sugar

i've had sweet oranges, i have. but yesterday i had one that was beyond sweet. i literally needed water to wash the sugar out of my mouth. what's the deal? since when did they pump sugar into oranges? okay, i know they don't but that sucker was unbelievably sweet and made me believe that they actually are telling the truth when they publish such things as "no sugar added." yeah, i guess i get it now.

and i also think that when attempting a sugar-free diet, such sweet oranges may have to be eliminated no matter how natural their sugar. shoot, when you need water post-haste, you probably need a floride treatment too!

okay, why am i hating on something so good? guess i just can't really believe it still.

in other sugar news...click here

allinone medical attention, canada style (but better!)

does everyone have random yet consist aches and pains? in other words, you've felt this way before but you don't know under what exact circumstances which is why it seems random....

that's my life. so i'd like to be able to get allinone medical attention at the drop of a hat. and allinone means every type of health professional (including specialists!!) at my finger tips...for free, of course! none of this co-pay foolishness that they never seem to accurately bill for so you end up getting an adjusted bill. foolishness! i want to be able to just walk into someone's office or make a call and get a home visit. common folks, work with me.

anyway. my feet get randomly cold and tingly. after a "thorough" google search, i think it's poor circulation. but due to what? is my blood bad? probably. do i want to get it checked. no! that'll be $15 for them to refer me and then $30 to be told to get a blood test and then somekindofmillion for them to tell me nothing's wrong. and the $30 people will tell me i need to schedule a follow-up with them and the $15 people. i can't stand these people.

okay, mabye it's not THAT bad. but it's pretty close. so i'm gonna go now and do some research that's due in a week coz i don't have the whole week to spend on it and i need some fascinating info to take my mind off of my strange foot sensations.

tmi? probably...

shucks.

talking with God

semantics get the best of us and sometimes make the worst of us...

...yet i'm trying something new. instead of saying that i'm "praying" i'm going to start saying (at least to myself) that i'm "talking with God" and as i carefully critique my word choice, i'm going to see what difference it makes. after all, if i were to tell someone that i was bonding with my girlfriends, the assumption would be that we're talking but we could actually be watching a movie. so when i say that i'm praying, the assumption is that i'm talking with God (it's a give and take) but i could actually just be talking at God and quickly running away before i hear his reply...

so, later on tonight, i'll be talking with God, giving him time to talk back before i drift off into slumber. i'm pretty sure i'll hear something...or maybe he'll be quiet, alowing me space to mull over whatever i've just muttered. i'll tell him about my day, even though he alrady knows, because i want to think through my day with his dreams in mind. and as i spill my guts to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God of creation and redemption, i imagine the slow develpment of a healtheir perspective as God reveals a little behind the scenes footage.

but to tell you the truth, i have no idea what will happen when i talk with God except that he'll listen. beyond that, i'll just have to wait and hear...

...

sometimes i don't want to sleep. there's so much i want to do and if i sleep, i might forget...

what we don't know

as i walked out of an office today with information i should have known but was never told, i realized the truth of Hosea...what we don't know will kill us, or more precisely "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge."

i realize that the verse speaks specifically to lack of knowledge about God but i see how it trickles down into other less meaning aspects of life like my job. there's so much i've had to find out the hard way. i'm reasonable. i know there's only so much telling one can do. some things will just have to be found out. it's unfortunate. that's why i've been spending time over the last 2 weeks creating a manual for whoever comes after me. my job is so multifaceted even though i have a title.

this small fry experience is teaching me about the big picture--God wants to save us and he wants us to be a part of the process of saving each other. so he has packed a lot of information into a book and he expects us to tell each other about it so that he can be revealed more fully (though never completely coz we're slow). i should want nothing more than to know that you're on the path to heaven, that you've accepted salvation and are basking in God's love. that should be my focus. i should be reading this book over and telling you what i've read...

i don't want you to die because you didn't know something that i knew...

what do you do?

you've fallen asleep for a nap
you wake up seeing what looks like daybreak
you check the clock only because your cellphone beeps
you wonder who in the world called you during the night
you see the time
1:04am

what?

