. etc

and then God does something crazy...he gives me this great idea. don't take the 2 classes you planned to take 3rd session. take a one-week intensive that doesn't count toward your degree but is on a topic you're really interested in. and for the rest of the month, work on writing and music.

can you dig it?

i can dig it!

and then, God helps me see that the reason why i hate structure right now is because the sort of structure i was living under this past year wasn't conducive to all that's in my head, all that needs expression. and i figured this out as i did an assignment for my "holistic small groups" course.

so things have changed, the structure is new and i'm learning to make the most of it.

ah. breathing is so good, so good. and while i feel irresponsible at times coz i haven't made the most of a 2-hour free period, i'm learning to hear God speak far beyond the beautiful darkness of 4:30.

namesake

a name can really mess you up...or force you to discover who you really are. and who that is may be much farther from reality than you'd like to venture. but you keep messing up. so you must go. and when you do, things change. slowly. but they change. and finally you know contentment.

i'm glad i'm not named after anyone in particular. my mum heard my name, liked it, gave it to me. there weren't many of my kind in 79. now they run screaming through the cereal aisle and i hear a parent tell me to "get back here" and i look. but it's not me. it's some 3 footer who was supposed to be holding on to mummy's cart.

my name asks a question: Who is like God?

i used to think it was a statement coz i never saw it with the proper punctuation. i got excited by the thought that i was like God. yeah, no humility here. now (in my wiser age) that i know it's a question i'm actually relieved. it's like someone's looking at me with one eye and saying, "as if!" and i respond with "hey, i'm chillin."

but it would be nice to at least momentarily feel that i'm living out who i'm meant to be in whatever shape or form God desires that to happen.

(i need to read more. my vocabulary bank has a broken fridge and an issue of ants.)

good night.

conversations

they are the playground, the spaces in which we deepen connections at particular times, engage in see-saw merry-go-round interactions that teach us life lessons and wake us up like crazy dreams to the reality that we're still not done learning.

it's 10pm and i'm so tired of learning and yet i can't get enough which is part of why i'm here sitting in this apartment pondering education in its various forms and wondering what it could feel like to be done, knowing all the while that it'll never be over...and that that's okay.

strange. God's pretty crazy...i'd be done with me by now if i were him...

good morning

i woke up to the idea that God wants to change the world through me. the thought hit and i was up, up like a jack in the box, wide-eyed like the five yr-old witnessing a magic trick. awake, fully conscious.

change the world through me?

it was a strange scene in my dream. two politicians stood talking, one running for president, the other running for vice. after seeing who their opponents where the vice president already looked defeated. "why did you ask me to be your running mate when you knew they'd be running?" he asked.

"because i want you to help me change the world," replied his colleague with smooth confidence.

it was simple. i woke up.

then i went running with Maribeth in the 6:30 air as a rainbow stood in the distance. that's how mornings should be. a shocking dream and an energetic run with God's smile in the sky.

now i must act on the dream because i love the smile.

divide

...Both I enjoy. Both I want to keep. Both are me—but not together. I sing from my heart in both spaces but there’s always a divide. Why? And the divide comes down to color and the divide is found in worship. Yet I’m fully aware that anything that has to do with God can’t afford to be divided—this house will fall.

I desperately want to live with just one face. It’s simpler and I enjoy attempting to be a minimalist. But more than that, I enjoy honesty—the endless river that I’m afraid to drink from. Will someone mock my cup? Will I get the river mixed up with the stream? Is this the right time to drink?

It’s a strange moment in life, a moment that necessitates both action and quiet contemplation, both prayer and faith steps. I step carefully. I pray desperately. I act not because I want to but because I must. I rest, quietly, hoping nothing will disturb this precious time. Because there’s never enough time and the hour is always late.

divide

With both my arms outstretched, the two faces of my existence finally crash one into the other...(click)

light

it’s fascinating to see how light alters things, how the sun (for example) makes it hard to see the exact locale of the Frisbee in flight. so I knock it from the sky wishing I had more perception.