on a cloudy day.
loads of it.
amen.
thank You God!
Wednesday, October 31
Tuesday, October 30
consistency
the quick flip of emotions, like factory line pancakes, take me from a calm "ah, the breeze is so lovely" to an irritated "why are you talking right now?"
a classmate said she loves my personality--i'm so nice. i told her she must not know me well. of course, i don't totally mean that. but she obviously doesn't see me all the time. and her personality brings out the good in me so she's bound to see much good. hmmm...
my schizophrenic moments--i don't understand them. on the list of things i enjoy, consistency is high. selfishness must be higher. but where's the line drawn between selfishness and consistency? coz sometimes if my need for consistency is denied me, my emotions become pancakes and my life becomes a factory.
flip.
flip.
flip.
a classmate took my seat once. i was immediately unnerved. i told him he had to move. he thought i was joking. i wasn't mean about it but i explained my need for consistency. he finally moved.
i could dismiss this all as a sign of "older" age. but i've been this way for as long as i know. i need habits. i have expectations and i need them met. i know i can be selfish sometimes...i work on not being selfish sometimes...sometimes i just want things my way. but sometimes i really need things my way.
how on earth do i have friends? consistency.
oh botheration!
a classmate said she loves my personality--i'm so nice. i told her she must not know me well. of course, i don't totally mean that. but she obviously doesn't see me all the time. and her personality brings out the good in me so she's bound to see much good. hmmm...
my schizophrenic moments--i don't understand them. on the list of things i enjoy, consistency is high. selfishness must be higher. but where's the line drawn between selfishness and consistency? coz sometimes if my need for consistency is denied me, my emotions become pancakes and my life becomes a factory.
flip.
flip.
flip.
a classmate took my seat once. i was immediately unnerved. i told him he had to move. he thought i was joking. i wasn't mean about it but i explained my need for consistency. he finally moved.
i could dismiss this all as a sign of "older" age. but i've been this way for as long as i know. i need habits. i have expectations and i need them met. i know i can be selfish sometimes...i work on not being selfish sometimes...sometimes i just want things my way. but sometimes i really need things my way.
how on earth do i have friends? consistency.
oh botheration!
Sunday, October 21
late night
it was 10:30pm and i was ready to call it quits, throw in the towel, cliche, cliche, cliche...
then, as i braided my hair and read over "indirect aggression," i got inspired. and now it's 11:24 and i have a better sense of how i'm going to teach tomorrow, a sense i'm grateful for.
what would i do right now if i weren't teaching? sleep more perhaps...or procrastinate more.
this second year of MDiv is like the second year of my english MA--i'm more settled in my surroundings, enjoying more in life yet restless, knowing this isn't all there is, afraid of what more there is, dreaming of more, knowing i shouldn't quit, wanting to quit...
when i'd rather cook a full meal and grade papers than do homework, you know something's up!
then, as i braided my hair and read over "indirect aggression," i got inspired. and now it's 11:24 and i have a better sense of how i'm going to teach tomorrow, a sense i'm grateful for.
what would i do right now if i weren't teaching? sleep more perhaps...or procrastinate more.
this second year of MDiv is like the second year of my english MA--i'm more settled in my surroundings, enjoying more in life yet restless, knowing this isn't all there is, afraid of what more there is, dreaming of more, knowing i shouldn't quit, wanting to quit...
when i'd rather cook a full meal and grade papers than do homework, you know something's up!
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