so now i'm watching the olympics but i should stop. i actually do have homework to complete. thanks God for the early start (?)

linksys--thank you

i was just on the phone with a nice gentleman from the philippines. he spent the last 30+ minutes trying to get my wireless to work. it's 5:30am in his world, 5:30pm in mine. i'm almost exhausted from clicking this and plugging in that, reloading this, shutting down that... and now i'm truly wireless and secure too (no one's getting a free ride off of me and my roommate!)

did i mention that the tech is in the philippines? okay. i won't go into whether or not outsourcing is good/economical/kind/ethical/etc...yeah, i won't go there.

i'll just say: thanks linksys for really great customer service. thanks for knowing how to deal with the mac world and for not telling me to call back on tuesday when the mac tech is in. thanks for being persistent in figuring out the issue. thanks for listening. thanks for leaving me a happy customer. i may even fill out that survey. till next time...

music lives right around the sun

in that space untouchable to human hands
so far removed that even our greatest disgraces can't mess it up forever
because what God has created will still speak of him somehow

somehow

***

and to that end, i sing. i find others who love life, love music, love God, and we sing together. the effects are incredible. but i don't want to dwell on them in case my pride goes crazy. so instead i'll just write about the gift. i can't talk about it enough, it seems. it's what i get from God when i'm part of beautiful music making. i can't help but say thank you and then just wait patiently for the next time. yes, i know i don't deserve it. yes, i'm aware of what it means (at least in part). it means that God somehow still loves his people because somehow he still wants to use us.

people often say that God doesn't need our help to save the world. so if he asks me to do something and i don't, there's always someone else--nothing is so person-specific that it can't carry on without me. but wait. at some time or another, we've all told God no. if he moved on after every no, there'd be no one left to say yes. and then what? what of salvation? what of heaven? what of his justice? and what of his love?

there are more questions than answers in my head because we can never fully understand God. but when he gives us music, i'm sure of one thing: he loves us incredibly more than we know.

production.vacation.illusion

vacation...come soon

but not too soon coz i've got loads to do first, okay? don't rush yourself. take it easy. rest up. sit pretty. we'll meet soon enough. just hope i'm really free to enjoy your company.

oh vacation. thanks for coming soon.

100%

from the back to the middle and around again
i'm gonna love you till the end
one hundred percent
pure love

please don't ask me why i know the lyrics (or perhaps the wrong lyrics), just read on.

last night i got my biweekly email stating that my pay check has been deposited into my bank account. typically, i click the link to view just how much chump change is now mine and i make a mental note that tithe and offering must be paid. if i'm ahead of the game, i write out a check or set aside the exact cash so that it's all ready for sabbath morning's offering call. when i get to church, i pull out that small white/purple envelope, fill in the details, slip in the money, lick and press the seal and sit back patiently awaiting the offering plate. it finally comes. in goes the envelope. mission accomplished. tithe and offering RETURNED!

well, last night it dawned on me that there's no need to always wait till sabbath to feel such satisfaction. so why not get it over with in the morning? grand idea! so i pull out my check book and quickly scribble down my return. i slip it in an everyday white letter envelope and into by backpack so that the final drop can be made today.

the moment arrives when my prof announces our regular 10-minute break in the middle of our 2-hour period. i grab the envelop and the bag of carrots i packed for a snack and saunter over to the church. as i near the church, i notice that several sprinklers are on so i take a moment to watch their sequence and develop an action plan. it really wasn't that hard (though i felt a tad bit like an action flick chic) and soon i was in the building. i grabbed a tithe envelope and begin filling out the standard name, date, address info.

and then...

as i was about to fill in the tithe amount i noticed something quite curious...the amount of my check was larger than ever before. in fact, it wasn't 10% of my earnings but the WHOLE SHABBANG! what in the world was i thinking? in my eagerness to be on top of things, i couldn't even do simple math. i let out an "oh my!" which the secretary was too preoccupied to respond to, gathered my stuff, and quickly walked out of the church. i wasn't embarrassed--just almost late for class.

