following

am i allowed to read?

reading used to be the thing i did coz i liked it (or coz my parents hoped i'd one day like it). and then it became the thing i HAD to do in order to write a paper or feel smart in a discussion. and then it became the thing i did to avoid grading papers. and then it morphed back into HADland. and now it's in this strange space of, "i know reading is good but i'd rather listen to the audio but i can't afford a dozen audios so until that time i'm not quite sure when i'll read another book."

yeah, it's muddy.

i do like reading. i like marking the pages as i go--a brilliant passage here, a stellar line there. my favorite is a well crafted long sentence, the sort you find in translated works but with my flare. what i've found quite fascinating (coz i like the word "quite") is that i've had to force myself to give myself permission to read. it's stupid. #realtalk

and yet it's true. i didn't read last night b/c i wanted to finish knitting a scarf and i've got a habit of not finishing creative projects. and though this scarf project really isn't using my creative juices and though winter has just about passed, the desire to finish still applies. so i knitted and knitted, didn't finish the scarf but almost would do.

and then today comes along. i'm at work, accomplishing several tasks contentedly, when a lull emerges and i suddenly desire a warm beverage and a book. the ominous clouds out my window help me decide not to go to the local coffee shop with a book in tow but to simply go there quickly and return with a warm beverage (and free desert!) and settle into my tall, black desk chair, kick my heals onto my desk (something my mum would never approve of) and read.

but can i really do that? is that in the workers' policy book, section 2356b right after "sick days"? does my boss read books at work? am i allowed to read?

well, before i go into an even longer question session that eventually helps me rationalize reading at work, let me admit to you that i did indeed read. and about 6 pages later, all i wanted to do was write. so i did. it's what you've just been reading and it has absolutely nothing to do with the book which is actually about being a Christ-follower. in just 6 pgs, i'm questioning whether or not i'm truly following Christ or simply following good books about Christ and the good people who write them.

and what about you?

would following Christ 100% make reading a simpler decision?

the curse of should

i've been thinking about how to best reflect on the new year of life i find myself in (as of last tuesday). i suppose that within this particular blogging context, it would be most appropriate to see how my life of campus ministering relates to my new found age but all i can come up with is how relieved i am (at my age and station in life) to no longer have to process your typical college student troubles. and that seems lame and unkind so the question still remains: what's there to write about?

after a really full weekend, i really don't have the physical or mental energy to say anything...and yet i feel as though i should. and that feeling is, perhaps, what i will talk about. indeed, i will. focus your eyes, dear reader, and prepare to unpack The Curse of Should.


let's begin by switching up the expectation. i expect, so i'm guessing you expect, that i'd start by recounting ways i've allowed "i should do xyz" to disrupt my life, but i'd rather not go down memory lane right now...not that lane, anyhow. instead, i want to focus on words that i've kicked out of my healthy-living vocabulary. words such as "balance" and "excellence." yuck. bad aftertaste. they create unrealistic expectations and in my current line of work, one that isn't quite predictable or redundant, the last things i need to be focusing on are creating a balanced life that produces excellent results. that's a heart attack in the making. no joke. trust me--i'm not exaggerating. sleepless nights, tense relationships, stress chills...i'm so over all of that nonsense.

"should" isn't any better. it's a molasses-kind-of-sticky-guilt that clings to me and holds me back. "could" is so much lighter, much more optional. but "should" says, "i've failed. again. no doubt about it."

okay, so i can't really continue well without giving an example of how this recently played out in my life. last tuesday was my latest birthday and as someone who really enjoys writing i thought of how wonderful it would be to pen/type some meaningful reflections on that day. and if not on that day, then no later than the day after. i had what seemed like a reasonable window within which to work. i created the window based on what seemed to be the best choice. (and i'm clearly still struggling with excellence coz i i've used the word "best" twice now in this post.) somehow writing about my birthday two or more days after my birthday was just wrong. so when thursday rolled around, the "should's" began.

i should have made more time. 

i should have planned to take the day off in the first place which would have automatically given me more time. 

based on how much i enjoy writing, i should be in a daily writing routine by now and if i were in that routine, i would have been able to write about my birthday on my birthday...or at least a day later. #ilackdiscipline


yeah, i'm so over "should" right now. more so because of all the ways it has affected major parts of my life, creating regrets that never demanded an existence. so in this, my new year, i choose to live without "should" and i already feel freer.

and in case you're wondering if this way of selectively excluding everyday words is my way of making my life more convenient, let me say this: very little about serving others is convenient; however, choosing not to let certain words direct my steps actually makes me more available to serve.

here's to another year of growth, a more available year, in uncharted waters...

guts & worship

guilty.

that's a fairly good word to describe the initial effects of the 1 project on my life. no, no one was pointing fingers at me but almost every talk had me on the verge of tears and somewhat defeatedly asking, "how am i supposed to make this better?"

