preparation

i'm forever buckling up my shoes...always preparing for something, dreaming up something big, hoping it'll happen yet too scared to work hard enough...afraid i'll fail.

so i'm forever buckling and seldom standing tall, walking confidently, head high, shoulders straight. i'm seated on that chair, couch, stool, bed, floor, making sure my shoes are secure. do they feel right? are they clean? do they match my outfit? do they add that extra edge?

by the time i start walking i'm 1/2 hour late and the sun is blazing. car-less, my legs make those quick short strides that heels prefer while perspiration helps my shirt change hues. i would have added a tank top but i was too busy buckling. i would have asked my roommate for a ride but i was too busy buckling. it's only a 5-minute walk but it feels like an eternity i can't afford to wait for. but my heels are comfortable. i'm quite proud of my purchase. they've lasted me a few years now and i'll probably never find another pair quite like them.

so now i'm not only late--i'm grateful. i'm a proud brown heel wearer though my steps reveal more nervous energy than anything else.

Perhaps you can't relate to the heels or the tardiness. But if you're a dreamer you can probably relate to the process. Some people call it "preparation" but there comes a moment when it crosses the line and becomes "procrastination." Why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves through all this torture, one dream after another constantly deferred?

Is it fear? I'm not so sure anymore. If it were fear would i even buckle my shoes?