again, i had to confront the dramatic sprinklers and again i managed like a oscar winner. and as i walked i thought about the fact that giving 100% of my biweekly earnings wasn't a bad thing per se but was certainly unnecessary and possibly detrimental to my next two weeks of spending. yet, i couldn't help but think of the bigger picture, the one that points to how necessary it is to give 100% of my self to God.

for a moment, the connection was cheesy in my head. i felt a bit over the top. good grief michaela, must you make such a leap? but you know what? i don't mind the leap. i'll take anything that reminds me of my need to stay connected because i so often forget. i get cozy and i forget.

my relationship with God is very much like my relationship with my immediate family who i love eternally. sometimes we talk. sometimes we don't.

but we should always talk. i should always be at 100%.

pure love

(sorry, i can't help the cheese. it's genetic)

brought to you by the letter "r"

i sat down in an authentically ____________ restaurant and curiously reviewed the menu, truly uncertain of what i'd order because my exposure to this cuisine is limited.

as my eyes glossed over the pages, the english major in me kicked into full force as i searched for something i'd connect with. and finally, there it was...a beautiful mistake that read something similar to this:

tofu is avairable upon request.

i wanted to laugh out loud but pride and respect helped me keep the fun moment inside...until i turned to my boyfriend and shared the joy.

it really was a beautiful mistake. it was context appropriate in more than one way. that's beautiful!

dreams

last night i had a crazy dream that makes me think i have a boundary issue, a problem helping others recognize my personal space...

perhaps the dream will continue. perhaps i'll learn more.

and, as always, there's a good chance that my crazy dream was the result of a particular food combination or something of that nature....

or maybe all my reading and in-class discussion on the book of daniel has me taking my dreams much more seriously than i should.

oh life. i wish i understood you more sometimes. and i'm glad i don't.

in french

i had a dream last night. don't remember all its details but i do remember that i was speaking comfortably in french. it was smooth. seamless. quality french. i should move to quebec.

A (7)

A (7)
Originally uploaded by Complicated Philosophy

thanks Simon

funny how

i write private things in public spaces hoping the message will get across. like saying i miss you, making promises and who knows what else. but i really shouldn't live in the world of "read my mind" or "read my blog" when i can speak. i do possess all that's necessary to produce sound and articulate.

but i must say that it is better now, now that i have "permission" to say stuff like "hi justin. i don't like being apart" and "hey justin, i promise not to be too melodramatic." hehe

us is good.

surprise

it's sort of like getting embarrassed...it hardly ever happens but when it does it's a good one.

a couple days ago Justin walked through the door with these--no occasion, no wrong done, just a gift that reminds me that he's so good for me and that this is good...

quick sick

no warning...usually i get warning.
aches
sore throat
coughs
sneezes

but this one was quick.
i just wish it would leave as it came.

thanks joni

thanks man?

as i sauntered home, critiquing the song just sung and remembering my desire to keep raising the bar for myself, i started talking to God and the words "thanks man" came to mind.

but just as quickly came the thought, "what?! God's not one of my boys!"

my justin blogged the other day (or week, or whatever) about being casual with God. his words came to mind as my steps toward home continued. yes, i too prefer the formal. "thanks man" is far from satisfactory verbiage. in fact, the more i think about it the more i realize that no form of "thank you" will ever be satisfactory--how can it when i speak to God, Creator, Supreme Father, Sustainer...?

bah humbug! i won't get too fussy about words or i'll go mad...but i will rethink how i approach God, i will.

...

this could be funny...

my boyfriend picked me up from class
lovely

we drove to the grocery store and bought Edy's 100% fruit bars
yummy

i began to eat a lime fruit bar...

ouch!

ouch? yes! somehow as my taste buds began to dance with enjoyment, this wonderful lime flavoured desert cut my lip. cut your lip? yes! it cut my lip! so my lime enjoyment soon became a mixture of lime and...

yeah, so like i said...this could be funny...

after this

i'm in the midst of a class that's forcing me to wonder about my place in the worship-music world. i want to do music. i want to worship. but i don't want to do worship music all the time. it's not because i don't enjoy worship. it's just hard for me to know how i can possibly spend the rest of my life leading worship. what, then, happens to my teaching and my writing? perhaps i teach in terms of mentoring and perhaps i write in terms of creating liturgy and letting other people know what i'm working with and experiencing, the sorts of lessons i've learned--after all, others need to be informed. 