i experienced the seattle gathering through a job lense. i work with college students, attempting to connect them to Jesus and often finding myself at a high level of discontent. i know i'm not their saviour--i've gotten over that complex. i do, however, see the need to shift how i work to better impact each student for the glory of God. and when i showed up in seattle, i knew that i wasn't impacting as well as i could.

before you suppose that i'm actually speaking from an "i want to be their saviour" lense, listen to the following--> i know i struggle with wanting to create perfect systems. i know that. but i've actually grown a bit in the few years i've been at this job and i've realized that while i need to change my thought patterns, i also need to change my praxis and the current mechanics of my job can do with a change and must do with a change in order for me, my assistant, and the students we serve to be better impacted for the glory of God. trust me on this. this is so far beyond the perfectionist's usual tale of woe. 

seattle was an opportunity that i believe i made the most of because of how i arrived:

i intentionally packed one book (radical) to read on the plane ride over--and i read quite a bit.

>it got my mind processing the costly nature of following Christ and how that plays out in my life...or doesn't.

i planned ahead of time to find time to purchase a new pair of shoes and toss the ones i had on that were simply beyond their expiration date and not at all helping my knee pain.

>the last thing i needed to be thinking about was discomfort. i wanted & needed to be comfortable so that i could focus and be fully present.

i knew i needed a shift in the way i work and i simply trusted that i'd hear God speak during the 2-day gathering.

>there's something about knowing you're going to talk about Jesus that has you believing you'll hear from him, too.

i looked forward to experiencing spiritual food with my husband--a growing time for us as a couple.

>we do a lot together but often aren't able to simply be present. 

i determined not to make it a meeting trip. i knew a few of the attendees were ppl i needed to catch up with regarding various work-related things and i often do so much better with face-to-face interaction.
>but i wanted no part in that. not this trip. this wasn't about ironing out policies or finalizing plans for upcoming events. this was about being present to the voice of God.

the way you come to a space determines, to a great extent, how you'll experience that space. by the grace of God, i arrived open, i experience renewal, and i left filled...but not a superficial type of filled. 

it was a filling that clearer understanding yields. and i want to unpack that understanding further. i didn't leave with tools; this gathering wasn't prescriptive for me. so i don't have a list of 7 campus ministry tricks that will help my students see Christ more clearly. and trust me, that's the last thing i need. and even though i left with a few great books in tow, i haven't yet read them to know who in my sphere of influence needs to read them. you know how that is. "oh, so-and-so needs to hear this hot rebuke. should i fb a link? nah, s/he probably won't buy it. i could just give my copy. but s/he'll see my comments and think i'm trying to send a subtle hint. we'll see. i'll pray about it..."

no, i just came away with one thing and that one thing is for me. wanna hear it?

i want to sit at the feet of Jesus for so long that my gut reaction is Jesus.

that's all. b/c a lot of our problems as a church, as people, are based on our inability to have gut reactions that are Holy Spirit bathed. it's one thing to be able to map out strategic plans (which i love!) and spend hours planning for a Bible study (which is ideal!). but so much of life is lived at gut level. it's the grocery store moments, the elevator moments, the potential road-rage moments, the random question moments--the stuff you never could have planned enough for but is currently in your face and demands a reaction. now. 

the way your eyebrows move, the placement of your hands, your (lack of) eye contact, and every single word...matter. and that's fine...if we've been with Jesus. 

i've seen mess play out in my own life, mess that could have been avoided had i been sitting at Jesus' feet. and i'm not even talking about morning devotions. i'm talking about a life of worship. our gut reactions are based on our worship. our gut reactions are often based on our hurts, stuff we haven't properly processed or haven't touched at all. how can we possibly live and/or lead well when the broken stuff that could have been fixed is still broken? and while i don't believe God's asking us to be perfect vessels, he does want us to be changed by his presence but first we have to be in his presence and then we have to admit to the problems his presence reveals. and then we have to do something about them. but if we don't, we build and maintain systems, based on our hurts, that only cause more pain.

that's got to stop.

this doesn't mean i won't continue working on a strategic plan. in fact, i believe that plan will be better informed by the time i spend with Christ. i won't stop thinking about long-term issues & solutions. no. the knowledge of my gut reality helps me on every level of my job...and beyond my job. it informs work & play. it informs my home life. it informs how i spend my day off. it has a wonderfully holistic ripple effect.

i desire to sit with Jesus and allow all he reveals about himself to transform my thinking & devotion and heal my hurts...in time...so that i can give others a clearer picture of him (even when i'm still hurt) and not simply a clearer picture of me (which is sometimes the only byproduct of what we call "being transparent").

so just to recap, the 1 project helped me see this: 

when life punches me in the gut, i want to be able to say, "thank you, Jesus," and mean it.

Jesus. Enough.

...uncharted waters.