wanting to feel

i should never post at 12:30am since thoughts aren't straight at this hour but anyway...

if there were an "emotion" pill, i'd probably try to get a periodic dose. it's not that i want to be able to cry more easily--not at all--it's just that i think i'm too distant. death happens and i put it in a jar, close the lid tightly, then place it in a random location that i can't easily recall later on. and the thing is, that all happens subconsciously.

whenever someone dies i process these same thoughts. there are only 2 people's deaths i've really cried over. maybe coz they were around my age and their deaths was so tragic. i felt it then. it broke me. my regular tear sub pump malfunctioned...the flood was amazing.

growing up, i always took pride in my ability to "control" my emotions. i wasn't typically girly having giggling fests and reacting dramatically to trivial things. from what i remember, i was more often calm except sometimes with immediate family. and now i'm afraid that i don't feel deeply enough, often enough. and it's not till a personal crisis that the sub pump malfunctions and the flood is amazing, tears amassed from scores of repressed opportunities.

but i don't want a weeping fest...i just want to feel. i want to be kind more easily. i want to compliment more easily. i want to help more easily. i want to reach out more easily. all these years of "controlling" my emotions have helped me be more distant and at times i just want to be close. close enough to show i care.

...didn't get to shop after all...didn't even stroll downtown. just felt the perfect walking air and wished home was the 1400th block of polk street once again.