maybe that's it. maybe i should be looking for a worship leading position. after all, i want to mentor, i want to be able to have the platform to intentionally connect with potential leaders and grow them. i've so often complained about the lack of "equipping" and though i'm tired of that word use the reality still stands: we're not being taught.

yes, i want to teach. and i want to share through written words. but i want to sing even more than those. i want to be able to grow in my singing, deepen my knowledge and sharpen my practice. how do i do that if i'm busy planning services unless i'm getting paid?!? and even if i am, what time will there be to improve my craft?

i'm not money-hungry. trust me. but i want to be able to do what i do best (and can do better) all the time--no side gigs, no moonlighting, just music.

after this, when school is over and graduation processionals are through...then what? how will i do music? how will i write? how will i teach? how will i use what God has given me and has encouraged me to use for his glory, his kingdom, the blessing of his people?

what we say

impressed.

• i feel impressed to say...

believe.

• i believe that you are...

think.

• i think that you should...

(insert excrement from the body of a huge cud-chewing male mammal)

who told us that we have to always know what to say?
how dare we believe it?

yes, sometimes SOMETIMES we have the right words at the right time given by the Right Man. but so often we work solely from our well-intentioned minds, minds not yet in sync with divine revelation.

the result?
a mind/heart further depressed
heightened scepticism and fear
bad things...a lot of bad things

i'm not suggesting we never offer advice.
i only ask that we be more careful.
i only ask that i be more careful.

gerny

i just spelled journey that way. yes. i did it. as i excitedly typed away at my exegesis paper, i spelled g-e-r-n-y as the voice in my head said journey.

yes. yes, i did it.

yes, yes, i can make mistakes.

yes

i

can

history belongs

to those who pray.

that's the lyric and it sort of scares me. there's something to be said for owning the past and for owning it because you prayed and believed and God answered in agreement with your prayer.

if i only believed.

i used to avoid cooking as if it were a leprosy conduit. i know--melodrama. but honestly, i'd rather wash dishes, mop the floor, take care of the messes that people make because they decided to cook. then somehow, amidst my resistance, i started to cook...and enjoy it. i realized that i had to find a method that worked for me. there's value in that. we each learn differently and consequently, our culinary experiences also differ. i need color, order, simplicity and a touch of challenge. a well written recipe is golden. a great picture is a treat. brevity is also welcomed. so now i cook more often. it helps to have a boyfriend who loves to cook. i enjoy being sous-chef and as we work together i learn a lot of the basics and more of the options. so i wake up sunday mornings and i want, i desire...to cook.

and i believe.

part of the reason why i haven't been on top of all my assignments this semester is because i've really enjoyed working on my exegesis paper. great subject, great process, great discovery...i'd rather do research than do my hair (that's amazing). many an afternoon have been spent trying to figure out structure and meaning. there's such satisfaction in those moments. even if i don't write another 200 words, i feel accomplished just having reviewed what is already there. it's like a good sentence or a great desert, a subtly beautiful lyric or a gaze you find rest in. it makes me think twice about a phd and causes me to remember the book i started to write...and may not finish writing...

and i find joy there.

what if i prayed more and i prayed for more and i really believed that God would answer according to my belief? 

...i messed up

it has been a couple months since my resolve: to tell people that i'm not sure what i'm doing post MDiv, that i don't know where God's leading, but i know it's something beyond what i can imagine.

well, just yesterday i forgot that resolve. let's be real. when a potential future employer says "so what do you want to do post MDiv" you don't want to say "i don't know." so i didn't say that and while what i said wasn't a lie, it just didn't work. so what did is say? it went a little like this: (pfe=potential future employer)

well, there are three things i want to be able to do simultaneously...blah blah blah...

(pfe gave me an awkward "o-kay" sort of look)

i want to sing, write, and teach...blah blah blah...

