give

i'm not good at it. i've said it before (perhaps just to myself) and i'll say it again (now to the WORLD). but. i've resolved to be better at developing and maintaining relationships. i know how to walk away. it's one of the side effects of a childhood on 3 continents. but i can't keep on blaming my childhood--that's not the key to success.

a major componant of developing and maintaining is giving. *insert uncontrollable coughing mixed with cold shivers* it's not that i'm diametrically opposed to giving. it's just that i actually used to do a lot of it. i gave time--my most prized possession. and then i got tired coz i wasn't getting it back in the quanitity i needed. in recent years i've learned to accept and truly appreciate the way others give. it doesn't always suit me and my selfish (yet not always negatively selfish) desires.

and as i learn to accept and appreciate, i also learn to give in new ways. cornbread. people love to eat. i make it vegan. people like it. warm that sucker and slap some butter on it...umm umm good.

but giving goes far beyond time and food. it also includes "the benefit of the doubt" and other such mental/emotional transactions that often take more out of me than baking. like...forgiving and being forgiven.

they're a right pain, if you ask me. (but you didn't ask. sorry.) they're a pain because if you forgive and accept forgiveness then thoughts and actions should change somewhat. you don't open up yourself to more hurt or start breaking promises left, right, and center. but a big red X no longer shows up on your phone when they call and you think twice and thrice before you speak and/or act.

you know what, i wouldn't be 23 again if you paid me. however, where i am isn't gravy. nevertheless i'm trecking on even if there are 10 inches of snow on the sidewalk outside. (okay, maybe that's a slight exageration...maybe.

i will give
i will forgive
i will accept forgiveness

i should write that a thousand times...

and no, i'm not being sarcastic. sorry if my honesty isn't warm fuzzy. it's 14 deg F people! : )