(pfe continued to look awkward and responded with:)

well you should probably be in touch with the education department...

and that's when i knew that somehow along the way i'd messed up. i got pfe thinking so much about the fact that i enjoy teaching that pfe thought i should be pursing a phd in education. but that's so far from what i want. as much as i'm sure i can hack it, i don't want to be a full-time administrator. how did pfe not hear me say "music" and "writing"? i was so confused and quickly slipped into i'm-not-really-paying-attention-to-you-anymore mode with "end conversation now!" flashing in my head.

oh, it was a bit painful. on one hand i was glad i did it, glad i ventured out of my comfort zone even with just one pfe. on the other hand i wished i hadn't, wished i had enough confidence in the unknown to leave my future alone and focus on the present ethics midterm.

and yet, (on my third hand) i wished i knew how to present myself better, more confidently, with a better idea of what i wanted out of the interaction before it even happened. oh, regret. i should have thought through it all more. knowing i don't want to be a pastor, i should have thought through all the possible things i could learn from talking to pfe that would benefit my unknown future. 

i didn't have time. that's my excuse...it's weak. 

if i could turn back time...i'd say:

i'm taking this time to really develop a firmer foundation--what do i believe? what does the Bible say? etc.

hold on! i did say this...it's part of the blah blah blah above. but somehow pfe got stuck on "teaching." what did i do to make pfe stuck? was pfe simply not practicing good reflecting skills or did my word order create a block for pfe? what should i have said?

who am i kidding? God wants me to sing, write, and teach.

can i say that? can i drop that line on pfes? i dunno. but in the meantime, i'll continue dropping that line on myself and doing all i can to get ready for the unknown that i'll soon call my full time gig.

get aware

i don't know all the details but i'm much more aware this time around. but still glad i can't vote. oh the pressure! i can hardly juggle school let alone voting responsibilities.

but for those of you who can vote, please do! and please make educated decisions. ladies, don't vote for the best looking. and everyone, don't vote simply because the ideals of the party tickle you pink. get educated. get aware.

in pastoral counseling, it's important to be aware, aware of your context, your client's story, your own limitations, etc. there's no time for typecasting. there's ample time for education.

please. for the love of peace, competence, and good speeches...get aware...then vote!

in the beginning...

there weren't a lot of words that i'm aware of.

then again, my only proof sits in the words of the B-I-B-L-E (which is, indeed, the book for me and all of you. but that's another topic for another post).* Genesis 1:1 says that God spoke and things came into existence, "let there be light, and there was light." our conclusion is, then, that God said nothing more in order for light to come into being. but the more i read in that book, the more i stop myself from coming to absolute conclusions. yes, i'm a product of my time...fighting for and against absolute truth. but more than that, i don't ever want to limit God even if my limitation of him sounds wonderful. of course it sounds better to have a God who says little to produce to much, to have a ruler who is so unlike us. there's much more in the Bible to support that idea. but i don't want my knowledge to hinder me. or you.

so in the beginning, whether much or little was said, much came about. and in that beginning, whatever words were spoken or written were filled with intention because i'm positive that God is always intentional.

*i'm aware that i've just used one set of parenthesis to span one and a half sentences. how do you feel about that?

READ THIS FIRST!*

i begin this new blog in honor of all those i've taught. thank you for teaching me. with each class i recognized my limitations and God's willingness to work with me regardless. each student challenged my wisdom, skill, assumed knowledge and encouraged me to step up my game...it was good.

but all that positivity aside, one thing that really got to me was the poor writing of some. i think the first mishap that made me experience an inner shriek was "can not." since when was that written as two words? my english elitist compulsion got the best of me and i probably doubted the student's ability to do any good thing. future inner shrieks resulted from "life style" and "my self" (and that's not including the purposeful separation in order to stress the "self").

now here i type...hoping to do better.

i started teaching english in 2000. every good and bad paper have helped me see how desperately we need to read good writing and write good reading. the less we read the more prone we are to write "can not" and progress/digress to "with out." i'm afraid that i'll one day see "lab top" in the Washington Post. so in my spare time i'm challenging myself to do better by ryeting. thanks for reeding. :)


*This post and a few others after it are from a blog I started back in 2008. It was supposed to be dedicated to writing. It was a brief journey. (May 19, 2013)